Appalling Flatulence

[AdamIndy]

Just yesterday in fact, me and a friend, mark, went Xmas shopping in Cardiff. Before he picked me up I had been farting like a trooper, I thought I was over it when he arrived at my house. We head on down to Cardiff. About 20 mins prior to arrival I felt one brewing. Being in his car and being the nice guy I am I set about holding her in. Those 20 mins were hell, my guts twisting in knots and preparing myself for as soon as we get into the multi story car park I was for flinging the door open, jumping out and relieving my guts. You know when you just know it's going to be a beast? Yeah, this was going to be a real grade A weapon. I couldn't honestly admit to knowing whether it was going to just be a fart or whether I was going to be legging it to the nearest clothes shop for some new undies.

So, we pull into the multi-story car park, we park up and the coast was clear. I threw the door open, jumped out and PAAAAARP! It was way bigger than I imagined it would be, the reverb in the car park was impressive. Ah the relief. Mark was nearly crying with laughter, I didn't think it was that funny but hey ho. I turned around and it seems hadn't noticed a family getting out of a mondeo behind us.

The dad sniggered as if to say good job son, good job. The son(probably about 5) was laughing and the mother looked absolutely disgusted and actually shook her head at me. At this point I burst out laughing too. Probably didn't amuse the mother with the shaking head though. but, my undies were unaffected so I'd call that a win!

[ellroy]

sjabrown said:

Garlic does it for me these days.

Well he's got to earn money somehow since leaving PH I suppose.

[Tango13]

Has anyone managed a fart of such Biblical proportions as to elicit a response from the ships at Grimsby docks?

[kiethton]

Tango13 said:

Has anyone managed a fart of such Biblical proportions as to elicit a response from the ships at Grimsby docks?

Be hard to smell it above the smell of the cesspool that is Grimsby

[anonymous-user]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

A radiation laced flatulent episode - a first for PH

[SpamCan]

I have had to stop drinking real ales, especially really hoppy ones as the level of colonic gas eruptions is nothing short of vomit inducing and that’s only after a couple, it doesn’t even have to be following a skinful. I once heard the phrase “everyone likes their own brand” following a stupendous fart from my mates brother when we were kids. Unfortunately in this case, not so. It’s the most foul sulphurous odour that one can possibly imagine, they make my eyes water and others open windows. I washed myself twice in the shower one morning after the stench trapped under the bedclothes felt like it had permeated my skin like some sort of foul eggy gaseous tattoo. Oddly I can drink mass produced crap e.g. Budweiser – aka Buttgeyser until it comes out of my ears – no nasty flatulence other than the extra gas associated with drinking a gassy Beverage.

Couple it with red meat, streuth, the vile stink that comes from having a hoppy real ale alongside a nice steak is something to behold. I recon if Hans Blix caught a whiff he’d have the biological weapons inspectors round before you had chance to gag on it.

[Blown2CV]

when i was at uni i came into a lecture quite late as it was in a building i had never been to before and was a real pain for me to find. It was quite a large theatre, maybe 200 people in there. Also it was quite old and there were still long wooden bench rows to sit on. I sat down on the end of one, and as i did so i also let a massive fart rip, which then reverberated pretty hard through the wood and it became immediately obvious it was me who had done it. I absolutely crumbled but everyone else expressed a variety of emotions.

[Madmtnbiker]

The Proudest 16yr old son - ever.

It was 1988 and having emigrated to NZ in the early eighties it was time for our first family trip back to blighty to visit the rellies.

As a special treat we were stopping off in LA to do the theme parks and see where CHiPs actually came from (I swear I was humming the theme tune when we got on the freeway from LAX), anyway I digress...on the last day we were taken to the Buena Vista shopping mall, I say taken, my folks decided that it was only a couple of blocks away so we'd walk...well no-one walks in LA...we came to an empty parking lot the size of an entire block which we proceeded to cross. It took a good 15 mins to get to the other side where we were greeted with a never-ending, diagonally meshed, metal fence with a single strand of curled barbed wire running along the top - which was about 16ft high. Being 16 and my younger brother only 13, we scrambled up and over the top jumping to the ground, encouraging my father to go next so he could help Mum over. My father gets to the top and straddles the wire fence (diagonally meshed so good footholds were possible), being extremely careful not to catch himself on the single strand of curled barbed wire. Oh and at this precise moment there is quite an audience sitting in their large American cars on the 4 lane road next to the sidewalk waiting at the traffic lights...obviously enjoying this rather entertaining group of foreign mountaineers in full swing....

...next up it was mum's turn, now my mum was quite the tomboy growing up so never turns down a challenge, and having two young boys was always up for showing us how it should be done...she's not the slimmest of people either...

...she reaches the top and begins to swing her leg over - right next to where my dad is straddling the fence - when it all starts to wobble a bit and then the giggles kick-in from all of us, except my mum, who is now clinging on for dear life. We're also getting some verbal Californian encouragement from the folks still stuck in the traffic jam...

....my mum is having a right go at my dad about getting her down and 'stop laughing as it is isn't funny at all' - this just increased the levels of hilarity for my brother and I - if only we had a camera phone back then with video...my dad decides it would be easier to get down to reduce the wobbling and then talk my mum down - using his previously learnt counselling skills...not the best idea but a good effort!

Mum is now left at the top, straddling the fence and facing her next challenge, a patrol car had now appeared (queue me humming the CHiPs theme again) and the officers were walking towards us with a sense of total and utter disbelief on how this 16 stone middle aged woman had come to be stuck on a 16 ft high security fence. We're (my brother, me and my Dad) miserably failing at holding in our belly laughs, when there seemed to be a lull in the sound of traffic and we stopped as my mum shrieked that she was now sitting on the single strand of barbed wire and couldn't move for fear of tearing her jeans.

At this stage I should also point out that my Mum was going deaf (not quite at hearing aid use but definitely needed them) and couldn't fully appreciate all the wonderful local support and cheering she was getting, she also couldn't hear the police officer ask her what she was doing and did she know she was trespassing...me and my brother were still crying and couldn't speak any sense, my dad was trying to calm the police officers down with tears rolling down his cheeks, (but if you know US Police/customs/officialdom - they don't have a single ounce of humour in them).

And then the piece de resistance....my mum lifts her leg in one last attempt to free herself from the situation and as she successfully swings herself over the top, freeing her jeans from the barbed wire - she lets rip the loudest, most strained, fog horn-esque, fart you've ever heard - it literally stopped the police officers in their tracks, well, we were now beside ourselves - my dad was bent over double holding his stomach and it was then that I even noticed both police officers had the biggest grin on their faces with a touch of insane questioning in their eyes. (Are we really attending this situation - did I really hear that?)

It was the stuff that legends are made of, my mum definitely heard it (although I don't think she thought it was as loud as a 747 taking off). A holiday memory for the ages - that still gets recalled to this day - we did eventually make it to the shopping mall, the officers wished us a nice holiday and suggested we get a cab next time. If I can bring myself to type it up - I'll share the next incident which occurred approximately 4hours later...

[Riley Blue]

My O/H is from Aberdeen, where flatulence is celebrated...


Tae a fart

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie,
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a'body's gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
it's like a bullet oot a rifle

Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try tae stop the leakin' air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it disnae reek

But a' the efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets arrond the room
Michty me! a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks
A' hope a' huvnae st ma breeks
Tae the bog a' better scurry
Whit the hell, it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me choakin'
One or two are nearly boakin'
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

It wis him! I shout and glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare
I'm no that welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let yer wind gang free
That sounds jist the joab fir me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' one wee farty.

Edited by Riley Blue on Tuesday 20th December 12:37

[FiF]

For our family it's the Christmas season where farts become a problem, though for me dog walks any time of year allow a few bombs to be let off at intervals around the forest, no problem.

But back to Christmas, it's Boxing day, that's the worst, the culmination of sprouts, chestnut stuffing, roast onions, parsnips, Christmas pudding, with an afterburner provided by Christmas cake and cheese, it must be in the family DNA but they're real lingering nose hair frizzelers.

The worst year someone, in their infinite stupidity, had booked to see the Boxing Day panto matinee at Chesterfield Pomegranate theatre, it had those really springy drop down seats that knew from previous experience seemed to amplify the sound. We were behaving ourselves, honest, well more or less, though it involved gut wrangling tension and sphincter strangling pressure, just basically hanging on for the interval in desperation, when a bloke the row in front stood up to make his way out. Poor sod couldn't hold it any longer, as he made his way along the row he produced a series of little squeaks as he passed by. Dads and sons were helpless with laughter, women and girls just frowned and put on that mouth like a cat's arse expression. Poor chap was so embarrassed, but as the exit doors swung behind him there was the sound of an absolute snorter, like ripping calico sailcloth. Unfortunately for the cast that was probably the best laugh they got all afternoon.

In other news I had to go for a sigmoidoscopy, endoscope camera up the back door and a look around. In order to make room for manoeuvre they pump air in to expand the gut. Pumped a bit much into me, painful, felt like not had a dump in six months. Anyway at the end as they pulled the camera out came the longest, most blissful and luxurious fart ever.

[FlyingMeeces]

cptsideways said:

Dried Apricots

Whole bagfull's in one go, guaranteed to give me terminal flatulence for the next 24hours.

Learnt the hard way driving a bunch of mates in a van on a biking trip to Wales, we actually had to pull over on the A5 & stop as it what THAT bad. My driving was physically impaired by laughter & having to lean out of the window to breathe Still to this day was of funniest road trips ever.

My wife now monitors my consumption of such marriage wrecking delights, as I will happily munch through a bagful in one go. Full afterburners kick in within 30 mins.

We had a moment like that - family holiday in New Zealand about 15 years ago. We'd all heard that Rotorua was famously sulphurous and had been speculating about whether it really smelt as much like rotten egg farts as everyone said.

Driving along the main road in from the South.

And it suddenly hits us. Entire car suddenly filled with the most amazingly pungent eggy fart smell I'd ever encountered. My two younger sisters were near hysterical, I wasn't much better. Mum trying and failing to keep a straight face. Our dad pulled over, couldn't figure out why for a moment until I realised that he had his forehead down on the top of the steering wheel and was shaking with silent laughter.

I'm cracking up even typing it now.

[glenrobbo]

At an aircraft factory where I once worked, there was a much respected hierarchy of exponents of the fine art of trouser coughing. At the very top level was one "Toxic Tony", who could empty a whole aircraft fuselage of fitters and sparks in a few seconds, even though the fuselage was at that stage still waiting for doors and windows to be fitted.

There came along one young pretender to Toxic's throne who reckoned he had perfected the "flying scissor fart", a daring feat that up until then had only been a theoretical possibility.
The sequence was for the perpetrator to approach his victim at a canter, leap into the air with legs akimbo and deliver en passant a perfectly timed full-frontal face fart to the poor unsuspecting chap deeply involved in some technical process or other.
This special "FSF" as you can imagine, required such a high level of gymnastic ability, superb timing, and superlative sphincter control, that to even attempt it was considered extremely daring, even foolhardy.

As it happened, Toxic Tony had no need to fear loss of his status, because when the Young Pretender valiantly attempted to demonstrate his skill, what appeared to be a perfect delivery was marred by the immediate realisation that he hadn't quite mastered the third key element: he had suffered an embarrassing follow through, and retreated red-faced in shame to the bogs.

Good effort though, he got some quite big marks*

• In his scuds.

Edited by glenrobbo on Tuesday 20th December 14:00

[Ari]

I once set off a domestic smoke alarm. True story.

[matchmaker]

My kids nicknamed me Farty Trumpington.

[RammyMP]

Tango13 said:

Are animal farting stories allowed? If so...

A few years back my mums council terrier (Staff X) was lounging in front of the fire when the she (the dog, not my mum) farted.

Now normally a dog fart is a quiet pffft but for whatever dietary reasons this canine fart was more of a PAARRPP!

The dog was less than impressed with this unexpected vibrato from her chocolate starfish so turned, teeth bared to attack whatever it was that was assaulting her teatowel holder.

Unfortunately the turning and twisting compressed her intestines further which provoked a window rattling PAARRPP!

The dog jumped up and ran in terror from her own fart, returning shortly after for sympathy and cuddles but we were too busy laughing to assist the dog in regaining her composure.

That's brilliant! Our old dog used to fart and then look at its arse as if to say 'WTF was that?' Then get up and walk off.

Took the youngest horse riding at the week end, the nag she was on let a right ripper go, just had to have a chuckle!

[macp]

glenrobbo said:

At an aircraft factory where I once worked, there was a much respected hierarchy of exponents of the fine art of trouser coughing. At the very top level was one "Toxic Tony", who could empty a whole aircraft fuselage of fitters and sparks in a few seconds, even though the fuselage was at that stage still waiting for doors and windows to be fitted.

There came along one young pretender to Toxic's throne who reckoned he had perfected the "flying scissor fart", a daring feat that up until then had only been a theoretical possibility.
The sequence was for the perpetrator to approach his victim at a canter, leap into the air with legs akimbo and deliver en passant a perfectly timed full-frontal face fart to the poor unsuspecting chap deeply involved in some technical process or other.
This special "FSF" as you can imagine, required such a high level of gymnastic ability, superb timing, and superlative sphincter control, that to even attempt it was considered extremely daring, even foolhardy.

As it happened, Toxic Tony had no need to fear loss of his status, because when the Young Pretender valiantly attempted to demonstrate his skill, what appeared to be a perfect delivery was marred by the immediate realisation that he hadn't quite mastered the third key element: he had suffered an embarrassing follow through, and retreated red-faced in shame to the bogs.

Good effort though, he got some quite big marks*

• In his scuds.

Edited by glenrobbo on Tuesday 20th December 14:00

SWMBO trying to watch tv and I am literally shaking trying to keep it in with tears running down my face.Thankyou

[anonymous-user]

matchmaker said:

My kids nicknamed me Farty Trumpington.

That made me spill my coffee. Very good.

[drdino]

Page 5 has me literally crying

Especially the afterburners tag, the expert gymnastics and the trouser coughing... The girlfriend next to me is complaining that the entire bed is shaking and it's only fair I explain what I am reading that's so funny. Except I suspect if I do she will lose all faith in me.

[glenrobbo]

drdino said:

Page 5 has me literally crying

Especially the afterburners tag, the expert gymnastics and the trouser coughing... The girlfriend next to me is complaining that the entire bed is shaking and it's only fair I explain what I am reading that's so funny. Except I suspect if I do she will lose all faith in me.

To restore her faith, you need to administer the Dutch Oven surprise treatment:



Mods, I'm not sure that the Lounge is the proper place for this topic. Shouldn't it be in "General Gassing"?

Edited by glenrobbo on Wednesday 21st December 00:08

[fttm]

For full Dutch oven effect , before you get into bed roll up some toilet tissue and soak under the hot tap in the bathroom , as you let rip flick the tissue at partner/wifes leg .Word of caution , your childish sense of humour will be lost on them , be brave .