Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
A definition worth remembering
There's an annual contest at bond university, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's chosen term was Political correctness .
The winning student wrote.
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of s
t by the clean end."
There's an annual contest at bond university, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's chosen term was Political correctness .
The winning student wrote.
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of s
t by the clean end."
I know it's a repost, but appropriate today
Prince Charles is making a hospital visit, goes into a ward and asks the patients how they are.
The first one replies -
Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.
He walks away a bit puzzled to the next bed and the patient says
Some hae meat and cannae eat.
Some cannae eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.
The third says
Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!
He’s getting a bit puzzled and asks the doctor who’s showing him round if it’s the psychiatric ward?
"Oh no, it’s not the psychiatric ward, it’s the serious Burns unit"
Prince Charles is making a hospital visit, goes into a ward and asks the patients how they are.
The first one replies -
Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.
He walks away a bit puzzled to the next bed and the patient says
Some hae meat and cannae eat.
Some cannae eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.
The third says
Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!
He’s getting a bit puzzled and asks the doctor who’s showing him round if it’s the psychiatric ward?
"Oh no, it’s not the psychiatric ward, it’s the serious Burns unit"
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But he insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Captain to drop 'em,' which he did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captains penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Captain calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry!
Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?
Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Larry said, 'You know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry!
Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?
Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Larry said, 'You know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
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