Match.com (Volume 6)

[elanfan]

One thing that always surprises me on here and when you watch programmes like First Dates is that after an hour or so together each can decide there’s ‘no spark’. It’s a false situation and the real person doesn’t generally come out until each party ‘relaxes’ into being themselves. I think that given a little more time together that spark or attraction can develop. People are just too quick to make that final judgement!

[Toyoda]

elanfan said:

One thing that always surprises me on here and when you watch programmes like First Dates is that after an hour or so together each can decide there’s ‘no spark’. It’s a false situation and the real person doesn’t generally come out until each party ‘relaxes’ into being themselves. I think that given a little more time together that spark or attraction can develop. People are just too quick to make that final judgement!

Takes a lot less than an hour to decide if you feel any attraction.

[Lemming Train]

Toyoda said:

elanfan said:

One thing that always surprises me on here and when you watch programmes like First Dates is that after an hour or so together each can decide there’s ‘no spark’. It’s a false situation and the real person doesn’t generally come out until each party ‘relaxes’ into being themselves. I think that given a little more time together that spark or attraction can develop. People are just too quick to make that final judgement!

Takes a lot less than an hour to decide if you feel any attraction.

It takes literally 5 seconds to know if it's got legs or not. Some will argue that attraction runs deeper than just appearances - which is true to some extent - but there still needs to be that physical attraction and if it isn't there, it isn't there.

[hyphen]

technodup said:

I met number four for the week last night instead of today. She'd been for dinner and her friend was leaving so I basically replaced the pal at short notice. After three drinks I end up going back to hers with vodka and other 'supplies'. Which was a bit strange because we'd only spent an hour together up til then, and because her two teenagers were at home...

An interesting evening all round.

Strange indeed, poor kids, hope you two weren't too loud...

[Salmonofdoubt]

Robertj21a said:

I'm sure I won't be the first person to highlight that a vast number of relationships don't start with the internet ! - they start at work, or in pubs/clubs, or within any group of like-minded people. Your efforts may well be wasted if you stick to just the internet approach.

Depends what you do for a living and what kind of hobbies you have, work from home or in a male dominated work place means you’re limited (if you’re a heterosexual man that is). Plus with dating apps at least you know that people are there to be approached which removes some of the social awkwardness from the equation.

[Frank7]

Robertj21a said:

mjb1 said:

This dating lark is turning out to be a total emotional roller coaster, maybe it's just me and I'm not cut out for it at all. I've been single for nearly 4 years now. Never dated, but had a few friends with benefits type arrangements for a while, just nothing that was 'real'. Everything else in my life is pretty sorted and I'm happy with my lot, except for being single.

I've been on Tinder and Bumble for the last 8 months (also have a profile on POF, but never actually got as far as sending any messages). Only had a handful of matches on either in that time, and 2 dates, both coffee & a chat. First one felt a bit like a job interview, asking lots of questions (maybe I answered too honestly!). Guess she knew exactly what she wanted from a man and had some kind of check list. Bit of a unicorn hunter maybe. Afterwards, told me she didn't think either of us felt any spark, although we could try and be friends.

Second one was a couple of days ago. Rather attractive, lived up to her Tinder photo's, and possibly out of my league in reality. We'd been messaging for a week and she agreed to meet up without hesitation, so glad that I asked her when I did as it turned out that we'd both too busy for another opportunity for a couple of weeks. We met up and chatted for a couple of hours, seemed to get on pretty well and have a fair amount in common. Carried on messaging afterwards, but when I suggested meeting up again, got given the generic but polite 'don't think we're compatible, lets just be friends'. I told her that I already have plenty of friends, and my main interest is to meet someone for something more. I think I'm right in assuming that there's no point pursing any further - once I've been friend zoned it's got be be pretty final, and just a waste of time to even bother trying to reverse that?

Maybe it's just me, but I find it difficult to get to know someone that well in a chat over a coffee? With both of them I thought we got on well enough to be worth seeing again. Maybe women just have very high expectations from online dating, and due to getting so many offers, they can afford to make a decision very early on? Or maybe I just have very low standards on judging compatibility with someone. They obviously liked me enough to meet up in the first place, from my profile and messaging. So maybe I'm just hopeless face to face and putting them off somehow?

Whatever it is, the whole dating game is really messing with my head. Maybe it's because I'm having so little success - 2 dates in 8 months has to be pretty poor by anyone's standards? I keep getting my hopes up and being optimistic about it, then nothing happens for ages. No matches or anything, which then gets me down. Then when I do get a match that goes as far as meeting up, I don't have the confidence to make a good impression.

I've never really dated before, and I'm certainly finding it hard work and not enjoying it at all. As much as I'm trying to break out of my comfort zone, but it all just feels way too high pressure and a bit too forced. I've no interest in meeting lots of people, or playing the field - would much rather somehow just meet someone and click well enough as friends to take things further. I'm certainly no unicorn hunter myself, and have pretty low standards and expectations when it comes to women.

I almost feel like giving up on ever meeting anyone, just accept that I'll be single forever and I'm wasting my time trying. But that's how I've always been in the past and I had to force myself to change and make more effort to be positive and proactive. But all it seems to be doing is giving me a bit of false hope and leaving me feeling more down than not trying.

I'm sure I won't be the first person to highlight that a vast number of relationships don't start with the internet ! - they start at work, or in pubs/clubs, or within any group of like-minded people. Your efforts may well be wasted if you stick to just the internet approach.

I read your reply to mjb’s post with some interest, I feel the same way as you, and I’m quietly glad that I’m now considered to be part of the ‘older generation’.
When did meeting the opposite sex suddenly become computerised?
In my day, it was a walk in the park.
You found yourself, by accident, or more likely by design, in a place that had quite a few women, a party, a bar, a club, anywhere.
All you needed was a chunk of confidence, and a slice of chutzpah, and the world was your lobster, (as Del-Boy said).
You initially made eye contact, and if you deemed that the lady was approachable, you opened up with an innocuous remark, ensuring that you stayed outside her comfort zone.
Within seconds you could see whether your repartée was falling on stony ground, or that she was open to stepping up the conversation.
Then you took the ball, and ran with it, eventually casually suggesting a glass of wine together sometime, or even dinner if you thought that wasn’t pushing the issue.
If she was interested, she’d give you her number, just to see where the meeting went, it was as simple as that.
As far as I’m concerned, Plenty of Fish just describes the menu at Sheekey’s Restaurant, St. Martin’s Court, Covent Garden.

[matrignano]

Frank7 said:

Sheekey’s Restaurant, St. Martin’s Court, Covent Garden.

Can you be more specific please, I think I know the place you’re talking about but I’m not certain?

Next time please add

London, Greater London, England, United Kingdom, Europe, Planet Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, The Universe

[Taylor James]

Speaking as an older man who is not looking I do find all this stuff interesting, especially the idea that things have changed.

I wouldn't say that I was particularly unusual in that I go to places of work and I have few hobbies. I meet women in both environments and it doesn't take long to find people I get along with. Females also let you know over a period of time if they're happy or unhappy, in or out of a relationship and if they're looking or not looking. If I was single and interested, I'd just ask someone out. I wouldn't for a second contemplate internet dating.

Am I just old and out of touch or have millions of people lost the ability to make face to face small talk and ask for what they want? When I look at the internet dating process it reminds me a bit of ordering a takeaway.

A funny parallel occurred when out to the rugby with a friend. I suggested a pub afterwards and his response was to look up pubs via an app. I'd have walked till I found one and if took more than five minutes I'd have asked a passer by. If I'd chosen badly it would be put down to experience.

The issue in both cases seems to be 'instancy'. I get the advantage with ordering a takeaway or ordering sex, but as a basis for starting a relationship I think it's quite flawed. Earlier somewhere I read about average women being inundated with interest and how that might inflate their own self rating. Christ, I'm glad I'm not looking!

[BryanC]

Taylor James said:

Speaking as an older man who is not looking I do find all this stuff interesting, especially the idea that things have changed.
..............
Christ, I'm glad I'm not looking!

Same as me. Have an active social life so mix comfortably with ladies, usually in small groups but happy to go my own way without this internet m'larkey.

However, the old ways including lots of alcohol and bad judgement didn't serve me too badly.

[Greenmantle]

BryanC said:

Taylor James said:

Speaking as an older man who is not looking I do find all this stuff interesting, especially the idea that things have changed.
..............
Christ, I'm glad I'm not looking!

Same as me. Have an active social life so mix comfortably with ladies, usually in small groups but happy to go my own way without this internet m'larkey.

However, the old ways including lots of alcohol and bad judgement didn't serve me too badly.

I don’t know how old you two are but I’m in my early fifties and I prefer internet dating rather than the old way. The selection alone allows me to strike up a conversation with many more different types of the opposite sex. I don’t know about you but I don’t have a type so it is also a learning process for me as well and I am sometimes surprised how compatible some conversations have been when initially I would have a few reservations.

[slipstream 1985]

Hadn't messaged a lass for a while , she then messaged me appologising for not being in touch (I actually hadn't replied to her last one to be fair) she asked if I wanted to meet up so thought why not as her newest pic looked quite nice. Arange a time and date and after that I get another message "I'm a bit chubby is that ok"? WTF!

[kowalski655]

Result! More to grab hold of

[Flibble]

At least she's upfront about it!

[Fermit and Sexy Sarah]

Flibble said:

At least she's upfront about it!

Indeed. She's saying it how it is, probably to not waste her time should you take one look at her and decide no.

[Lemming Train]

slipstream 1985 said:

Hadn't messaged a lass for a while , she then messaged me appologising for not being in touch (I actually hadn't replied to her last one to be fair) she asked if I wanted to meet up so thought why not as her newest pic looked quite nice. Arange a time and date and after that I get another message "I'm a bit chubby is that ok"? WTF!

"Newest pic looked quite nice" - yeah, taken from that special angle that all the chubbers use to make them look slim in photographs! From any another angle it shows them to be the size 16 fatties that they are.

[Greenmantle]

Lemming Train said:

"Newest pic looked quite nice" - yeah, taken from that special angle that all the chubbers use to make them look slim in photographs! From any another angle it shows them to be the size 16 fatties that they are.

Is that the one taken high above the head at 1 o'clock looking down on said potential match? Or are there other ones I need to watch out for?

[Robertj21a]

slipstream 1985 said:

Hadn't messaged a lass for a while , she then messaged me appologising for not being in touch (I actually hadn't replied to her last one to be fair) she asked if I wanted to meet up so thought why not as her newest pic looked quite nice. Arange a time and date and after that I get another message "I'm a bit chubby is that ok"? WTF!

Sounds like a genuinely nice girl, for a change.

[Leonard Stanley]

Personally, I love it if they’re carrying a bit of excess.

[moanthebairns]

Flibble said:

At least she's upfront about it!

She's reeled him in with body photos taken from the hubble telescope spliced with head passport photos featuring that 'pout' which hides the double chin and the general roundness of her fat heed.

I'm a bit of a cynic so I'm guessing she's had negative feedback after dates due to her photos and probably describing herself as 'average/curvy'.

She breaks the bombshell now so there isn't that awkward moment when you meet free willy and question just what the fk 'average/curvy' is these days.

There is a crossover with women, most slim/average built/festively plump women think they're fat when they just aren't. They have an idea the average body size is much slimmer than it is.

As where curvy/BBW/obese women, Know they're fatter they just claim that the average body of a woman is much bigger assuming you'll fall for this and its not important as their friends describe them as bubbly and the 'funny one'.

[Lemming Train]

Greenmantle said:

Lemming Train said:

"Newest pic looked quite nice" - yeah, taken from that special angle that all the chubbers use to make them look slim in photographs! From any another angle it shows them to be the size 16 fatties that they are.

Is that the one taken high above the head at 1 o'clock looking down on said potential match? Or are there other ones I need to watch out for?

Pretty much, but moandthebairns above has summed it up well, especially the first line .