Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Doofus said:
I went into my corner shop and asked for a box of 500 mothballs.
"You bought a box of 500 mothballs yesterday." Said the shopkeeper.
"I know," I replied "and I haven't managed to hit a single moth yet."
"You bought a box of 500 mothballs yesterday." Said the shopkeeper.
"I know," I replied "and I haven't managed to hit a single moth yet."
That's the sort of joke my son would love, but it'd be ruined as I'd first have to explain what mothballs are...
Chap goes into the local livestock supplier
'I.ve just bought a chicken farm and want to increase the stock., Can i have 500 chicks?'
He takes them away and two days later he is back
'Can i have another 500 please?'
Supplier said Thats quick, sold them already?
'No' he said 'they all died'
The supllier said 'What happened?-
Chap replied. 'I think i planted them too close together'
'I.ve just bought a chicken farm and want to increase the stock., Can i have 500 chicks?'
He takes them away and two days later he is back
'Can i have another 500 please?'
Supplier said Thats quick, sold them already?
'No' he said 'they all died'
The supllier said 'What happened?-
Chap replied. 'I think i planted them too close together'
While strolling around the Marina this morning about 7 a.m., I noticed a character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels".
Suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying.
If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.
It is now 11 a.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted 4 stamps.
Suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying.
If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.
It is now 11 a.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted 4 stamps.
Interesting observation
The sport for the urban poor is Basketball.
The sport of choice for the maintenance level employees is Bowling.
The sport of choice for front line workers is Football.
The sport of choice for Supervisors is Baseball.
The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis, and the sport choice for corporate executives and officers is Golf.
The amazing facts are the higher you go in the corporation structure, the smaller your balls get.
There must be a lot of people in Washington playing marbles.
No I didn't check on the size of balls, and gave up trying to change it to end up with Hollyrood and Parliament.
The sport for the urban poor is Basketball.
The sport of choice for the maintenance level employees is Bowling.
The sport of choice for front line workers is Football.
The sport of choice for Supervisors is Baseball.
The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis, and the sport choice for corporate executives and officers is Golf.
The amazing facts are the higher you go in the corporation structure, the smaller your balls get.
There must be a lot of people in Washington playing marbles.
No I didn't check on the size of balls, and gave up trying to change it to end up with Hollyrood and Parliament.
Edited by Vipers on Saturday 30th September 21:43
Have another one guys.
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," says the little boy.
As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," says the little boy.
As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Vipers said:
Interesting observation
The sport for the urban poor is Basketball.
The sport of choice for the maintenance level employees is Bowling.
The sport of choice for front line workers is Football.
The sport of choice for Supervisors is Baseball.
The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis, and the sport choice for corporate executives and officers is Golf.
The amazing facts are the higher you go in the corporation structure, _the smaller your balls get smaller._
.
the smaller your balls get smaller - Is the joke that the original joke teller could not type in English ?The sport for the urban poor is Basketball.
The sport of choice for the maintenance level employees is Bowling.
The sport of choice for front line workers is Football.
The sport of choice for Supervisors is Baseball.
The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis, and the sport choice for corporate executives and officers is Golf.
The amazing facts are the higher you go in the corporation structure, _the smaller your balls get smaller._
.
Vipers, you should listen to your OH - they are different :
MEN AND WOMEN COMPARED NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Ted, Steve, Simon and Mark go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Ted, Steve, Simon and Mark will each throw in �10.00, even though it's only for �32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people memorizing the same thing.
MEN AND WOMEN COMPARED NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Ted, Steve, Simon and Mark go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Ted, Steve, Simon and Mark will each throw in �10.00, even though it's only for �32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people memorizing the same thing.
And there is the test to check your gender :
Please answer the follow 10 questions to assess your status as a man. Note the letter of each answer for evaluation at the end of the test.
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2 You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3.You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss Sky SportsCentre.
4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. £100 extra.
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Your Results:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
Please answer the follow 10 questions to assess your status as a man. Note the letter of each answer for evaluation at the end of the test.
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2 You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3.You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss Sky SportsCentre.
4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. £100 extra.
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Your Results:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
Usget said:
illmonkey said:
He's defenitaly not in a better place. RIP Hef.
Funeral is due just as soon as they can close the lid on the coffin. Undertakers say that normally being asked to deal with a stiff means something quite different.
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