Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
David Cameron was visiting a Northern Ireland primary school and the
class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'Tragedy'.
So, Britains illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
'Tragedy' .
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Cameron. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and
said: If a plane carrying you and Mr. Clegg and Mr. Milliband was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, ''it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f
king accident
either!!..
class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'Tragedy'.
So, Britains illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
'Tragedy' .
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Cameron. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and
said: If a plane carrying you and Mr. Clegg and Mr. Milliband was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, ''it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f
king accidenteither!!..
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter 'What are you doing?'' She asked. ''Hunting Flies''
He responded. ''Oh ! Killing any?'' She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. ''How can you tell them apart?'' He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone!!..
He responded. ''Oh ! Killing any?'' She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. ''How can you tell them apart?'' He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone!!..
We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.
Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
“Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?”
“No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”
Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
“Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?”
“No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why, yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday, he picked the lady up and took her to the finest Restaurant in that part of South Carolina . When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until After dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked: "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness, no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car And as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing To lose so he ventured forth with: "Ah, how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast U-turn right Then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in! The next Morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible Lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with Remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?" He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, Whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"
"Why, yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday, he picked the lady up and took her to the finest Restaurant in that part of South Carolina . When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until After dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked: "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness, no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car And as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing To lose so he ventured forth with: "Ah, how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast U-turn right Then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in! The next Morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible Lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with Remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?" He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, Whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"
A farmer who's been involved in a road accident ended up in Bodmin magistrates court fighting for a big compensation claim.
"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the solicitor for the insurance company.
"Yea, that's right me ansum," replied the farmer, nodding his head.
"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my bleddy life.' Is that the case?"
"Yeah, but…" stammered the farmer.
"A simple yes or no will suffice," the solicitor interrupted quickly.
"Yes me ansum," Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's solicitor to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his solicitor said.
"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This officer comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots ee dead. "Then ee goes over to my dog, looks at him and bleddy shoots him dead too. Then ee come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, meht, what the fk would you have said to him?"
"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the solicitor for the insurance company.
"Yea, that's right me ansum," replied the farmer, nodding his head.
"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my bleddy life.' Is that the case?"
"Yeah, but…" stammered the farmer.
"A simple yes or no will suffice," the solicitor interrupted quickly.
"Yes me ansum," Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's solicitor to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his solicitor said.
"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This officer comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots ee dead. "Then ee goes over to my dog, looks at him and bleddy shoots him dead too. Then ee come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, meht, what the f
k would you have said to him?"
Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate. He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!' people just cheered.
Two Nuns were cycling down a street. One Nun says to the other: I've never come this way before." The other Nun replies: " Oh, it must be the cobbles!!.
Two Nuns were cycling down a street. One Nun says to the other: I've never come this way before." The other Nun replies: " Oh, it must be the cobbles!!.
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.
When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours"
When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours"
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