Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman all wake up in the same bed together. The Englishman says 'I had the most amazing dream that I was being w
ked off by this gorgeous blonde'. The Scotsman says, 'I had an awesome dream too, that I was being wked off by this gorgeous brunette'. They both turned to the Irishman who had slept in-between them, and asked 'what did you dream of then?'. He said 'oh, nothing that interesting, I dreamt that I went cross country skiing...'
ked off by this gorgeous blonde'. The Scotsman says, 'I had an awesome dream too, that I was being wked off by this gorgeous brunette'. They both turned to the Irishman who had slept in-between them, and asked 'what did you dream of then?'. He said 'oh, nothing that interesting, I dreamt that I went cross country skiing...'
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely. The first lawyer announced, "Those are deer tracks. It's deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey."
The second lawyer responded,"Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we'll waste the day." Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
The second lawyer responded,"Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we'll waste the day." Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Have you tidied up?" I asked my wife earlier.
"Of course I'VE fking tidied up," she snapped. "Who else does? Certainly not you, eh? No, definitely not you because YOU do fk all around here. You don't do any of the cleaning, don't go near the cooker or look after the kids at all - Jesus, I can't even get you to walk the fking dog - so yes, yes I've fking tidied up."
"Well, in that case, have you seen a sheet of paper I'd left out?" I asked. "It's got some plans on it that I'd drawn up."
"Oh, riiiiight," she said, sarcastically. "Mr D I fking Y and his clever-arse ideas. No I haven't seen your stupid fking plans."
"Bloody hell," I groaned. "I was going to lay a patio in the garden."
"A fking patio?" she laughed. "Over my dead body."
"Oh, so you HAVE seen my plans!
"Of course I'VE f
king tidied up," she snapped. "Who else does? Certainly not you, eh? No, definitely not you because YOU do fk all around here. You don't do any of the cleaning, don't go near the cooker or look after the kids at all - Jesus, I can't even get you to walk the fking dog - so yes, yes I've fking tidied up.""Well, in that case, have you seen a sheet of paper I'd left out?" I asked. "It's got some plans on it that I'd drawn up."
"Oh, riiiiight," she said, sarcastically. "Mr D I f
king Y and his clever-arse ideas. No I haven't seen your stupid fking plans.""Bloody hell," I groaned. "I was going to lay a patio in the garden."
"A f
king patio?" she laughed. "Over my dead body.""Oh, so you HAVE seen my plans!
5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son. Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud. It looked at me and said "Thank you, for everything." I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek "You're whale cum".
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