Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry : "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry : "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong"
Robbo 27 said:
Man wants a parrot, goes to the pet shop, they say they only have one and its not up to much, but he can have it cheap.
He says, "I want a parrot not a budgie".
The buyer is not so clever.
"No" says the shopkeeper "I mean I would let you have it for not much money, on account of its legs"
"Whats up wi legs then?"
"He hasnt got any, Mother Nature has developed a special helping hand for the parrot, he has a prehensile willy."
"Eh? Come again."
"Well I would but I dont close while 6".
"The parrot wraps its willy round the perch and holds on".
"Ok" says the bloke, "but is it clever and can it talk?"
"Sir, you will find that it is your equal".
He paid his money. Took the bird home, sat it on its perch and said, "ok Polly, I am going out but when I get back I want you to tell me everything that goes on".
The bird says, "Will I get a cracker?"
"Aye, you can have your own at Christmas"
'kin 'ell, thought Polly.
When he came home, he said to Polly, "Whats been happening like?"
"Five minutes after you left there was a knock on the door"
"Go on"
"A man came in and started kissing your wife"
"Go on"
"He took her dress off and laid her down on the carpet just in front of me"
"Go on, what happened next?"
"Dunno, I fell off my perch".
Heard a variation of that joke back in 1968, involving a pub landlord and fifteen "E" type jags.....He says, "I want a parrot not a budgie".
The buyer is not so clever.
"No" says the shopkeeper "I mean I would let you have it for not much money, on account of its legs"
"Whats up wi legs then?"
"He hasnt got any, Mother Nature has developed a special helping hand for the parrot, he has a prehensile willy."
"Eh? Come again."
"Well I would but I dont close while 6".
"The parrot wraps its willy round the perch and holds on".
"Ok" says the bloke, "but is it clever and can it talk?"
"Sir, you will find that it is your equal".
He paid his money. Took the bird home, sat it on its perch and said, "ok Polly, I am going out but when I get back I want you to tell me everything that goes on".
The bird says, "Will I get a cracker?"
"Aye, you can have your own at Christmas"
'kin 'ell, thought Polly.
When he came home, he said to Polly, "Whats been happening like?"
"Five minutes after you left there was a knock on the door"
"Go on"
"A man came in and started kissing your wife"
"Go on"
"He took her dress off and laid her down on the carpet just in front of me"
"Go on, what happened next?"
"Dunno, I fell off my perch".
Wacky Racer said:
Heard a variation of that joke back in 1968, involving a pub landlord and fifteen "E" type jags.....
Man wants a pub landlord, goes to the pub landlord shop, they say they only have 15 E-types, and they're not up to much, but he can have one with a 4.2 straight six.He says, "I want a pub landlord not an E-type Jag".
The buyer is not so clever.
"No" says the shopkeeper "I mean I would let you have it for not much money, on account of its wheels"
"Whats up wi wheels then?"
"It hasnt got any, William Lyons has developed a special helping hand for the E-type, it has a prehensile exhaust pipe."
Yeah.... I can't see this one working.
Doofus said:
Wacky Racer said:
Heard a variation of that joke back in 1968, involving a pub landlord and fifteen "E" type jags.....
Man wants a pub landlord, goes to the pub landlord shop, they say they only have 15 E-types, and they're not up to much, but he can have one with a 4.2 straight six.He says, "I want a pub landlord not an E-type Jag".
The buyer is not so clever.
"No" says the shopkeeper "I mean I would let you have it for not much money, on account of its wheels"
"Whats up wi wheels then?"
"It hasnt got any, William Lyons has developed a special helping hand for the E-type, it has a prehensile exhaust pipe."
Yeah.... I can't see this one working.
With only 2 days until December, I figured I'd get ahead of myself and popped up into the loft to retrieve the Xmas tree and decorations, ready for the weekend.
Imagine my surprise when underneath it all I found a neatly wrapped box complete with gift tag attached - we'd obviously forgotten to hand it out last year.
Shame really, the kids would have loved a puppy.
Imagine my surprise when underneath it all I found a neatly wrapped box complete with gift tag attached - we'd obviously forgotten to hand it out last year.
Shame really, the kids would have loved a puppy.
The Ferret said:
With only 2 days until December, I figured I'd get ahead of myself and popped up into the loft to retrieve the Xmas tree and decorations, ready for the weekend.
Imagine my surprise when underneath it all I found a neatly wrapped box complete with gift tag attached - we'd obviously forgotten to hand it out last year.
Shame really, the kids would have loved a puppy.
That joke is more regular than Xmas!Imagine my surprise when underneath it all I found a neatly wrapped box complete with gift tag attached - we'd obviously forgotten to hand it out last year.
Shame really, the kids would have loved a puppy.
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