Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Author
Discussion

MartG

21,166 posts

210 months

Saturday 25th November 2023
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GeneralBanter

952 posts

21 months

Saturday 25th November 2023
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MartG said:
American, but excellent.

Alpacaman

952 posts

247 months

Saturday 25th November 2023
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I was so drunk last night. When I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and my underwear. I crept up stairs very very quietly. It was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the bus.

Vipers

33,091 posts

234 months

Saturday 25th November 2023
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My Geordie girlfriend was in the swimming pool and smiled at the handsome lifeguard as he walked by.

He said “Are you flirting?”

She replied “No, my feet are on the bottom”.

Caruso

7,461 posts

262 months

Saturday 25th November 2023
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Vipers said:
My Geordie girlfriend was in the swimming pool and smiled at the handsome lifeguard as he walked by.

He said “Are you flirting?”

She replied “No, my feet are on the bottom”.
My Geordie girlfriend went into a hair salon in Sunderland and asked for a perm.

"I wandered lernly as a clood" said the receptionist.

littleredrooster

5,689 posts

202 months

Saturday 25th November 2023
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Caruso said:
y Geordie girlfriend went into a hair salon in Sunderland and asked for a perm.

"I wandered lernly as a clood" said the receptionist.
Geordies live in/around Newcassel. Mackems live in/around Sunderland. They sound nowt like each other. Ne'er the twain shall meet...

Caruso

7,461 posts

262 months

Saturday 25th November 2023
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littleredrooster said:
Caruso said:
y Geordie girlfriend went into a hair salon in Sunderland and asked for a perm.

"I wandered lernly as a clood" said the receptionist.
Geordies live in/around Newcassel. Mackems live in/around Sunderland. They sound nowt like each other. Ne'er the twain shall meet...
Isn't Sunderland in/around Newcastle then? wink

motco

16,201 posts

252 months

Saturday 25th November 2023
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Caruso said:
littleredrooster said:
Caruso said:
y Geordie girlfriend went into a hair salon in Sunderland and asked for a perm.

"I wandered lernly as a clood" said the receptionist.
Geordies live in/around Newcassel. Mackems live in/around Sunderland. They sound nowt like each other. Ne'er the twain shall meet...
Isn't Sunderland in/around Newcastle then? wink
I was told by a native Pitmatic speaker that Geordies are born within the sound of Swan Hunter's buzzer. Or that's what I think he said...

Vipers

33,091 posts

234 months

Saturday 25th November 2023
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Geordie at the Queens garden party.

Queen says to Geordie, “Would like a cake or meringue ?”

Geordie says “You’re reet, I’ll have a cake”

rayny

1,375 posts

207 months

Saturday 25th November 2023
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Vipers said:
Geordie at the Queens garden party.

Queen says to Geordie, “Would like a cake or meringue ?”

Geordie says “You’re reet, I’ll have a cake”
Garden parties in the hereafter - I smiled at the idea wink


littleredrooster

5,689 posts

202 months

Saturday 25th November 2023
quotequote all
Caruso said:
littleredrooster said:
Caruso said:
y Geordie girlfriend went into a hair salon in Sunderland and asked for a perm.

"I wandered lernly as a clood" said the receptionist.
Geordies live in/around Newcassel. Mackems live in/around Sunderland. They sound nowt like each other. Ne'er the twain shall meet...
Isn't Sunderland in/around Newcastle then? wink
Neewhere neer. A Geordie would be horrified if ya said he wuz near Sunnerland. Sworn enemies. It’s like sayin’ a Mancunian is a Scouser.

MarkwG

5,081 posts

195 months

Sunday 26th November 2023
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littleredrooster said:
Caruso said:
littleredrooster said:
Caruso said:
y Geordie girlfriend went into a hair salon in Sunderland and asked for a perm.

"I wandered lernly as a clood" said the receptionist.
Geordies live in/around Newcassel. Mackems live in/around Sunderland. They sound nowt like each other. Ne'er the twain shall meet...
Isn't Sunderland in/around Newcastle then? wink
Neewhere neer. A Geordie would be horrified if ya said he wuz near Sunnerland. Sworn enemies. It’s like sayin’ a Mancunian is a Scouser.
Tribalism at it's worst: it's just over 10 miles between the two, yet sworn enemies "because so far apart"... bangheadrolleyes - Liverpool to Manchester is three times that (still stupid tribalism, though).

Master Of Puppets

3,431 posts

68 months

Sunday 26th November 2023
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MarkwG said:
Tribalism at it's worst: it's just over 10 miles between the two, yet sworn enemies "because so far apart"... bangheadrolleyes - Liverpool to Manchester is three times that (still stupid tribalism, though).
Very similar neanderthal tribalism the SNP and their supporters thrive on.

EmailAddress

13,405 posts

224 months

Sunday 26th November 2023
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Geordies and Sunderpeople all sound the same to me.

I'm proper posh though. Mate.

MartG

21,166 posts

210 months

Sunday 26th November 2023
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motco

16,201 posts

252 months

Sunday 26th November 2023
quotequote all
MarkwG said:
Tribalism at it's worst: it's just over 10 miles between the two, yet sworn enemies "because so far apart"... bangheadrolleyes - Liverpool to Manchester is three times that (still stupid tribalism, though).
Isn't that what football is for?

Laurel Green

30,835 posts

238 months

Sunday 26th November 2023
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vaud

52,033 posts

161 months

Monday 27th November 2023
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Q: How many men does it take to tile the average bathroom?

A: Two - if you slice them very thinly.

vaud

52,033 posts

161 months

Monday 27th November 2023
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Mick Jagger and Keith Richard were cruising down the coast.

Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent bald eagle in the middle of the road. When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car & they plummeted off a cliff to their deaths.

A tragic case of killing two stones with one bird.

vaud

52,033 posts

161 months

Monday 27th November 2023
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There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair and on his deathbed he was completely bald.

That day, he called his children to his room and said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair. What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's calling to keep this forest strong."

And so they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.