Help with elderly relatives - Parkinson's + Dementia issues?
Discussion
I got back from a long haul business trip on Sunday and my wife's been in the UK since Monday, mostly sorting out her Dad's Will, but also to support her Mum.
At the beginning of the week her Mum was understanding of the situation, and obviously upset about it. Yesterday my wife visited her Mum, and she asked my wife, "Where's your Dad?", twice in under 15 minutes. She still wants to go home to "get back to her routine", which can't happen.
Funeral's tomorrow.
MIL's house is going on the market immediately after Christmas.
At the beginning of the week her Mum was understanding of the situation, and obviously upset about it. Yesterday my wife visited her Mum, and she asked my wife, "Where's your Dad?", twice in under 15 minutes. She still wants to go home to "get back to her routine", which can't happen.
Funeral's tomorrow.
MIL's house is going on the market immediately after Christmas.
That was a tough day, and I hope we don't have any more like it, ever,
MIL held composure throughout, and dealt with the event itself remarkably well, as did my wife. Funeral directors were brilliant, as was the lady who performed the ceremony.
BIL had little to say, but he thanked my wife and me for all we've done. He didn't hang around.
Afternoon tea was hosted at a cliff top hotel in town, and was ideal for the 18 (only ) or so of us there.
My wife took her Mum back to the care home, and then her Mum had forgotten all about the cremation ceremony.
Late last night my wife succumbed to her private grieving for her Dad, which was difficult, but not unexpected. She's had so much to deal with this year.
In short, Alzheimer's sucks.
My wife's brilliant.
MIL held composure throughout, and dealt with the event itself remarkably well, as did my wife. Funeral directors were brilliant, as was the lady who performed the ceremony.
BIL had little to say, but he thanked my wife and me for all we've done. He didn't hang around.
Afternoon tea was hosted at a cliff top hotel in town, and was ideal for the 18 (only
) or so of us there.My wife took her Mum back to the care home, and then her Mum had forgotten all about the cremation ceremony.
Late last night my wife succumbed to her private grieving for her Dad, which was difficult, but not unexpected. She's had so much to deal with this year.
In short, Alzheimer's sucks.
My wife's brilliant.
I was back in the UK for a few days over the weekend.
Friday, I went to see my MIL at the home. She's very miffed at being kept 'locked up', and wants to go home. Explained the usual, then she responded with, "John will want to hear this. He's around somewhere..."
Oh
I had to explain to her 3 times in 3 hours on Friday, twice in 40 minutes on Saturday.
She packs every day, thinking she's tidying up. The carers then unpack her stuff each day.
The few Christmas cards written were signed from them both.
My wife's dealing with her father's Will. As the house is in the MIL's name, only cash/pensions to resolve, which are being worked through.
House is going on the market on 2nd Jan. Agent has viewings arranged already, an open day planned, and all the particulars drawn up.
We hope it will sell quickly - as it seems to in Romsey.
We will be back sometime in the New Year to empty the house, put some stuff in a self-storage place around Bournemouth, and a lot, mostly furniture, will go to charities.
Friday, I went to see my MIL at the home. She's very miffed at being kept 'locked up', and wants to go home. Explained the usual, then she responded with, "John will want to hear this. He's around somewhere..."
Oh
I had to explain to her 3 times in 3 hours on Friday, twice in 40 minutes on Saturday.
She packs every day, thinking she's tidying up. The carers then unpack her stuff each day.
The few Christmas cards written were signed from them both.
My wife's dealing with her father's Will. As the house is in the MIL's name, only cash/pensions to resolve, which are being worked through.
House is going on the market on 2nd Jan. Agent has viewings arranged already, an open day planned, and all the particulars drawn up.
We hope it will sell quickly - as it seems to in Romsey.
We will be back sometime in the New Year to empty the house, put some stuff in a self-storage place around Bournemouth, and a lot, mostly furniture, will go to charities.
Thank you all again for your comments and advice. It really is genuinely appreciated.
Aeropilot: I'm sorry for your loss.
With everything that's happened this year, it's all just been so quick. My wife and I agree that her Mum's decline has been very quick in the last 6 months or so, and we now wonder how long she has left.
Toomany: I just clicked and bought the book you recommended. Thank you.
Aeropilot: I'm sorry for your loss.
With everything that's happened this year, it's all just been so quick. My wife and I agree that her Mum's decline has been very quick in the last 6 months or so, and we now wonder how long she has left.
Toomany: I just clicked and bought the book you recommended. Thank you.
Gracias, Mexican... You too.
Book recommended by TooMany arrived yesterday. Since there are f
k all presents under the tree with my name on 
I'll have something to read at least (joking but not joking about the presents.... Teens did their usual, "didn't think about that...or for Mum" )
Book recommended by TooMany arrived yesterday. Since there are f
k all presents under the tree with my name on I'll have something to read at least (joking but not joking about the presents.... Teens did their usual, "didn't think about that...or for Mum" )FIL's "estate" went to probate, and we've given the solicitor that to deal with.
Since FIL only had cash and pensions, it's pretty academic this will all be handed over to MIL soon. Did have the case of a couple of single life annuitiies that were paid after the date of his death, so those had to be returned, otherwise we're simply waiting on others to do their bit now to finalise the £.
My wife found Christmas tough, knowing her Mum didn't want to be where she was, but also that her Dad wasn't there with her Mum. MIL's sister and her husband visited the carehome on Christmas Day to see MIL and joined everyone else for lunch. Seen pics. Looked lovely!
In other news: inlaws' house went on the market today with an open day on Saturday. There are already loads of interested parties ahead of the listing.
Hope to offload that quickly and without too much hassle.
*fingers crossed*
Since FIL only had cash and pensions, it's pretty academic this will all be handed over to MIL soon. Did have the case of a couple of single life annuitiies that were paid after the date of his death, so those had to be returned, otherwise we're simply waiting on others to do their bit now to finalise the £.
My wife found Christmas tough, knowing her Mum didn't want to be where she was, but also that her Dad wasn't there with her Mum. MIL's sister and her husband visited the carehome on Christmas Day to see MIL and joined everyone else for lunch. Seen pics. Looked lovely!
In other news: inlaws' house went on the market today with an open day on Saturday. There are already loads of interested parties ahead of the listing.
Hope to offload that quickly and without too much hassle.
*fingers crossed*My FIL was like that, hence when one nursing home came to assess him when he was in the care home, they said he was "too difficult". It was frustration at the indignity of Parkinson's, and what comes with it.
I'm sorry, Toomany
We now see my MIL getting more invoved in activities at the home, from their FB page, and they've also bought a piano, so that may save us having to lug hers to Bormuff as she's been filmed playing the one at the home.
Romsey house viewings: all 7 showed up on Saturday. Agent sent an email saying "I expect a few offers will be made on Monday", ... let's see.
My wife will go back to the UK in a couple of weeks, before all my business travel kicks off again.
I'm sorry, Toomany
We now see my MIL getting more invoved in activities at the home, from their FB page, and they've also bought a piano, so that may save us having to lug hers to Bormuff as she's been filmed playing the one at the home.
Romsey house viewings: all 7 showed up on Saturday. Agent sent an email saying "I expect a few offers will be made on Monday", ... let's see.
My wife will go back to the UK in a couple of weeks, before all my business travel kicks off again.
No house offers yet. 3 couples still interested, my wife's told.
Anywhoooo, wife and aunt spent ages on the phone to each other yesterday recounting conversations they'd had with MIL. They're still spending too much time justifying things to someone who really doesn't understand the world around her 100% now. Care home still haven't received the Deprevation of Liberty, whilst MIL tells them she wants to go home - threatening to order a taxi. They need to get a shift on or we'll all be screwed!
Anyway, I've been asked to butt out as it's not my Mum. So there.
Anywhoooo, wife and aunt spent ages on the phone to each other yesterday recounting conversations they'd had with MIL. They're still spending too much time justifying things to someone who really doesn't understand the world around her 100% now. Care home still haven't received the Deprevation of Liberty, whilst MIL tells them she wants to go home - threatening to order a taxi. They need to get a shift on or we'll all be screwed!
Anyway, I've been asked to butt out as it's not my Mum. So there.
aeropilot said:
TooMany2cvs said:
aeropilot said:
TooMany2cvs said:
aeropilot said:
RC1807 said:
Care home still haven't received the Deprevation of Liberty, whilst MIL tells them she wants to go home - threatening to order a taxi. They need to get a shift on or we'll all be screwed!
That's not good, I seem to recall, the care home my Mum went into had that in place within a month of her going in!Wisbech: I'm very sorry. That's a shock departure, but I can agree that this may be easier, rather than seeing the decline.
Rushjob: best of luck, matey. It's tricky when such a distance is involved, but suspect yours may be tricker given potential language barriers in Spain?
Aston: My FIL had times like that. He talked to us about sorting out multiple properties and/or caravans he'd never owned, but was convinced he did! *If only* he had.... another £few hundred K might have been useful.
Edited by RC1807 on Monday 15th January 12:58
Offer of £20k under listed price received and accepted.
Listed price was about £60k more than we thought possible, so ~£40k up, assuming completion
Wife feels bad as it cuts her Mum off, but understands the PoA, action needed, unable to live alone, etc.
Prospective buyers accepted an offer on their house from a family who are renting and have a mortgage agreed, so, FINGERS AND TOES CROSSED!
Listed price was about £60k more than we thought possible, so ~£40k up, assuming completion
Wife feels bad as it cuts her Mum off, but understands the PoA, action needed, unable to live alone, etc.
Prospective buyers accepted an offer on their house from a family who are renting and have a mortgage agreed, so, FINGERS AND TOES CROSSED!
Drugs work differently for everyone, with any condition / illness.
My MIL's on something that's meant to make her feel less agitated. It's clearly not working!
Convinced though she is that her prior usual routine would help her, MIL forgets every day that her husband died in November.
My wife, feeling guilty that her Mum's miserable in the (superb care) home, started looking at F/T live in carers and smaller houses for her Mum to move to - back in fking Romsey!! I had to put my foot down that I'm not driving back to Romsey every few weeks to fix something, install something, or interview new carers because her Mum's pissed them off! I couldn't believe we took such a backward step.
Financially, to save for daughters going to Uni, I really need my wife to go back to work full time - after 17 years at home - not to be fking off to the UK every few weeks to sort stuff for her Mum in a house or apartment her Mum couldn't deal with.
(Unless my wife wants to be the live in carer on £30k/p.a.?
)
FINALLY talked back to sense: sell the house, (some) stuff in storage - as little as possible - and a house clearer for the rest.
Money in the bank. JOB JOBBED!
My MIL's on something that's meant to make her feel less agitated. It's clearly not working!
Convinced though she is that her prior usual routine would help her, MIL forgets every day that her husband died in November.
My wife, feeling guilty that her Mum's miserable in the (superb care) home, started looking at F/T live in carers and smaller houses for her Mum to move to - back in f
king Romsey!! I had to put my foot down that I'm not driving back to Romsey every few weeks to fix something, install something, or interview new carers because her Mum's pissed them off! I couldn't believe we took such a backward step. Financially, to save for daughters going to Uni, I really need my wife to go back to work full time - after 17 years at home - not to be f
king off to the UK every few weeks to sort stuff for her Mum in a house or apartment her Mum couldn't deal with. (Unless my wife wants to be the live in carer on £30k/p.a.?
)FINALLY talked back to sense: sell the house, (some) stuff in storage - as little as possible - and a house clearer for the rest.
Money in the bank. JOB JOBBED!
I hear you, aeropilot
Yes, 2 carers needed. Suddenly, £1,000/week for a wonderful care home and limited stress (for us) doesn't seem quite so costly.
MIL still wants to head back to Romsey, but since FIL's gone now, there's NO reason for her to be there, hence why we moved her to that new home in Bormuff.
It's not as if my outlaws were in any way "social butterflies". When they retired, aside from a few holidays, they shut themselves away in their house and kept to themselves, only with "Hello" to their immediate neighbours. That's very unlike my Mum & stepdad who are always travelling, out and about with different activities and groups, big dinner parties every month, etc.
Yes, 2 carers needed. Suddenly, £1,000/week for a wonderful care home and limited stress (for us) doesn't seem quite so costly.
MIL still wants to head back to Romsey, but since FIL's gone now, there's NO reason for her to be there, hence why we moved her to that new home in Bormuff.
It's not as if my outlaws were in any way "social butterflies". When they retired, aside from a few holidays, they shut themselves away in their house and kept to themselves, only with "Hello" to their immediate neighbours. That's very unlike my Mum & stepdad who are always travelling, out and about with different activities and groups, big dinner parties every month, etc.
Rizzo: live in carers have their uses, certainly, but you also have to be comfortable that your mum's getting the right help / all the help she needs. Of course, you'll need 1 carers as they split the 24h. Good luck. Interested to know how that works out, please.
DoL now in place for MIL. She remains miserable at the care home, not helped that her sister keeps trying to justify everything when she calls, and that sets the MIL off again.
The carers are having to use deflection now as she regularly forgets where John is, so it's now played down.
FIL's Will still being worked on. Some of his annuity providers (right term?) requested proof of Probate, so have stopped payments until that's provided. Fortunately there's enough £ in the bank to payu the care home in the meantime.
Does anyone have any insight into carehome fee annuities?
Good, bad?
Trusted/used providers?
(Mrs RC seems set on sorting something out for her Mum; I'm not sure it will be needed given the pension income passed on from FIL and the potential (slow) drain on resources already in the bank and what my MIL will have when her house is sold, but I'm not to be involved )
DoL now in place for MIL. She remains miserable at the care home, not helped that her sister keeps trying to justify everything when she calls, and that sets the MIL off again.
The carers are having to use deflection now as she regularly forgets where John is, so it's now played down.
FIL's Will still being worked on. Some of his annuity providers (right term?) requested proof of Probate, so have stopped payments until that's provided. Fortunately there's enough £ in the bank to payu the care home in the meantime.
Does anyone have any insight into carehome fee annuities?
Good, bad?
Trusted/used providers?
(Mrs RC seems set on sorting something out for her Mum; I'm not sure it will be needed given the pension income passed on from FIL and the potential (slow) drain on resources already in the bank and what my MIL will have when her house is sold, but I'm not to be involved
)TooMany2cvs said:
If you're not to be involved, it may well be best to take heed...
I'm with you on the scepticism. Anything like this is, of course, a gamble on the part of the provider. They take an educated guess as to how long your MiL is going to last, figure what that'll cost, add a chunk on, and that's what you pay. You are gambling that she lasts substantially longer than they think...
Think of it as a second-hand Gran warranty.
Thanks. I'm not alone! I'm with you on the scepticism. Anything like this is, of course, a gamble on the part of the provider. They take an educated guess as to how long your MiL is going to last, figure what that'll cost, add a chunk on, and that's what you pay. You are gambling that she lasts substantially longer than they think...
Think of it as a second-hand Gran warranty.
I think putting, say, £250k into an annuity that might pay 3% p.a. = £7.5k income is rather pointless if the £250k would be gone in the event of her death. That might be in 10 years. It might be in 10 months. You simply can't tell.
Even after 10 years, £250k paid out has only generated £75k income, so you're effectively down £175k!
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