Discussion
othername said:
So the years of holding it back have finally caught up. An abused kid from a broken home, my teens were a chaotic mess of depression, counseling, and rejection. Somehow fought through it and built something a life, and lucked into a career taking me to London. Still chaos in my head, but there was hope. Then there was money, drugs, alcohol, women, prozac, effexor, yet somehow I put a reasonable career together; the power of youth. Still desperately lonely and unloved. Still with hugely painful depressive episodes, multiple counselors.
I married a woman I thought would be good for me, but wasn't in love with. But the depression improved, even if my use of alcohol didn't. We did 8 years before drifting and I met someone else - THE ONE - around the time I changed career. I got back in touch with my father, then in turn my brother.
A new beginning? Beautiful new woman who gave me love like I'd never known. I dream job which started to work. Fitness and sports regimes which kept me sane and healthy. And yet still I had episodes, and couldn't switch off the alcohol trigger. It followed me like a dark shadow, even when things seemed amazing there would be a tap on the shoulder to remind me the dark days could come at any moment.
And now here I am, just turned 42, feeling the lowest I have since those teenage years - which had the hope & energy of youth to fall back on. Father died in January, she left me months later. I should have married her, big love, child, the dream. Instead I'm alone, unloved, unwanted, feeling the potential I have, but can never realize because the internal voice will always push me down, now louder than ever and me too tired to shout it down. It'll never leave me alone, I'll never feel that happiness again, this is it. I've peaked. I don't want this pain any more.
I'm not drinking now, I exercise, work is fairly good; I have some friends who say nice things. But really, they have their own lives. There's not much else to do. Tough it out, hope it goes on it's own? The longer I'm apart from her, the more it hurts. I've been good before, but it'll always come back, stronger, revitalized by it's break from the conscious parts of my brain. People tell me to remember - to know - it's a passing phase, things will get better. But how do we know that? The cycle continues, the beast cannot be predicted or controlled. People happily - quite rightfully - quote the phrase "cancer is a c***". I agree, but I'll say that so is this cancer of the conscious mind.
A deep post and one I can relate to. Top lurking as well 99 months and your first post!I married a woman I thought would be good for me, but wasn't in love with. But the depression improved, even if my use of alcohol didn't. We did 8 years before drifting and I met someone else - THE ONE - around the time I changed career. I got back in touch with my father, then in turn my brother.
A new beginning? Beautiful new woman who gave me love like I'd never known. I dream job which started to work. Fitness and sports regimes which kept me sane and healthy. And yet still I had episodes, and couldn't switch off the alcohol trigger. It followed me like a dark shadow, even when things seemed amazing there would be a tap on the shoulder to remind me the dark days could come at any moment.
And now here I am, just turned 42, feeling the lowest I have since those teenage years - which had the hope & energy of youth to fall back on. Father died in January, she left me months later. I should have married her, big love, child, the dream. Instead I'm alone, unloved, unwanted, feeling the potential I have, but can never realize because the internal voice will always push me down, now louder than ever and me too tired to shout it down. It'll never leave me alone, I'll never feel that happiness again, this is it. I've peaked. I don't want this pain any more.
I'm not drinking now, I exercise, work is fairly good; I have some friends who say nice things. But really, they have their own lives. There's not much else to do. Tough it out, hope it goes on it's own? The longer I'm apart from her, the more it hurts. I've been good before, but it'll always come back, stronger, revitalized by it's break from the conscious parts of my brain. People tell me to remember - to know - it's a passing phase, things will get better. But how do we know that? The cycle continues, the beast cannot be predicted or controlled. People happily - quite rightfully - quote the phrase "cancer is a c***". I agree, but I'll say that so is this cancer of the conscious mind.
bobski1 said:
In need of some advice from people if possible.
Have a very close friend who has gone through a lot of family problems. Currently he is in a rut & at times in a very dark place. I am trying to be around him more and make him not feel so alone but I am worried about his mental state.
One of his cousins was able to line up a temp Christmas job for him & when first mentioned to him he was very keen & up for it however when it came time to doing the application he didn't go for it.
Want to get him out of his rut & get him feeling normal again & not so alone. I know it will take a long time but I want to know how best to get him want him to help himself. I know at times he knows his state but that comes and goes like his moods.
Any help would be appreciated.
Is he aware he might need medical help? If so GP would be first port of call.Have a very close friend who has gone through a lot of family problems. Currently he is in a rut & at times in a very dark place. I am trying to be around him more and make him not feel so alone but I am worried about his mental state.
One of his cousins was able to line up a temp Christmas job for him & when first mentioned to him he was very keen & up for it however when it came time to doing the application he didn't go for it.
Want to get him out of his rut & get him feeling normal again & not so alone. I know it will take a long time but I want to know how best to get him want him to help himself. I know at times he knows his state but that comes and goes like his moods.
Any help would be appreciated.
V40Vinnie said:
First day back at work today since I started treatment, I feel like ive gone backwards. I know its teenager-y to say this but it was quiet at work so i spent the entire day inside my own head beating my self up and generally hating myself. I'm struggling here guys
I struggle going to work every single day. I'm about to start a 12 hour night shift and I'm dreading it. I'm very low currently with a new level of apathy about everything. Literally get no enjoyment out of anything.V40Vinnie said:
Ruskie said:
I struggle going to work every single day. I'm about to start a 12 hour night shift and I'm dreading it. I'm very low currently with a new level of apathy about everything. Literally get no enjoyment out of anything.
Ruskie ! 
you've been missed!WinstonWolf said:
Ruskie said:
V40Vinnie said:
First day back at work today since I started treatment, I feel like ive gone backwards. I know its teenager-y to say this but it was quiet at work so i spent the entire day inside my own head beating my self up and generally hating myself. I'm struggling here guys
I struggle going to work every single day. I'm about to start a 12 hour night shift and I'm dreading it. I'm very low currently with a new level of apathy about everything. Literally get no enjoyment out of anything.twing said:
Ruskie said:
Oh man, I tweeted you a second ago hoping you were ok, your updates help but are painfully hard to read, please be safe mate, I, for one, will feel guilty AF if I haven't done anything but could have
Cie said:
I've spent the best part of two hours reading back through some of this thread tonight. I've lurked on here for a while but I've never had the courage to post anything. I've also spent a short while wondering what I'm actually typing to post here or if I'll post anything at all. I'm having a secret battle with depression, I have been for what feels like forever. In fact this is the first time I've ever typed, written or said it outside of my own mind.
I thought things were looking up 6 months ago when I got a job that I loved and I started to feel better about life and myself, but I lost that due to company cuts last month. I've also met a girl I like a lot but my depression, self hate and everything that comes with it is getting in the way. So much so I think I've messed things up there as I usually do.
So I just wanted to at least put something out there because I'm at the lowest point of my life so far. It's scary and lonely.
Well done for taking the first step. I thought things were looking up 6 months ago when I got a job that I loved and I started to feel better about life and myself, but I lost that due to company cuts last month. I've also met a girl I like a lot but my depression, self hate and everything that comes with it is getting in the way. So much so I think I've messed things up there as I usually do.
So I just wanted to at least put something out there because I'm at the lowest point of my life so far. It's scary and lonely.
xjay1337 said:
Hey Ruskie, just read your blog post.
It doesn't sound good. Some of the things you write are quite worrying.
Please check in to ensure you are OK. Feel free to rant.
For me, I have had over a year off the meds, but today I have booked an appointment with the doctor for later this afternoon, I need to go back, I am not doing very well at the moment.
I'm struggling but nothing new there. It doesn't sound good. Some of the things you write are quite worrying.
Please check in to ensure you are OK. Feel free to rant.
For me, I have had over a year off the meds, but today I have booked an appointment with the doctor for later this afternoon, I need to go back, I am not doing very well at the moment.
https://youtu.be/s5JJT96g7C0
I watched this and found him to be incredible articulate, honest and have a fantastic way of explaining what depression is. It's only 3 mins long but worth a watch.
I watched this and found him to be incredible articulate, honest and have a fantastic way of explaining what depression is. It's only 3 mins long but worth a watch.
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