Sex after having kids
Discussion
bennno said:
More seriously do you ever leave kids with parents to have a night or weekend away? Do you get a babysitter in and go out for a meal?
Does the youngest sleep through in their own room?
Its a lot of work with a 4 and 1 year old, pretty full on, she'll be tired and stressed by the responsibilities, especially if a lack of sleep involved.
Just be supportive, don't pester, talk more
The youngest does sleep in his room and sleep through. We do go out on dates say once every 2 months. Does the youngest sleep through in their own room?
Its a lot of work with a 4 and 1 year old, pretty full on, she'll be tired and stressed by the responsibilities, especially if a lack of sleep involved.
Just be supportive, don't pester, talk more
bennno said:
CraigNewmarket said:
bennno said:
More seriously do you ever leave kids with parents to have a night or weekend away? Do you get a babysitter in and go out for a meal?
Does the youngest sleep through in their own room?
Its a lot of work with a 4 and 1 year old, pretty full on, she'll be tired and stressed by the responsibilities, especially if a lack of sleep involved.
Just be supportive, don't pester, talk more
The youngest does sleep in his room and sleep through. We do go out on dates say once every 2 months. Does the youngest sleep through in their own room?
Its a lot of work with a 4 and 1 year old, pretty full on, she'll be tired and stressed by the responsibilities, especially if a lack of sleep involved.
Just be supportive, don't pester, talk more
Taking your other half out 6 times a year and calling it a date, probably sets an expectation.
Try to perhaps take her out for dinner, or even just for a walk or drink or something at least every other week.
Do you take turns cooking, household chores etc?
Do you eat with the kids or together once they've gone to bed?
PinkHouse said:
All the people telling the OP to get up at 4am to be at her beck and call to earn brownie points and essentially be a good little boy scout are completely missing the point. The most hilarious bit of advice was to read threads on Mumsnet to try to understand the female point of view - I've never seen a wilder goose chase proposed. The one hard and fast rule to understand is that you cannot negotiate desire - no amount of chores would make you more sexually attractive to a woman who doesn't already have that desire for you.
Perhaps the only useful advice I've seen here is to not let your self-worth be tied into the desire of one woman, and stop dwelling in the negativity (much easier said than done). As you've seen from the responses in this thread, as a man that's down/going through a tough experience, 99.9% of the time you're on your own and expected to deal with it and solve whatever you're facing. You may think that showing her how much her behaviour/lack of desire is hurting you then you'll only further make her resent you and find you even less attractive. Most women simply don't have the instinctive urge to help a man out of a difficult situation the way men have the natural instinct to provide for/protect a partner/child, they only have that instinct for a child - who they are definitely not attracted to - so I hope you get the point.
Good advice...Perhaps the only useful advice I've seen here is to not let your self-worth be tied into the desire of one woman, and stop dwelling in the negativity (much easier said than done). As you've seen from the responses in this thread, as a man that's down/going through a tough experience, 99.9% of the time you're on your own and expected to deal with it and solve whatever you're facing. You may think that showing her how much her behaviour/lack of desire is hurting you then you'll only further make her resent you and find you even less attractive. Most women simply don't have the instinctive urge to help a man out of a difficult situation the way men have the natural instinct to provide for/protect a partner/child, they only have that instinct for a child - who they are definitely not attracted to - so I hope you get the point.
- Essentially you need to focus on making yourself a more attractive and well rounded person, and the most important step is changing your mindset and rebuilding your confidence since you are stuck in essentially a negative feedback loop at home.
- Try throwing yourself into new hobbies/experiences or revitalise old hobbies you were good at and enjoy. Try to build an active social life and friendships, not sure where you are based but essentially put yourself out of your comfort zone and sign up to random things like dance-classes, events, walks etc. Anything that takes your mind away from home and re-discover the fact that life has so much more to offer and get a bit more perspective away from your current doom and gloom mentality
- Prioritise strength training at the gym if you're not already doing so as that on its own can entirely transform how you feel and how attractive you are to other people. You'll be healthier for it as well and there's literally no downsides.
Pieman68 said:
Going back to what you've said before and particularly this - the pressure is still there. You're offering to do chores in exchange for something, and specifically mentioning sex. The impression you give (and if I'm wrong I apologise) is that you are bringing this up regularly in conversation. The only thing you are doing here is building her resentment up, coming across as needy and only looking out for yourself. You're pressuring and manipulating her verbally to try and get your needs met.
Don't ask about doing stuff, don't offer stuff in exchange for you getting what you want - just pitch in a little more, do the odd job without being asked, take the kids out for a day and tell her to just rest, or go and get her hair done, or go to a spa with the girls. But don't follow that up with "and then when you're all relaxed you can put out"
Just give her some time, take the expectation away, take some of the load off her without expecting something in return.
It may not change things - and a grown up conversation may be needed in the future - but with 2 young kids, and especially one of them only a year old, the time for any of that to be a consideration is not now!
I was just replying to that individual poster, I knew the answer would be no. Don't ask about doing stuff, don't offer stuff in exchange for you getting what you want - just pitch in a little more, do the odd job without being asked, take the kids out for a day and tell her to just rest, or go and get her hair done, or go to a spa with the girls. But don't follow that up with "and then when you're all relaxed you can put out"
Just give her some time, take the expectation away, take some of the load off her without expecting something in return.
It may not change things - and a grown up conversation may be needed in the future - but with 2 young kids, and especially one of them only a year old, the time for any of that to be a consideration is not now!
PinkHouse said:
RabidGranny said:
Brutal. but you are probably right.
OP this has probably been a rather chastening experience, but hopefully you'll realize that alot on here are in the same boat and we worked out what we know now as regards post natal sex a long time ago.
So tips
1. do some heavy lifting around the house
2. dial into the porn
3. look into booking a weekend away somewhere posh, sans the kids. It'll be something for you both to look forward to.
Ask any woman how high up the list watching porn and housework rank on the list of things they find attractive in men. I assume the majority would have those at the bottom of their list. Porn isn't the answer and won't make you happier, it's fleeting at best and relying on it constantly would leave you even more tired/letrargic/depressed after. OP this has probably been a rather chastening experience, but hopefully you'll realize that alot on here are in the same boat and we worked out what we know now as regards post natal sex a long time ago.
So tips
1. do some heavy lifting around the house
2. dial into the porn
3. look into booking a weekend away somewhere posh, sans the kids. It'll be something for you both to look forward to.
Taking her out for a nice weekend away and planning other nice things is a good idea but doing those in isolation isn't likely to change much
simon_harris said:
jesus some of the replies in this thread are pretty embarrassing, and if these replies are genuine then it is a poor poor reflection of PH members
OP, in the last few years your partner has lost her independence, body confidence, free will (the children come first etc) , financial independence, social life, libido and it would seem the loving support of her life partner.
And you seem surprised why she isn't interested in sex at the moment, in fact you seem to value her so little you are prepared to move on just because you aren't getting the sex you think you need to validate your existence. Your life together is supposed to be a partnership, you and her against the world, you seem more focussed on the one thing she isn't doing then everything else she is doing/dealing with and reducing her down to nothing because of that.
I would honestly advise stop using porn - it gives a really disjointed view of sex and its availability I would focus on making both of your lives the best they can be, you mentioned she has some body confidence issues talk to her about how you can overcome that together. Try organising a date night that takes sex completely off the table from the outset so you can just focus on having a good time together with no hidden pressures or agendas. Infact introducing limits on sexual activity can be a great way of boosting desire, we always want what we can't have.
if you constantly put her in a situation where she thinks "this is all just because he wants sex" she is going to negatively associate you with sex and that won't help either of you in the longer term. I suspect the more you pester the less likely she is to want it, and eventually that will turn into the less likely she is to want it with you.
I would suggest thinking about your lives before the children when she was interested in sex, what were the situations that created that desire, find ways to re-create them and most importantly of all work out what you want from your life with your partner, is it just easy access to sex or is it a partnership that takes the ebb and flow of life in its stride supporting each other, raises two beautiful kids to be happy and fulfilled.
Hi,OP, in the last few years your partner has lost her independence, body confidence, free will (the children come first etc) , financial independence, social life, libido and it would seem the loving support of her life partner.
And you seem surprised why she isn't interested in sex at the moment, in fact you seem to value her so little you are prepared to move on just because you aren't getting the sex you think you need to validate your existence. Your life together is supposed to be a partnership, you and her against the world, you seem more focussed on the one thing she isn't doing then everything else she is doing/dealing with and reducing her down to nothing because of that.
I would honestly advise stop using porn - it gives a really disjointed view of sex and its availability I would focus on making both of your lives the best they can be, you mentioned she has some body confidence issues talk to her about how you can overcome that together. Try organising a date night that takes sex completely off the table from the outset so you can just focus on having a good time together with no hidden pressures or agendas. Infact introducing limits on sexual activity can be a great way of boosting desire, we always want what we can't have.
if you constantly put her in a situation where she thinks "this is all just because he wants sex" she is going to negatively associate you with sex and that won't help either of you in the longer term. I suspect the more you pester the less likely she is to want it, and eventually that will turn into the less likely she is to want it with you.
I would suggest thinking about your lives before the children when she was interested in sex, what were the situations that created that desire, find ways to re-create them and most importantly of all work out what you want from your life with your partner, is it just easy access to sex or is it a partnership that takes the ebb and flow of life in its stride supporting each other, raises two beautiful kids to be happy and fulfilled.
I know it's supposed to be a partnership but im finding it hard to feel this way because I don't feel loved, wanted, or cared for. And it's hard to feel these emotions about someone who appears to not feel the same at all.
I'm feeling very alone, we don't do anything together. I don't feel like I could count on her or rely on her and its all one way coming from me.
simon_harris said:
Is this the actual problem rather than the sex?
You have to work at relationship from both sides, sometimes one of you is doing more heavy lifting than the other but the key is you both have to want the relationship to work.
The questions being asked about what you do together and as a family are important.
Yep we have spent the whole summer going places as a family You have to work at relationship from both sides, sometimes one of you is doing more heavy lifting than the other but the key is you both have to want the relationship to work.
The questions being asked about what you do together and as a family are important.
jontysafe said:
Just scan read through all 9 pages.
All comes down to one thing......patience. You will feel absolutely last on the list of priorities your wife has now, and if you really stop to think about it, would you want it any other way? You have 2 children and the youngest is 1. Try a role reversal for 1 week and see how interested in sex you are. Then add in the fact she birthed 2 human beings down 'there' and doesn't even have her cycle back yet.
I looked at it as if I was 'paying in' to the relationship 'bank' while she was withdrawing from the relationship 'bank'. The bank being a metaphor for the health of our relationship.
I do feel for you though as it seems you don`t even get a discussion towards you both having the same end goal in the future.
Some weeks I`m still dead last on the list of my wife`s priorities. Those are still the weeks she goes to the top of my priorities. You see how this may work?
A week or 2 ye fine whatever but when it's months and months what then? All comes down to one thing......patience. You will feel absolutely last on the list of priorities your wife has now, and if you really stop to think about it, would you want it any other way? You have 2 children and the youngest is 1. Try a role reversal for 1 week and see how interested in sex you are. Then add in the fact she birthed 2 human beings down 'there' and doesn't even have her cycle back yet.
I looked at it as if I was 'paying in' to the relationship 'bank' while she was withdrawing from the relationship 'bank'. The bank being a metaphor for the health of our relationship.
I do feel for you though as it seems you don`t even get a discussion towards you both having the same end goal in the future.
Some weeks I`m still dead last on the list of my wife`s priorities. Those are still the weeks she goes to the top of my priorities. You see how this may work?
Am I been selfish for asking for 30 mins a week is it actually me?
otolith said:
Were you both invested in the idea of becoming parents, or is it something your partner wanted which you went along with? I think a lot of men go into it with their eyes closed and don't quite understand what it is that is being required of them until it's too late.
I was happy to have children and happy for a drop off in sex but didn't expect to go to nothingotolith said:
CraigNewmarket said:
I know it's supposed to be a partnership but im finding it hard to feel this way because I don't feel loved, wanted, or cared for. And it's hard to feel these emotions about someone who appears to not feel the same at all.
I'm feeling very alone, we don't do anything together. I don't feel like I could count on her or rely on her and its all one way coming from me.
Is the lack of sex (which you appear to be focusing on) a symptom of a deeper problem? If she was throwing you a perfunctory shag on a regular basis, would that be enough to make you feel loved, wanted, or cared for?I'm feeling very alone, we don't do anything together. I don't feel like I could count on her or rely on her and its all one way coming from me.
You have to keep in mind that you have been demoted from (at best) the person who she most cares about in the world to third in line.
Rebew said:
The only way to start having sex with your partner again is to stop begging for sex. Stop making it obvious how much you want it, stop sulking if you don't get it and stop saying you'll do your chores in return for a quick shag. Did you ever do these things before having children?
Do the chores, let her have a lie in, give her a few hours alone whilst you take the kids out, but don't do it so that she will have sex with you. It will take time but she will get there again.
The problem is likely more to do with not loving herself than it is to do with not loving you. Be supportive and give her time to love herself again and the rest will follow.
Our boys are 5 and 3 now and our sex life is as good as it has ever been but the first year or so after they were born, particularly the second one, was a very different story.
It will come back but it'll take time and it will take longer if you are desperately pining for it. Nothing is less sexy than a man desperate for sex.
Thanks for the advice, after your second did you ever feel like the relationship wouldn't last? Don't answer if it's too personal.Do the chores, let her have a lie in, give her a few hours alone whilst you take the kids out, but don't do it so that she will have sex with you. It will take time but she will get there again.
The problem is likely more to do with not loving herself than it is to do with not loving you. Be supportive and give her time to love herself again and the rest will follow.
Our boys are 5 and 3 now and our sex life is as good as it has ever been but the first year or so after they were born, particularly the second one, was a very different story.
It will come back but it'll take time and it will take longer if you are desperately pining for it. Nothing is less sexy than a man desperate for sex.
Rebew said:
CraigNewmarket said:
Rebew said:
The only way to start having sex with your partner again is to stop begging for sex. Stop making it obvious how much you want it, stop sulking if you don't get it and stop saying you'll do your chores in return for a quick shag. Did you ever do these things before having children?
Do the chores, let her have a lie in, give her a few hours alone whilst you take the kids out, but don't do it so that she will have sex with you. It will take time but she will get there again.
The problem is likely more to do with not loving herself than it is to do with not loving you. Be supportive and give her time to love herself again and the rest will follow.
Our boys are 5 and 3 now and our sex life is as good as it has ever been but the first year or so after they were born, particularly the second one, was a very different story.
It will come back but it'll take time and it will take longer if you are desperately pining for it. Nothing is less sexy than a man desperate for sex.
Thanks for the advice, after your second did you ever feel like the relationship wouldn't last? Don't answer if it's too personal.Do the chores, let her have a lie in, give her a few hours alone whilst you take the kids out, but don't do it so that she will have sex with you. It will take time but she will get there again.
The problem is likely more to do with not loving herself than it is to do with not loving you. Be supportive and give her time to love herself again and the rest will follow.
Our boys are 5 and 3 now and our sex life is as good as it has ever been but the first year or so after they were born, particularly the second one, was a very different story.
It will come back but it'll take time and it will take longer if you are desperately pining for it. Nothing is less sexy than a man desperate for sex.
Don't get me wrong, I still made all the mistakes that you have, begging for it, offering chores in exchange for it etc. None of that works. I found that the time between when I stopped being outwardly desperate for it and when our sex life got going again was remarkably short. I don't think it would have been the same way had I not changed my attitude.
Also, stop the porn, it's not necessary, not healthy and it probably pisses her off even if she doesn't say it. By all means have a tug in the shower or whatever but use your imagination instead of your phone.
The housework thing was a joke we both knew the answer.
When I said we do nothing together I ment as a couple not as a whole family.
She doesn't know about the porn I've never mentioned it to her.
We were talking about getting married a few weeks ago with our families so it's still on her mind. In the back of my mind I was thinking we need to sort our sex life out first.
I honestly wish I didn't feel this way and was happy to go without
smifffymoto said:
Been there,done that.
We had a crap sex life after kids,it went on for 24 years. Mrs S was no bedroom bunny but she showed her love in other ways,cooking fantastic meals,supporting me 100% in any stupid endeavour I happened to think of,being a great mother.
When you achieve real love and contentment,not love based around primal urges to recreate,life becomes easier. Stop believing rubbish on the internet that everyone is having lots of fantastic sex 7 nights a week.
Mrs S passed away last month and I miss her every waking moment.
First of all sorry for your loss. We had a crap sex life after kids,it went on for 24 years. Mrs S was no bedroom bunny but she showed her love in other ways,cooking fantastic meals,supporting me 100% in any stupid endeavour I happened to think of,being a great mother.
When you achieve real love and contentment,not love based around primal urges to recreate,life becomes easier. Stop believing rubbish on the internet that everyone is having lots of fantastic sex 7 nights a week.
Mrs S passed away last month and I miss her every waking moment.
The problem is I don't feel like she is supportive of me, I walk in the house after work I get no hows your day etc.
I'm not expecting this daily i just want some sort of interest in my life from her.
I cant tell you how draining it is to wonder if we will be together in a few weeks, months or years and all the upheaval that would come with it.
I also understand that this is more my problem than hers been so insecure.
Because we're not having sex I'm constantly looking for any signs of her still wanting to be together in what she says and does. I also know that the least attractive man is a insecure one so do I just pretend everything's OK.
Jefferson Steelflex said:
OP needs to have a couple of w
ks to take the edge off, then take some of the advice here.
Make sure your appearance and attractiveness (subjective I know) are up to scratch. Look nice, smell nice, etc.
Help out around the house more. Do your bit and give your wife some 'me time'.
Never, under any circumstances, mention sex as some sort of currency. It demeans you, makes you look like a and has the opposite effect of that which you intend. If sex with you wouldn't be a pleasure, you need to work on that. She should be wanting sex with you.
Spend time together alone, without expectations. In front of the TV, meal out, whatever. Work up to a weekend away.
Keep talking. It's ok to say you miss the physical intimacy, but make it something you are willing to wait for
On the other side, sex is an important part of a relationship. Don't feel bad about being down, for may people it is a way of someone affirming their love for you.Don't feel bad about being down, for may people it is a way of someone affirming their love for you.
Sure, very few people are on the job every night, getting a nosh randomly in the kitchen or anything else you see on a porno. But a healthy, adult, loving relationship should include some form of sexual element, even if it's once a month or when you go away for a weekend.
I guess the crux is that you may not have sex until your wedding night or even beyond and you need to square that off in your mind. But do keep talking, and don't ruin your kids happines over not blowing your load - it will come back if you make the effort.
I honestly said the ill clean the house for sex as a joke she took it that way. ks to take the edge off, then take some of the advice here. Make sure your appearance and attractiveness (subjective I know) are up to scratch. Look nice, smell nice, etc.
Help out around the house more. Do your bit and give your wife some 'me time'.
Never, under any circumstances, mention sex as some sort of currency. It demeans you, makes you look like a
and has the opposite effect of that which you intend. If sex with you wouldn't be a pleasure, you need to work on that. She should be wanting sex with you.Spend time together alone, without expectations. In front of the TV, meal out, whatever. Work up to a weekend away.
Keep talking. It's ok to say you miss the physical intimacy, but make it something you are willing to wait for
On the other side, sex is an important part of a relationship. Don't feel bad about being down, for may people it is a way of someone affirming their love for you.Don't feel bad about being down, for may people it is a way of someone affirming their love for you.
Sure, very few people are on the job every night, getting a nosh randomly in the kitchen or anything else you see on a porno. But a healthy, adult, loving relationship should include some form of sexual element, even if it's once a month or when you go away for a weekend.
I guess the crux is that you may not have sex until your wedding night or even beyond and you need to square that off in your mind. But do keep talking, and don't ruin your kids happines over not blowing your load - it will come back if you make the effort.
Don't feel bad about being down, for may people it is a way of someone affirming their love for you.
This is how i feel, to be honest it's probably the rejection rather than the act that's making me feel this way.
If she just said just be patient or I need more time I would feel much better. Rather than I don't want sex I'm just not bothered for it.
Hi all just a quick update on this, things have got slightly better we plan to have sex once a week some weeks we will have sex the day we have planned to other weeks we won't and it will get kicked down the road until the next day and the next and the next which is incredibly frustrating for me as I head to bed all worked up for sex then nothing happens and I'm just laid in bed for hours until I'm tired enough to go to sleep.
Often we try and she says it's not working for her and I say we will try tomorrow then. Other times she says she can't because relax cause we've put it off for 4 days so I say why don't we just do it on the day planned then?
The weeks we have it we are fine and get along the weeks we don't have it she gets fed up of talking about it and it causes arguments.
The problem is between asking to actually doing it can be 4-5 days so by the time we do it we are already into the next week .
I often find myself agreeing with her on things just to increase the chance of having planned sex that night then when that doesn't happen it's adds to the frustration.
Some weeks are fine and I feel happy like we are actually getting somewhere then the next week it's back to arguing about it.
Often we try and she says it's not working for her and I say we will try tomorrow then. Other times she says she can't because relax cause we've put it off for 4 days so I say why don't we just do it on the day planned then?
The weeks we have it we are fine and get along the weeks we don't have it she gets fed up of talking about it and it causes arguments.
The problem is between asking to actually doing it can be 4-5 days so by the time we do it we are already into the next week .
I often find myself agreeing with her on things just to increase the chance of having planned sex that night then when that doesn't happen it's adds to the frustration.
Some weeks are fine and I feel happy like we are actually getting somewhere then the next week it's back to arguing about it.
Muzzer79 said:
I still think you're behaving like a child anticipating being given a present by a parent and getting beside yourself with excitement, only to tantrum when it's delayed.
If you've put it off for whatever reason, maybe just let it roll until the next week? If she can't relax, it's probably because you're humping her leg hassling her, trying to get her to agree to it.
Seek help for your urges or find another partner with a long term sex drive which matches yours.
She did have the same sex drive it was never a problem before how do you know what someone's sex drive will be 5/10 years into the future? If you've put it off for whatever reason, maybe just let it roll until the next week? If she can't relax, it's probably because you're humping her leg hassling her, trying to get her to agree to it.
Seek help for your urges or find another partner with a long term sex drive which matches yours.
I don't tantrum I'm the one who says lets just leave it till tomorrow.
It's OK saying put it off until next week but it impacts our whole homelife daily, I think why should I put effort in if she doesn't for 30 mins a week. Like I said I find myself agreeing with her to do things even though I don't want just to not put her in a negative mood.
Edited by CraigNewmarket on Tuesday 21st November 17:03
CraigNewmarket said:
Muzzer79 said:
I still think you're behaving like a child anticipating being given a present by a parent and getting beside yourself with excitement, only to tantrum when it's delayed.
If you've put it off for whatever reason, maybe just let it roll until the next week? If she can't relax, it's probably because you're humping her leg hassling her, trying to get her to agree to it.
Seek help for your urges or find another partner with a long term sex drive which matches yours.
She did have the same sex drive it was never a problem before how do you know what someone's sex drive will be 5/10 years into the future? If you've put it off for whatever reason, maybe just let it roll until the next week? If she can't relax, it's probably because you're humping her leg hassling her, trying to get her to agree to it.
Seek help for your urges or find another partner with a long term sex drive which matches yours.
I don't tantrum I'm the one who says lets just leave it till tomorrow.
It's OK saying put it off until next week but it impacts our whole homelife daily and future financial planning and housing plans, I think why should I put effort in if she doesn't for 30 mins a week. Like I said I find myself agreeing with her to do things even though I don't want just to not put her in a negative mood.
Edited by CraigNewmarket on Tuesday 21st November 17:03
Monkeylegend said:
More like the weeks you have sex you are fine.
Seems like you are spending your whole life thinking about having sex, and she is spending hers thinking about ways not to have it.
Do you not see that even when you do have it she probably doesn't want to but has been beaten into submission, and it is easier for her to let you pleasure yourself with her for a few minutes to get it over with, than constantly arguing about it.
If you think that is the basis for a good relationship you are wrong, and one day she will finally call and end to it.
Would you constantly want to have sex with somebody you no longer fancied knowing how unhappy it was making you?
I don't spend my whole life thinking about sex but I'm not ready to give up on it just yet. She does get the sex buzz after we have sex becoming really chatty and saying next time we have sex bla bla bla Seems like you are spending your whole life thinking about having sex, and she is spending hers thinking about ways not to have it.
Do you not see that even when you do have it she probably doesn't want to but has been beaten into submission, and it is easier for her to let you pleasure yourself with her for a few minutes to get it over with, than constantly arguing about it.
If you think that is the basis for a good relationship you are wrong, and one day she will finally call and end to it.
Would you constantly want to have sex with somebody you no longer fancied knowing how unhappy it was making you?
I think sex is part of a relationship and once a week isnt too much to hope for.
Or just accept she wants the whole relationship but not the sex part?
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