Nothing like family/girlfriend issues...
Discussion
longshot said:
Bobby has touched upon something I was going to say.
I would be tempted to sit your parents down and rather than ask them what is wrong with your girlfriend, ask them what type of girl they think you should be with and what attributes she should have.
It probably won't make a bit of difference but will give some insight into how their minds are working.
Have they always been so controlling?
I have tried this but they seem to avoid the question. I have a big group of friends and some other female friends they were particularly friendly with/suggested I invite them to things even though they were totally not my type/friends ex's (something I wont do). I think it relates to the issues raised in the OP from these discussions plus them never making effort to talk to her to get to know herI would be tempted to sit your parents down and rather than ask them what is wrong with your girlfriend, ask them what type of girl they think you should be with and what attributes she should have.
It probably won't make a bit of difference but will give some insight into how their minds are working.
Have they always been so controlling?
longshot said:
Tell the horrible pair that you and the girl have finished and carry on seeing her on the quiet until your exams are done and then tell them to stuff it and leave.
This will never work, would never trust myself to keep a straight storybobbylondonuk said:
You need to make some asian friends.. We specialise in this kind of family blackmail operation and system bypass protocols.
My advice..sit down with your girlfriend, plan a time table to move in or you make a plan to move out. Then inform your parents you have broken up with her and take your relationship underground!This will also give you the freedom to be a b
d at home and pay back for all the st...cos now they have nothing to beat you with if the GF is out of the picture.
Either you play the game and move out, then stick 2 fingers up at everyone OR you tow the line because you have no option but to choose the family security over your GF.
Playing the game means you better be a good player or you are out on your arse. Towing the family line means there is always chance for another chick to be presented as acceptable at a later stage...or some rich chick that your family push down your throat that you can dump anytime with no hassle as your folks would sort it out because it is their reputation at stake!
Now you see why a lot of the Asian kids stick around at home and play the game? It is the way of parents who control the next generation for their personal appearances within their communities. The kids who get stuck get sucked into it as adults and the circle goes on. The ones who move out early and live their own lives are far less controlled and manipulated by the community.
Same applies to any community...just that asians are more prone to this kind of 'abuse' than others as it is more of a traditional cultural thing than other ethnic groups.
This does sound rather similar, although both parents were brought up in boarding school in the 60's which may be part to do with the, do what I say or else attitudeMy advice..sit down with your girlfriend, plan a time table to move in or you make a plan to move out. Then inform your parents you have broken up with her and take your relationship underground!This will also give you the freedom to be a b
d at home and pay back for all the st...cos now they have nothing to beat you with if the GF is out of the picture.Either you play the game and move out, then stick 2 fingers up at everyone OR you tow the line because you have no option but to choose the family security over your GF.
Playing the game means you better be a good player or you are out on your arse. Towing the family line means there is always chance for another chick to be presented as acceptable at a later stage...or some rich chick that your family push down your throat that you can dump anytime with no hassle as your folks would sort it out because it is their reputation at stake!
Now you see why a lot of the Asian kids stick around at home and play the game? It is the way of parents who control the next generation for their personal appearances within their communities. The kids who get stuck get sucked into it as adults and the circle goes on. The ones who move out early and live their own lives are far less controlled and manipulated by the community.
Same applies to any community...just that asians are more prone to this kind of 'abuse' than others as it is more of a traditional cultural thing than other ethnic groups.
Gargamel said:
If you work for one of the large four professional firms (ACA) then FFS speak to the staff partner or the HR person, tell them that there is trouble at home and do they have any short term accommodation for a couple of weeks.
Don't jeopardise your exams over this st, it is your route to freedom.
I don't unfortunately, the training (CFA) has been subcontracted to an external training provider and is something that is not typically done with employees within the company, something that I managed to request in my end of probation meeting/appraisal although I had to sign a contract amendment saying if leaving within a year become liable for the cost, fail become liable to re-sit fees etc etc....Don't jeopardise your exams over this s
t, it is your route to freedom. Edited by PH Member on Wednesday 1st August 01:10
Will say, thanks to all who have helped, been on spareroom.co.uk and see it as being the only option from here, even if my overdraft takes a major additional hit in the short term....
Thanks for all of the advice thus far, think it may be time to try and get some sleep, especially ahead of the meeting i've got in 7 hours time.....
Thanks for all of the advice thus far, think it may be time to try and get some sleep, especially ahead of the meeting i've got in 7 hours time.....
No matter what happens in the short term, I think you really need to plan to move out as soon as you can afford it.
Do you think your parents would really follow through and throw you out? Or is it just an idle threat to manipulate you? I know it's a horrible prospect but if the worst happened and you were made homeless you would not be on the street; your local council has a responsibility to find you emergency accommodation. This would likely be in a unpleasant hostel, but at least you could have somewhere to put your head down without the worry of being kicked out again. There is a charity called 'Shelter', I'd really recommend you contact them ASAP if you think your parents threats are genuine, they can help you with all things accommodation related.
I don't blame your girlfriend for not wanting to write an apology letter, it may keep the peace temporarily but would definitely set a precedent in the future. Maybe a compromise would be to apologise for her actions, but explain they were a direct result of the treatment she had for so long. Not really grovelling, but may be enough to keep your parents off your back.
I personally wouldn't pretend the relationship was over, but then I'm quite stubborn and would (and have in the past) take the line that I can do as I please rather than lie to appease people. It might cause an uproar now, but in the longer term it commands more respect.
I really hope you find a resolution soon, try and take some comfort that your girlfriend is sticking by your side, many just wouldn't tolerate the grief.
Do you think your parents would really follow through and throw you out? Or is it just an idle threat to manipulate you? I know it's a horrible prospect but if the worst happened and you were made homeless you would not be on the street; your local council has a responsibility to find you emergency accommodation. This would likely be in a unpleasant hostel, but at least you could have somewhere to put your head down without the worry of being kicked out again. There is a charity called 'Shelter', I'd really recommend you contact them ASAP if you think your parents threats are genuine, they can help you with all things accommodation related.
I don't blame your girlfriend for not wanting to write an apology letter, it may keep the peace temporarily but would definitely set a precedent in the future. Maybe a compromise would be to apologise for her actions, but explain they were a direct result of the treatment she had for so long. Not really grovelling, but may be enough to keep your parents off your back.
I personally wouldn't pretend the relationship was over, but then I'm quite stubborn and would (and have in the past) take the line that I can do as I please rather than lie to appease people. It might cause an uproar now, but in the longer term it commands more respect.
I really hope you find a resolution soon, try and take some comfort that your girlfriend is sticking by your side, many just wouldn't tolerate the grief.
http://www.itv.com/jeremykyle/be-a-guest/
Seriously though, you really need to move out. If parents are being difficult to live with you need to get out PDQ.
Private renting is expensive, I based our monthly expenses on two incomes - but my girlfriend lost her job so it's now all on me. It's doable but it does mean you have a far lower disposable income. I just downgraded my car to clear some debts and reduce monthly outgoings.
Can your girlfriend not get a job and pool all of your money together? A bedsit can't be too pricey and should be doable.
Seriously though, you really need to move out. If parents are being difficult to live with you need to get out PDQ.
Private renting is expensive, I based our monthly expenses on two incomes - but my girlfriend lost her job so it's now all on me. It's doable but it does mean you have a far lower disposable income. I just downgraded my car to clear some debts and reduce monthly outgoings.
Can your girlfriend not get a job and pool all of your money together? A bedsit can't be too pricey and should be doable.
PH Member said:
Will say, thanks to all who have helped, been on spareroom.co.uk and see it as being the only option from here, even if my overdraft takes a major additional hit in the short term....
Good luck. Have a word with your bank, they may extend your overdraft- not long after I graduated I had an accident in my car and HSBC temporarily doubled mine to help me get back on the road. This was in 1996 though. If you're getting a £2k cheque from your insurers there's a good rent deposit too.
Speak to work and inform them of the situation. I see it's an external course but they need to be aware you are having external issues at this time.
Secondly, move out. Do you have friends in the area? They will put you up I'm sure and put the car on the market whilst there. Perhaps drop the price a little to ensure equity though.
If your girlfriend is keen to work she will get a job I'm sure and then look at renting together.
Alternatively, sack it all off and go travelling and sod your family.
Secondly, move out. Do you have friends in the area? They will put you up I'm sure and put the car on the market whilst there. Perhaps drop the price a little to ensure equity though.
If your girlfriend is keen to work she will get a job I'm sure and then look at renting together.
Alternatively, sack it all off and go travelling and sod your family.
I have observed this type of situation on a number of occasions. On the assumption my earlier question about religious or cultural issues not being a factor, some further insight that may be of help....
It is not uncommon that the relationship between a mother and father evolves to the point where the only thing that bonds both is the presence of children in the home. As children grow older, the realisation that they will not be at home as much and that relationship with girlfriends/boyfriends begin to underpin the fact that the roll of the parents is fast diminishing can start to bring home the reality of the fragility of the relationship between the parents. This is then manifested in odd behaviour including much of what you have described.
This type of behaviour tends to occur with couples that had children very early on in their relationship.
Another factor that can compound this is that parents can become envious of the parents of the girl/boyfriend. Typical scenario: Parents 'A' are well off, nice car, home, cash in bank, etc.. but lack the emotional bond between each other. Girl/Boyfriend's family are working class, council house, a bit of debt yet blissfully happy with their lot. So whilst Parents 'B' might look longingly at the possessions of parents 'A', equally, Parents 'A' long for the sort of relationship that parents 'B' have and can't understand why they are happy having perceivably achieved less.
It's a complex issue to which there is usually no formulaic solution other than time.
It is not uncommon that the relationship between a mother and father evolves to the point where the only thing that bonds both is the presence of children in the home. As children grow older, the realisation that they will not be at home as much and that relationship with girlfriends/boyfriends begin to underpin the fact that the roll of the parents is fast diminishing can start to bring home the reality of the fragility of the relationship between the parents. This is then manifested in odd behaviour including much of what you have described.
This type of behaviour tends to occur with couples that had children very early on in their relationship.
Another factor that can compound this is that parents can become envious of the parents of the girl/boyfriend. Typical scenario: Parents 'A' are well off, nice car, home, cash in bank, etc.. but lack the emotional bond between each other. Girl/Boyfriend's family are working class, council house, a bit of debt yet blissfully happy with their lot. So whilst Parents 'B' might look longingly at the possessions of parents 'A', equally, Parents 'A' long for the sort of relationship that parents 'B' have and can't understand why they are happy having perceivably achieved less.
It's a complex issue to which there is usually no formulaic solution other than time.
http://www.gumtree.com/p/flats-houses/cosy-single-...
http://www.gumtree.com/p/flats-houses/beautiful-si...
http://www.gumtree.com/p/flats-houses/amazing-sing...
http://www.gumtree.com/p/flats-houses/gorgeous-sin...
there's 4 for less than £300 a month, all inside the M25, none of them especially far from public transport. Do you get a wage rise after the December exam?
http://www.gumtree.com/p/flats-houses/beautiful-si...
http://www.gumtree.com/p/flats-houses/amazing-sing...
http://www.gumtree.com/p/flats-houses/gorgeous-sin...
there's 4 for less than £300 a month, all inside the M25, none of them especially far from public transport. Do you get a wage rise after the December exam?
You have the worst 'can't do' attitude I have seen for a while. You are giving plenty of excuses why you can't move out / sell car / be with your girlfriend / stay at her place. You haven't even tried if you can't find somewhere for less than 500/month.
You are an adult in your 20's. You have a degree, and are starting a career in the city. Quite honestly, the whole world is about to open up to you as you earn money, meet new people, start your actual life. My honest view - you are scared to take the jump of actually starting your own life, which is quite natural. Take the hit on a little debt now to make this jump. Your lifestyle will change, yes - you will certainly not be living in as nice a place, but it is a necessary change.
P.s. be very sure that this is the girl you want to sever ties with your family for. If you truly see a future with her, then do it.
You are an adult in your 20's. You have a degree, and are starting a career in the city. Quite honestly, the whole world is about to open up to you as you earn money, meet new people, start your actual life. My honest view - you are scared to take the jump of actually starting your own life, which is quite natural. Take the hit on a little debt now to make this jump. Your lifestyle will change, yes - you will certainly not be living in as nice a place, but it is a necessary change.
P.s. be very sure that this is the girl you want to sever ties with your family for. If you truly see a future with her, then do it.
StevieBee said:
Without wishing to pry too deeply, are there any religious or cultural issues at play here?
nope not at all, not church goers and neither are my girlfriends familyIceman82 said:
Speak to work and inform them of the situation. I see it's an external course but they need to be aware you are having external issues at this time.
Secondly, move out. Do you have friends in the area? They will put you up I'm sure and put the car on the market whilst there. Perhaps drop the price a little to ensure equity though.
If your girlfriend is keen to work she will get a job I'm sure and then look at renting together.
Alternatively, sack it all off and go travelling and sod your family.
Yeah I will mention it a little more clearly at work, they have sensed that I am more stressed and closer friends/team members do know some more details. I would love to sell the car but it currently has bodywork hanging off and the third party not contacting their insurers so am forced to wait until its fixed, even then its a case of finding a buyer as it isn't the most popular of cars (20-25 mpg petrol 5 year old mechanically complex)Secondly, move out. Do you have friends in the area? They will put you up I'm sure and put the car on the market whilst there. Perhaps drop the price a little to ensure equity though.
If your girlfriend is keen to work she will get a job I'm sure and then look at renting together.
Alternatively, sack it all off and go travelling and sod your family.
She defiantly will find somewhere to work near immediately although likely at a substantial pay cut so will need to find her feet (looking at c. 6 months) As of this morning a close friend has been fully briefed, and should the worst happen a sofa/spare room is available, luckily he has just bought his first house.
StevieBee said:
I have observed this type of situation on a number of occasions. On the assumption my earlier question about religious or cultural issues not being a factor, some further insight that may be of help....
It is not uncommon that the relationship between a mother and father evolves to the point where the only thing that bonds both is the presence of children in the home. As children grow older, the realisation that they will not be at home as much and that relationship with girlfriends/boyfriends begin to underpin the fact that the roll of the parents is fast diminishing can start to bring home the reality of the fragility of the relationship between the parents. This is then manifested in odd behaviour including much of what you have described.
This type of behaviour tends to occur with couples that had children very early on in their relationship.
Another factor that can compound this is that parents can become envious of the parents of the girl/boyfriend. Typical scenario: Parents 'A' are well off, nice car, home, cash in bank, etc.. but lack the emotional bond between each other. Girl/Boyfriend's family are working class, council house, a bit of debt yet blissfully happy with their lot. So whilst Parents 'B' might look longingly at the possessions of parents 'A', equally, Parents 'A' long for the sort of relationship that parents 'B' have and can't understand why they are happy having perceivably achieved less.
It's a complex issue to which there is usually no formulaic solution other than time.
Possibly there have been a number of serious family health scares in the past 2 years and we have no family outside of my parents, siblings and a lone grandparent on the other side of the world. They didn't have kids particularly early, in their early 30's (i'm the eldest).It is not uncommon that the relationship between a mother and father evolves to the point where the only thing that bonds both is the presence of children in the home. As children grow older, the realisation that they will not be at home as much and that relationship with girlfriends/boyfriends begin to underpin the fact that the roll of the parents is fast diminishing can start to bring home the reality of the fragility of the relationship between the parents. This is then manifested in odd behaviour including much of what you have described.
This type of behaviour tends to occur with couples that had children very early on in their relationship.
Another factor that can compound this is that parents can become envious of the parents of the girl/boyfriend. Typical scenario: Parents 'A' are well off, nice car, home, cash in bank, etc.. but lack the emotional bond between each other. Girl/Boyfriend's family are working class, council house, a bit of debt yet blissfully happy with their lot. So whilst Parents 'B' might look longingly at the possessions of parents 'A', equally, Parents 'A' long for the sort of relationship that parents 'B' have and can't understand why they are happy having perceivably achieved less.
It's a complex issue to which there is usually no formulaic solution other than time.
Possibly on the last point, our house is falling down literally and funds aren't there on their side to redevelop currently when linked with a 50/50 redundancy on my fathers part in 3 months time....
Otto said:
You have the worst 'can't do' attitude I have seen for a while. You are giving plenty of excuses why you can't move out / sell car / be with your girlfriend / stay at her place. You haven't even tried if you can't find somewhere for less than 500/month.
You are an adult in your 20's. You have a degree, and are starting a career in the city. Quite honestly, the whole world is about to open up to you as you earn money, meet new people, start your actual life. My honest view - you are scared to take the jump of actually starting your own life, which is quite natural. Take the hit on a little debt now to make this jump. Your lifestyle will change, yes - you will certainly not be living in as nice a place, but it is a necessary change.
P.s. be very sure that this is the girl you want to sever ties with your family for. If you truly see a future with her, then do it.
I did this thread as a mere reason to release a little bit of the stress/vent. I am now resigned to moving out (want to) but don't like the effect its going to have on my family, although they are causing me hell I am a decent person really, crying parents isn't great + guilt trips + putting themselves out to pay school fees is an awful lot to walk away from, that and funds to do so although from sums now it may be possible if i max out my overdraft this month and likely keep it there until the car sells....eventuallyYou are an adult in your 20's. You have a degree, and are starting a career in the city. Quite honestly, the whole world is about to open up to you as you earn money, meet new people, start your actual life. My honest view - you are scared to take the jump of actually starting your own life, which is quite natural. Take the hit on a little debt now to make this jump. Your lifestyle will change, yes - you will certainly not be living in as nice a place, but it is a necessary change.
P.s. be very sure that this is the girl you want to sever ties with your family for. If you truly see a future with her, then do it.
db10 said:
does your employer do loans? maybe you could borrow from them (or get a season ticket loan) or something like that?
no loans anymore unfortunately, season tickets loans are done though but i try to commute by bike 6 months a year which negates this, plus I don't want to be stuck with a ticket from somewhere i no longer live.Thanks for all the advice though, have been investigating rooms for let and will be going to one shortly, the last period of notice ends tomorrow evening so time will tell then...
As i've said before this original post was more of a vent to try and think things through from other sides, have decided that i am defiantly going to move out
As i've said before this original post was more of a vent to try and think things through from other sides, have decided that i am defiantly going to move out
Edited by PH Member on Wednesday 1st August 18:40
Regardless of age and contribution to expenditure, some parents still have a My house, Mr rules attitude.
Social standing has a lot to do with it too. Some put "what the neighbors might think"ahead of their childrens welfare.
They were the two main reasons I moved out quite young. My relationship with my family improved dramatically after..
Social standing has a lot to do with it too. Some put "what the neighbors might think"ahead of their childrens welfare.
They were the two main reasons I moved out quite young. My relationship with my family improved dramatically after..
Your parents are being aholes, however my guess is that from their point of view, they made sacrifices for your education in order that you would 'marry up', not 'down'.
It doesn't matter what your girlfriend does - short of acquiring a country estate and a title - it won't change their view of her.
Ghastly, horrible, narrow-minded people, but there are a lot of them out there.
holes, however my guess is that from their point of view, they made sacrifices for your education in order that you would 'marry up', not 'down'.It doesn't matter what your girlfriend does - short of acquiring a country estate and a title - it won't change their view of her.
Ghastly, horrible, narrow-minded people, but there are a lot of them out there.
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