Discussion
I want to thank you for posting OP. It must have been incredibly hard. You have come so very far and your strength of character shines out loud and clear.
Keep fighting the fight. And that includes making sure you help yourself as much as you can - parents need to secure their own oxygen supply if they want to help their children to survive.
Trauma centred therapies have come on in leaps and bounds in the last decade or so, which might be helpful both for yourself and your daughter.
I couldn’t say what will specifically help you, but there are quite a few options.
EMDR is available on the NHS, then there are therapies such as Havening, now being trialled in the uk with children, and sensorimotor therapy.
One great book is
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RE...
I wish you well.
Keep fighting the fight. And that includes making sure you help yourself as much as you can - parents need to secure their own oxygen supply if they want to help their children to survive.
Trauma centred therapies have come on in leaps and bounds in the last decade or so, which might be helpful both for yourself and your daughter.
I couldn’t say what will specifically help you, but there are quite a few options.
EMDR is available on the NHS, then there are therapies such as Havening, now being trialled in the uk with children, and sensorimotor therapy.
One great book is
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RE...
I wish you well.
karma2018 said:
Obviously the panic attacks and agoraphobia is the body releasing the stress but it's something I could really do without. But for so many years I have been on high alert with everything that has happened that I just can't relax.
YMMV but I have found these shaking exercise surprisingly effective. Especially for something which looks like a load of old bunkum https://www.amazon.co.uk/Trauma-Releasing-Exercise...
karma2018 said:
It has taken me 2 hours to post this and I am still feeling ashamed that I don't have control of things.
The ability to articulate your situation with the elegance you have suggests to me that you have a far greater level of control than you might imagine.Sadly, posts of this nature do occasionally crop up on this thread but rarely is the full picture as clear from the outset. The fact that you are able to pinpoint precisely the root causes of your situation from the off means that you are far closer to finding a resolution than you might otherwise be.
If it helps....
A good friend of mine was abused in his early teens - one of several lads also abused by a music teacher who was subsequently prosecuted. I only became friends with him when he was 18 and knew nothing of what had happened until he was in his mid 20s. He's from an 'armed services' family (Navy, Army, Police) and the sort of family that suppresses discussion of an emotional nature. As a result, he had no means to vent his feelings and left the experience bubbling away in a box. This box was opened when we saw the bloke who'd abused him, having been released from prison, walking through the high street near to where he lived at time.
My friend then spent the best part of 10 years on what he now somewhat flippantly refers to as a mental sabbatical. This culminated in him attempting to take his own life - a very real attempt I might add - but thankfully was unsuccessful.
He's now 49 and a perfectly well and properly functioning human being with a lovely family. I've never really talked openly or directly about what happened with him apart from the process of resolution. Two things happened that turned the tide:
The first is that he started playing the trumpet again. This was the instrument that he was being taught by the bloke who abused him so for years, he associated the trumpet with the abuse. When he picked it up again, it was a case of 'f
k you - you're not taking this from me'. He now plays in a big band, thoroughly enjoys it and is bloody good.And the second, realising that he was not going to get any meaningful emotional support from his family and not wanting to burden friends (although I also think there was a certain amount of embarrassment playing a part on this), he did seek support via various groups and for a while, he ended up leading one of those groups. This was hugely cathartic for him.
I do hope you find your own trumpet. It is out there!
Good luck.
oldbanger said:
I want to thank you for posting OP. It must have been incredibly hard. You have come so very far and your strength of character shines out loud and clear.
Keep fighting the fight. And that includes making sure you help yourself as much as you can - parents need to secure their own oxygen supply if they want to help their children to survive.
Trauma centred therapies have come on in leaps and bounds in the last decade or so, which might be helpful both for yourself and your daughter.
I couldn’t say what will specifically help you, but there are quite a few options.
EMDR is available on the NHS, then there are therapies such as Havening, now being trialled in the uk with children, and sensorimotor therapy.
One great book is
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RE...
I wish you well.
Thank you Keep fighting the fight. And that includes making sure you help yourself as much as you can - parents need to secure their own oxygen supply if they want to help their children to survive.
Trauma centred therapies have come on in leaps and bounds in the last decade or so, which might be helpful both for yourself and your daughter.
I couldn’t say what will specifically help you, but there are quite a few options.
EMDR is available on the NHS, then there are therapies such as Havening, now being trialled in the uk with children, and sensorimotor therapy.
One great book is
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RE...
I wish you well.
I have been to so many different experts over a long period of time. The main issue about receiving help for me was that I could not fully remember what had happened to me. They were treating me for anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia but the root cause was not established. It was not until my sister disclosed what had been going on that the memories for me started to come back. Even now everything while very young is a bit of a blur.
My father slipped up with my sister when she was around 8 years old. He was drunk and came up the stairs. We had our own bedrooms at this stage so were separated. He tried the same thing again but my mother came up the stair so he quickly stopped and stated he was just saying night. Will not say what he was actually doing. I think him changing his actions when our mother came up the stair was proof to my sister that this was in fact wrong.
She only disclosed this much later on when the investigations were taking place but this was the moment for her.
There was another time when my so called Uncle (his brother) was staying with us in the family home. He had his GF/wife to be staying with us but they were waiting to get married and buy a house. He walked in on my father with us. Nothing was said but my father left the room. I don't again remember everything but I vividly remember him standing at the doorway.
This is the one who gave my father an alibi.
It sounds crazy now that we thought this was normal but I think we were just conditioned. He had a way of controlling everyone. My mothers life with him was not exactly a bed of roses. Very controlling. You would not believe the things he and his family did to her but that's another story.
Thank you for mentioning EDMR and Havening. I will look into both.
oldbanger said:
YMMV but I have found these shaking exercise surprisingly effective. Especially for something which looks like a load of old bunkum
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Trauma-Releasing-Exercise...
Thank you again.https://www.amazon.co.uk/Trauma-Releasing-Exercise...
That book looks very good. Will give it a try.
Big_Dog said:
You have had some evil experiences but despite all you have achieved a great deal.
Keep going forward even a bit forward is still forward.
Have you tried EMDR works well with PTSD?
Thank you. Going to look into EMDR.Keep going forward even a bit forward is still forward.
Have you tried EMDR works well with PTSD?
I have had CBT and many other forms of therapy but I don't think I have had EMDR.
Thank you again
StevieBee said:
The ability to articulate your situation with the elegance you have suggests to me that you have a far greater level of control than you might imagine.
Sadly, posts of this nature do occasionally crop up on this thread but rarely is the full picture as clear from the outset. The fact that you are able to pinpoint precisely the root causes of your situation from the off means that you are far closer to finding a resolution than you might otherwise be.
If it helps....
A good friend of mine was abused in his early teens - one of several lads also abused by a music teacher who was subsequently prosecuted. I only became friends with him when he was 18 and knew nothing of what had happened until he was in his mid 20s. He's from an 'armed services' family (Navy, Army, Police) and the sort of family that suppresses discussion of an emotional nature. As a result, he had no means to vent his feelings and left the experience bubbling away in a box. This box was opened when we saw the bloke who'd abused him, having been released from prison, walking through the high street near to where he lived at time.
My friend then spent the best part of 10 years on what he now somewhat flippantly refers to as a mental sabbatical. This culminated in him attempting to take his own life - a very real attempt I might add - but thankfully was unsuccessful.
He's now 49 and a perfectly well and properly functioning human being with a lovely family. I've never really talked openly or directly about what happened with him apart from the process of resolution. Two things happened that turned the tide:
The first is that he started playing the trumpet again. This was the instrument that he was being taught by the bloke who abused him so for years, he associated the trumpet with the abuse. When he picked it up again, it was a case of 'fk you - you're not taking this from me'. He now plays in a big band, thoroughly enjoys it and is bloody good.
And the second, realising that he was not going to get any meaningful emotional support from his family and not wanting to burden friends (although I also think there was a certain amount of embarrassment playing a part on this), he did seek support via various groups and for a while, he ended up leading one of those groups. This was hugely cathartic for him.
I do hope you find your own trumpet. It is out there!
Good luck.
Thank you for your post Sadly, posts of this nature do occasionally crop up on this thread but rarely is the full picture as clear from the outset. The fact that you are able to pinpoint precisely the root causes of your situation from the off means that you are far closer to finding a resolution than you might otherwise be.
If it helps....
A good friend of mine was abused in his early teens - one of several lads also abused by a music teacher who was subsequently prosecuted. I only became friends with him when he was 18 and knew nothing of what had happened until he was in his mid 20s. He's from an 'armed services' family (Navy, Army, Police) and the sort of family that suppresses discussion of an emotional nature. As a result, he had no means to vent his feelings and left the experience bubbling away in a box. This box was opened when we saw the bloke who'd abused him, having been released from prison, walking through the high street near to where he lived at time.
My friend then spent the best part of 10 years on what he now somewhat flippantly refers to as a mental sabbatical. This culminated in him attempting to take his own life - a very real attempt I might add - but thankfully was unsuccessful.
He's now 49 and a perfectly well and properly functioning human being with a lovely family. I've never really talked openly or directly about what happened with him apart from the process of resolution. Two things happened that turned the tide:
The first is that he started playing the trumpet again. This was the instrument that he was being taught by the bloke who abused him so for years, he associated the trumpet with the abuse. When he picked it up again, it was a case of 'f
k you - you're not taking this from me'. He now plays in a big band, thoroughly enjoys it and is bloody good.And the second, realising that he was not going to get any meaningful emotional support from his family and not wanting to burden friends (although I also think there was a certain amount of embarrassment playing a part on this), he did seek support via various groups and for a while, he ended up leading one of those groups. This was hugely cathartic for him.
I do hope you find your own trumpet. It is out there!
Good luck.
Yes finally having the root cause has made things easier but strange in another way. Basically until my sister disclosed things I was in the dark. I thought I was just someone who should be locked up in a ward and forgotten about. I just felt different to everyone else and not normal.
So many therapy sessions were useless as they just couldn't get the the issue.
I remember I had kidney stones and then some other issues so went to see a specialist. As long as I can remember I always had a sore bottom. I became obsessed about being clean and using cream daily. Spoke to a doctor about it and was put to see a specialist. He did the rectal examination and as soon as he went near me I went from a lying down positing to standing up in one movement.
He sat me down and said I was not to worry about that as he will just let it go. Asked if I was ok and if I wanted to speak about anything. I think by my reaction he knew but could not exactly state.
My doctor received the results, which obviously for the bottom issues were fine, asked if anything had happened in my childhood. Even then it still didn't click.
In 2010 when it was disclosed I was just numb. I had the answer I had been wait for and the memories started to come back. Sounds crazy but the my mothers side of the family were saying that this is not normal etc. Having the answer helped so much but it also made my life seem worthless as I had been living a lie.
Think this is why the panic attacks and agoraphobia is still present. It's so normal to me like the abuse was that I would actually need training into a different way of life.
Thankfully your friend was unsuccessful in his attempt to take his own life. It's very sad that we are driven by other people sick actions to feel like the only way of stopping the mind and feeling is to end it all. I fully understand why someone would do this to get away. What angers me is when people state someone who does this is a coward. I think it's something that no one should ever have to feel but it is not a coward who takes their own lives.
To see his abuser in the street released must have been hell. Clearly that set him back which would only be natural. The temptation to do something must have been huge even if he is not a violent man
His family sounds very much like my fathers. Not at all connected with any of the armed services but just regimental. My fathers family were a strange bunch and i am sure they knew exactly what he was like.
Must have taken a lot of strength to start playing the trumpet after what he went through. That connection with the instrument would have been very negative but he has made that into a positive now. You can only admire him for that. It takes inner strength.
I am also delighted to hear that he has a family. It can be very hard to open up to anyone in a loving manor. Well I find this difficult. But it is a stable situation for him which is a blessing
Yes there is an element of shame and that is why we normally keep things from others. I remember being drunk once and confided in a close friend who then distanced himself from me. This made opening up even harder. Even when going through the things with my daughter a cousin stated that we were not to speak about anything like that in front of her kids. We never would have but I found this unbelievable that she would think this way. Perhaps if she was more open with her children and told them about these things it might protect them in a future situation.
Anyway that was her choice.
It is good to hear a positive story and the journey your friend has had.
Thank you.
Edited by karma2018 on Wednesday 22 August 14:02
FocusRS3 said:
You're an amazing man well done for posting
Thank you..The only part of me that is amazing is my daughter. I would never have thought she would be in my care and have a safe opportunity at life going forward.
This is something that helps me at least find peace watching her blossom
However it burns my soul to this day that I had to put her back knowing what was going on and could do nothing.
She use to plead with me not to put her back. Twice Sheriff officers came and took her away as I would/could not do it. This obviously made matters worse and they restricted access.
Just hard to grasp at times what went on.
Thank you again.
Edited by karma2018 on Wednesday 22 August 14:29
karma2018 said:
Thank you..
The only part of me that is amazing is my daughter. I would never have thought she would be in my care and have a safe opportunity at life going forward.
This is something that helps me at least find peace watching her blossom
However it burns my soul to this day that I had to put her back knowing what was going on and could do nothing.
She use to plead with me not to put her back. Twice Sheriff officers came and took her away as I would/could not do it. This obviously made matters worse and they restricted access.
Just hard to grasp at times what went on.
Thank you again.
I'm sure the vast majority of us on here cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through and what you've had to go through with your Daughter. The only part of me that is amazing is my daughter. I would never have thought she would be in my care and have a safe opportunity at life going forward.
This is something that helps me at least find peace watching her blossom
However it burns my soul to this day that I had to put her back knowing what was going on and could do nothing.
She use to plead with me not to put her back. Twice Sheriff officers came and took her away as I would/could not do it. This obviously made matters worse and they restricted access.
Just hard to grasp at times what went on.
Thank you again.
Edited by karma2018 on Wednesday 22 August 14:29
Remember these were all things out of your control so what happens going forward from those dreadful happenings is where its all at now.
Enjoy time with your Princess and all the best
Just occasionally you can read something that is so dark, so evil, so alien to your own experience..... I've just read it.
How could a parent do this to a child?
OP you have my admiration for having been on the most appalling journey of utter loneliness - and you've emerged.
I can't offer any advice as I can barely even comprehend what you've been through.
How could a parent do this to a child?
OP you have my admiration for having been on the most appalling journey of utter loneliness - and you've emerged.
I can't offer any advice as I can barely even comprehend what you've been through.
FocusRS3 said:
I'm sure the vast majority of us on here cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through and what you've had to go through with your Daughter.
Remember these were all things out of your control so what happens going forward from those dreadful happenings is where its all at now.
Enjoy time with your Princess and all the best
Thank you mate. Remember these were all things out of your control so what happens going forward from those dreadful happenings is where its all at now.
Enjoy time with your Princess and all the best
geeks said:
I don't know what to add to this that either has not been said or doesn't need saying but just wanted to add my support for you OP!
Your daughter clearly inspires you and that can only be a positive thing. If you ever want to chat I'll add my name to the endless PM list, anytime!
Thank you. Really appreciate your offer to PM. Your daughter clearly inspires you and that can only be a positive thing. If you ever want to chat I'll add my name to the endless PM list, anytime!
NDA said:
Just occasionally you can read something that is so dark, so evil, so alien to your own experience..... I've just read it.
How could a parent do this to a child?
OP you have my admiration for having been on the most appalling journey of utter loneliness - and you've emerged.
I can't offer any advice as I can barely even comprehend what you've been through.
What he said.How could a parent do this to a child?
OP you have my admiration for having been on the most appalling journey of utter loneliness - and you've emerged.
I can't offer any advice as I can barely even comprehend what you've been through.
If you are ever near the New Forest and want a pint then let us know.
xyz123 said:
Well done OP for having strength to share this, it can't have been easy. I truly hope your life takes a positive turn soon.. I am By no means qualified to provide advice but have you tried meditation to see if it can help...
Meditation is something I would like to try again.Now things have calmed down a bit I will make sure I try and practice this on a daily basis.
Think that is the key to these types of self help is repetition which you can get a bit slack on.
Thank you
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