Sex after having kids
Discussion
King David said:
The way you’ve written does sound a bit like come designated “sex time” you’re upstairs, naked waiting for her to sit on you.
Have you considered that instead of agreeing to sex once a week you should be making the effort for ‘intimacy’ once a week.
Instead of lying awake for hours feeling frustrated, why don’t you offer her a massage on nights she’s not in the mood. Or offer to run her a bath and light a few candles.
If she starts to think you value that time because it’s a chance to reconnect with her (rather than get your end away) you might find the spark returns naturally.
I’m speaking from the experience of 3 kids - the youngest two being nearly three. So I know what you’re going through. It is worth the effort though.
Thanks David, I always say to her why don't you get a bath even during the day on a weekend so no sexual expectation going on but she doesn't take me up on it. How you coped since the birth of your youngest I'm presuming twins? Not asking for all the details just in general? Have you considered that instead of agreeing to sex once a week you should be making the effort for ‘intimacy’ once a week.
Instead of lying awake for hours feeling frustrated, why don’t you offer her a massage on nights she’s not in the mood. Or offer to run her a bath and light a few candles.
If she starts to think you value that time because it’s a chance to reconnect with her (rather than get your end away) you might find the spark returns naturally.
I’m speaking from the experience of 3 kids - the youngest two being nearly three. So I know what you’re going through. It is worth the effort though.
Joey Deacon said:
Difficult one to answer as everyone is different. I once worked with a woman who had been married to her husband for over 10 years and he still expected sex once a day which she was not happy about.
I have dated a woman who early on told me she liked sex twice a day, When she saw the look on my face she replied "Once a day?". Even in the early days honeymoon period once a day would be too much for me.
I don't have children who live with me and I would say once or twice a week is fine. I think most men who are in relationships where they are still having sex don't think about it much, it seems to be the men who are in sexless relationships who think about it all the time.
"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any". - John Callahan
Think I read the saying on here that sex is 90% of a bad relationship and 10% of a good one. If it could have sex whenever I wanted it I say 3/4 times a week but i dont expect that. The funny thing is if we could have it on whatever day I wanted once a week I wouldn't crave it as much. It doesn't help we agree a day we are having sex then it's delayed a few days after that. its a huge stress relief for me and makes up for other parts of my life I don't like doing or enjoy. I've been in relationships before where the sex slowed down after a while and I just didn't enjoy been in the relationship anymore. I have dated a woman who early on told me she liked sex twice a day, When she saw the look on my face she replied "Once a day?". Even in the early days honeymoon period once a day would be too much for me.
I don't have children who live with me and I would say once or twice a week is fine. I think most men who are in relationships where they are still having sex don't think about it much, it seems to be the men who are in sexless relationships who think about it all the time.
"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any". - John Callahan
But this never happened with me and my current partner before we decided to have kids. We never argued about anything which is probably why I saw her as a stable partner and wanted kids with her in the first place.
It's not even about the physical act its more the emotional side of it, been rejected from someone you loves feels awful and makes you question everything about your future together.
I felt much closer too her at the time we got engaged than now.
dai1983 said:
I work away sometimes but usually once a day when see each other so about 3 to 4 times a week. When we go away just us and no kids maybe two to three times a day over a weekend. I like longer sessions verses quickies though so would rather it once a day over more quickies.
Currently a week into my circumcision and can't wait to get back at it but am mega excited to be living with her for the next few weeks again even knowing I can't do anything but we will be intimate in other ways. Kisses and cuddles are out of this world for one.
I had a marriage where I'd get laid twice in a few days every two years. It carried on like this for 8 years until I had enough and left. Granted I probably wasnt fun to be around a lot of the time towards the end but I spent a lot of time unhappy hoping things would change.
This gave me issues as I stress about if I should try it on or not and if it's a no how will I feel and worry about no's getting more regular. She's also told me she stresses about saying no but normally we discuss it and I know it's usually a 'yes' unless either of us have a had a rubbish day. Also she comes to me half the time.
I have learned from previous mistakes and now find it easy to make my gf sexy and appreciated in other ways and her same with me. Sometimes do wonder wtf she's doing with me as she's awesome.
How was it after you had kids?Currently a week into my circumcision and can't wait to get back at it but am mega excited to be living with her for the next few weeks again even knowing I can't do anything but we will be intimate in other ways. Kisses and cuddles are out of this world for one.
I had a marriage where I'd get laid twice in a few days every two years. It carried on like this for 8 years until I had enough and left. Granted I probably wasnt fun to be around a lot of the time towards the end but I spent a lot of time unhappy hoping things would change.
This gave me issues as I stress about if I should try it on or not and if it's a no how will I feel and worry about no's getting more regular. She's also told me she stresses about saying no but normally we discuss it and I know it's usually a 'yes' unless either of us have a had a rubbish day. Also she comes to me half the time.
I have learned from previous mistakes and now find it easy to make my gf sexy and appreciated in other ways and her same with me. Sometimes do wonder wtf she's doing with me as she's awesome.
I don't try it on anymore because it's pointless, we've been through the why do we have to have to plan it conversation and I said because we would never have it! We aren't intimate in other ways either and if we do it's always me initiating even just a quick kiss or cuddle
dai1983 said:
Was quite busy pre pregnancy then she was quite bad with morning sickness, then c section and it never recovered ever unless for the two times she jumped on me every 2 years. For 4 years I was probably understanding and trying plus we had counselling it didn't changed. We drifted along like housemates for a while till I got fed up of living like that. Worst was when everyone was reading 50 shades including my ex and I hadn't had it for 18 months
I flicked through my girlfriend's brother in law's pregnancy dad book a few months ago. In there its mentioned you have to keep the small intimacy bits going to keep her feel sexy. It suggested small things like snogging her in the kitchen, in the shower or as you leave for work just because and just walking off, massage and gentle touching her non erogenous zones when you just hug etc. it's stuff I've subconsciously done with my gf since we got together and it's helped to keep things going. I appreciate that once it's gone it's hard to do that stuff without coming over as a pest.
Try just randomly
Yep she wanted to lose some weight after been pregnant (not that she's needs too) so I bought a peloton exercise bike for her and she's on that a few nights a week for the past few months. I read exercise can help your mental state so encouraged her, The only thing is it eats into our us time once the kids are in bed so we actually spend less time together just watching a program together. But its annoying when she's apparently too tired to for sex but happy enough to do a peloton class before bed. I flicked through my girlfriend's brother in law's pregnancy dad book a few months ago. In there its mentioned you have to keep the small intimacy bits going to keep her feel sexy. It suggested small things like snogging her in the kitchen, in the shower or as you leave for work just because and just walking off, massage and gentle touching her non erogenous zones when you just hug etc. it's stuff I've subconsciously done with my gf since we got together and it's helped to keep things going. I appreciate that once it's gone it's hard to do that stuff without coming over as a pest.
Try just randomly
I always cuddle her in bed and convinced her to go back to just wearing a tshirt and underwear in bed rather than full pyjamas so we have some skin to skin contact. She doesn't see it as a sex thing because it's not the planned night we have sex!
It's strange because after we have sex she get the after sex endorphins and we talk more after that any other time. I'm also conscious she's has only had her period back since September so her hormones are probably still getting back too normal pre pregnancy levels. Sorry if too much info!
Hi All thanks for everyone's comments, don't think it's a attraction thing she still goes on about planning a wedding and a honeymoon.
Don't know if I've posted this or not but I bought the peloton because I thought her losing weight would make her feel better about herself. She's mentioned before about her body after having kids etc. I also have encouraged her to start running outdoors which she does frequently just to give her some free headspace.
When we have sex planned I can tell the way it will go as soon as we get to bed, sometimes she's on her phone on facebook for a hour in bed which is really frustrating for me when ive been waiting days. It always gets knocked back a few days from when we are supposed to have it.
I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
I just feel like I'm constantly compromising and getting nowhere, woke up in a mood about it this morning. Don't know whether too be angry or sad about it.
Don't know if I've posted this or not but I bought the peloton because I thought her losing weight would make her feel better about herself. She's mentioned before about her body after having kids etc. I also have encouraged her to start running outdoors which she does frequently just to give her some free headspace.
When we have sex planned I can tell the way it will go as soon as we get to bed, sometimes she's on her phone on facebook for a hour in bed which is really frustrating for me when ive been waiting days. It always gets knocked back a few days from when we are supposed to have it.
I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
I just feel like I'm constantly compromising and getting nowhere, woke up in a mood about it this morning. Don't know whether too be angry or sad about it.
Joey Deacon said:
CraigNewmarket said:
Hi All thanks for everyone's comments, don't think it's a attraction thing she still goes on about planning a wedding and a honeymoon.
Her wanting to get married has nothing to do with attraction, she has an idea of a lifestyle she wants in her mind and she wants her princess day. The issue for you is that once you are married it is even less likely you two will have sex.I'm not sure she wants a princess wedding were only talking a out a small one with close family only.
CraigNewmarket said:
When we have sex planned I can tell the way it will go as soon as we get to bed, sometimes she's on her phone on facebook for a hour in bed which is really frustrating for me when ive been waiting days. It always gets knocked back a few days from when we are supposed to have it.
I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
I just feel like I'm constantly compromising and getting nowhere, woke up in a mood about it this morning. Don't know whether too be angry or sad about it.
Because the reality is she doesn't actually want to have sex with you and is making excuses and using delay tactics to get out if it. She will agree to shut you up for a bit, and as you say you can tell straight away that she making excuses and delaying so it doesn't happen. A lot of married men know these tactics until the have been knocked back so many times they just accept it and don't bother trying anymore.I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
I just feel like I'm constantly compromising and getting nowhere, woke up in a mood about it this morning. Don't know whether too be angry or sad about it.
Personally I think the fact you are basically having to arrange with her to have sex is not a healthy sign either, and as I say it is only going to get worse if you marry her.
I wouldn't marry her as it stands today, I just feel lied too and feel like she doesn't care and doesn't make the effort.
BoRED S2upid said:
Planning sex? It it in the dairy? Spontaneous is better than planning it IMO especially as I imagine in your case it’s always you doing the planning.
At the minute it's planned or go without we've tried the lets be spontaneous and it never happens. If it's planned then there's no expectation when we go to bedMonkeylegend said:
Nearly four months since you first posted and nothing has changed, does this not tell you something?
You are fixated on sex but also seem very immature in your attitude and you clearly have no understanding of women or how relationships work and evolve.
Sex should not be a transaction in a healthy relationship and the way you are dealing with this will come back to bite you sooner rather than later.
It is also embarrassing and demeaning to both her and you that you continue to speak so publically so often about it to randoms on the internet.
Just my viewpoint which I don't expect many will agree with
So I should just expect nothing? Put all the work and effort in and be rejected for the one thing I can't get anywhere else. Just plod along and be unhappy until I don't even want sex anymore. You are fixated on sex but also seem very immature in your attitude and you clearly have no understanding of women or how relationships work and evolve.
Sex should not be a transaction in a healthy relationship and the way you are dealing with this will come back to bite you sooner rather than later.
It is also embarrassing and demeaning to both her and you that you continue to speak so publically so often about it to randoms on the internet.
Just my viewpoint which I don't expect many will agree with
Edited by CraigNewmarket on Tuesday 12th December 11:26
King David said:
Or, just possibly, it means that the experience of childbirth has changed then fundamentally. Nothing nefarious or manipulative, just a simple, innocent change.
If someone’s husband had an illness of the nether regions that resulted in 9 months of hormonal imbalance and then major trauma/surgery down there, it’s perfectly possible that he’d struggle to get it up for a long time after that.
Does that mean he never really loved his wife or should be forced to confront the fact that he’s ’failing her’ once a week?
I really think that the OP needs to understand that recovery from childbirth (physically, hormonally, mentally) is a long term process - measured in months and years.
Now is the time he should be laying a foundation for their future happiness. If he continues to force the issue then he is likely to make himself unattractive in her eyes and things will never improve.
I’m not saying there is anything wrong in wanting to have sex with your partner or bringing this desire up in conversation. I just think that right now is a time for empathy.
If in 2-3 years time you’re still having the same issues then it might be time to think about the counselling and consider if perhaps you’re no longer compatible as a couple.
It just makes me feel probably wrongly if she isn't putting effort in why should I. If we were dating we would have broken up by now. If my partner felt the same way I do now and I could fix it I would. If someone’s husband had an illness of the nether regions that resulted in 9 months of hormonal imbalance and then major trauma/surgery down there, it’s perfectly possible that he’d struggle to get it up for a long time after that.
Does that mean he never really loved his wife or should be forced to confront the fact that he’s ’failing her’ once a week?
I really think that the OP needs to understand that recovery from childbirth (physically, hormonally, mentally) is a long term process - measured in months and years.
Now is the time he should be laying a foundation for their future happiness. If he continues to force the issue then he is likely to make himself unattractive in her eyes and things will never improve.
I’m not saying there is anything wrong in wanting to have sex with your partner or bringing this desire up in conversation. I just think that right now is a time for empathy.
If in 2-3 years time you’re still having the same issues then it might be time to think about the counselling and consider if perhaps you’re no longer compatible as a couple.
She never asks how I am or how I'm feeling.
Any attempts to be flirty or cheeky just gets knocked back or ignored. It wouldn't bother me as much if she said something like I know it crap now but it won't be forever but I get nothing. Just feel like I'm not getting any younger and life's just passing me by and I'm spending it been unhappy and the only option is to cling on and hope things improve.
Muzzer79 said:
I still find it mystifying that your sole foundation of being happy is whether you're having regular sex or not.
Sure, it's a very important thing but if you can't survive without it for a while, that suggests a problem.
If she asked you how you were or how you're feeling, what would you say?
I bet a tenner you'd say
"Fine, but I want to have sex more"
You think she doesn't know that? You think she doesn't probably feel guilty about it?
Yet your attitude seems to be that she should therefore sacrifice herself and satisfy your needs to demonstrate her affection and keep you happy.
If it bothers you that much, leave her - find someone else. When your kid is 18 and asks why you left him as an infant, explain that it's because his Mum couldn't satisfy your sex drive and then see how you feel.
It's not about the physical act its about the connection and not feeling rejected and alone by the very person who is supposed be the one person I can rely for anything. Sure, it's a very important thing but if you can't survive without it for a while, that suggests a problem.
If she asked you how you were or how you're feeling, what would you say?
I bet a tenner you'd say
"Fine, but I want to have sex more"
You think she doesn't know that? You think she doesn't probably feel guilty about it?
Yet your attitude seems to be that she should therefore sacrifice herself and satisfy your needs to demonstrate her affection and keep you happy.
If it bothers you that much, leave her - find someone else. When your kid is 18 and asks why you left him as an infant, explain that it's because his Mum couldn't satisfy your sex drive and then see how you feel.
The happiest part of my life has been with her which is why I got engaged to her. Now it feels a million miles away from that day.
CraigNewmarket said:
Muzzer79 said:
I still find it mystifying that your sole foundation of being happy is whether you're having regular sex or not.
Sure, it's a very important thing but if you can't survive without it for a while, that suggests a problem.
If she asked you how you were or how you're feeling, what would you say?
I bet a tenner you'd say
"Fine, but I want to have sex more"
You think she doesn't know that? You think she doesn't probably feel guilty about it?
Yet your attitude seems to be that she should therefore sacrifice herself and satisfy your needs to demonstrate her affection and keep you happy.
If it bothers you that much, leave her - find someone else. When your kid is 18 and asks why you left him as an infant, explain that it's because his Mum couldn't satisfy your sex drive and then see how you feel.
It's not about the physical act its about the connection and not feeling rejected and alone by the very person who is supposed be the one person I can rely on for anything. Sure, it's a very important thing but if you can't survive without it for a while, that suggests a problem.
If she asked you how you were or how you're feeling, what would you say?
I bet a tenner you'd say
"Fine, but I want to have sex more"
You think she doesn't know that? You think she doesn't probably feel guilty about it?
Yet your attitude seems to be that she should therefore sacrifice herself and satisfy your needs to demonstrate her affection and keep you happy.
If it bothers you that much, leave her - find someone else. When your kid is 18 and asks why you left him as an infant, explain that it's because his Mum couldn't satisfy your sex drive and then see how you feel.
The happiest part of my life has been with her which is why I got engaged to her. Now it feels a million miles away from that day.
It's not that she can't satisfy my sex drive, it feels like she can't be bothered and doesn't care. She could if she wanted too.
Juat a update, everything is much the same.
She still says she just doesn't feel like it and thinks I want sex just for physical reasons rather than keeping a connection between us both.
We do it about once a month but never when we actually plan too.
Feels like I'm not getting enough out of the relationship compared to what i put in and if she even cares.
She the type of person that would do anything for anyone which makes me feel even more worthless.
I just don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to spoil him tonight or make him happy or put some effort in.
I just think to myself what if I decided I don't want do things in the relationship with her that I don't want to do anymore and just say i cant be botherd.
Or do things that I want to do but dont becauase of her like going to the pub when I want.
It's a shame cause when I got engaged i would have married her the next day but now I wouldn't and even if we have regular sex again it would take a long time before I believed things wouldn't change back.
I could change her life and give her so much but starting to feel like a mug all because she can't be bothered for 30 mins of us time once a week.
She still says she just doesn't feel like it and thinks I want sex just for physical reasons rather than keeping a connection between us both.
We do it about once a month but never when we actually plan too.
Feels like I'm not getting enough out of the relationship compared to what i put in and if she even cares.
She the type of person that would do anything for anyone which makes me feel even more worthless.
I just don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to spoil him tonight or make him happy or put some effort in.
I just think to myself what if I decided I don't want do things in the relationship with her that I don't want to do anymore and just say i cant be botherd.
Or do things that I want to do but dont becauase of her like going to the pub when I want.
It's a shame cause when I got engaged i would have married her the next day but now I wouldn't and even if we have regular sex again it would take a long time before I believed things wouldn't change back.
I could change her life and give her so much but starting to feel like a mug all because she can't be bothered for 30 mins of us time once a week.
Edited by CraigNewmarket on Sunday 28th April 11:20
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff