Discussion
A very loud, fat, greasy, unattractive, chav type woman wearing a
Newcastle United top walked into ASDA in Sunderland with her two
umpalumpa kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning Madam, and welcome to
ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'
The ugly fat woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Whye na,
they're not twins yer tw@t. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the ell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick, stupid
or just a cheese eater?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,' replied the greeter, 'I just
couldn't believe you've been shagged twice'.
'Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA'.
Newcastle United top walked into ASDA in Sunderland with her two
umpalumpa kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning Madam, and welcome to
ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'
The ugly fat woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Whye na,
they're not twins yer tw@t. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the ell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick, stupid
or just a cheese eater?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,' replied the greeter, 'I just
couldn't believe you've been shagged twice'.
'Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA'.
A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself. 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for.'
Hoping to find out, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan. 'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he thought to himself. 'Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.
He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said 'Smooth as silk?'
This time, the woman turned on him and said, 'What the f**k do you want?'
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and said. 'Ahhhhh, Ryanair!'
He thought to himself. 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for.'
Hoping to find out, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan. 'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he thought to himself. 'Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.
He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said 'Smooth as silk?'
This time, the woman turned on him and said, 'What the f**k do you want?'
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and said. 'Ahhhhh, Ryanair!'
Paddy and his two friends, Pete and Alistar, are talking in a pub.
Pete says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.”
“What makes you think that?” asks Paddy.
“Well the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
Alistar then says: “Same with me! I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”
“The other day I found a wrench under the bed and that wasn’t mine.”
“That’s all three of us then,” says Paddy: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Pete and Alistar look at him with utter disbelief.......
“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
Pete says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.”
“What makes you think that?” asks Paddy.
“Well the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
Alistar then says: “Same with me! I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”
“The other day I found a wrench under the bed and that wasn’t mine.”
“That’s all three of us then,” says Paddy: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Pete and Alistar look at him with utter disbelief.......
“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said................
' Burrr-Gurrr-King'
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said................
' Burrr-Gurrr-King'
> Sister Senga and Sister Helen, are travelling from Scotland through
> Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
> traffic light.
>
> Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of
> the car and hisses through the windshield.
>
> "Aw naw!" shouts Sister Senga. "Whit are we gonnae dae?"
>
> "Turn the windae wipers oan. That will get rid of the abomination" says
> Sister Helen.
>
> Sister Senga switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
> and continues hissing at the nuns.
>
> "Whit ahm a' gonnae dae noo?" she shouts.
>
> "Switch on the windae washirs. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
> Vatican !" says Sister Helen.
>
> Sister Senga turns on the windae washirs. Dracula screams as the water
> burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
>
> "It did'nae wurk, whit'll a dae?" shouts Sister Senga.
>
> "Show him your cross!" says Sister Helen.
>
> "Aye, that's whit tae dae." says Sister Senga. She opens the window and
> shouts.......
>
> "Get tae f-ck aff the f-ckin' car ya wee vampire b*stard!!!!"
> Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
> traffic light.
>
> Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of
> the car and hisses through the windshield.
>
> "Aw naw!" shouts Sister Senga. "Whit are we gonnae dae?"
>
> "Turn the windae wipers oan. That will get rid of the abomination" says
> Sister Helen.
>
> Sister Senga switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
> and continues hissing at the nuns.
>
> "Whit ahm a' gonnae dae noo?" she shouts.
>
> "Switch on the windae washirs. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
> Vatican !" says Sister Helen.
>
> Sister Senga turns on the windae washirs. Dracula screams as the water
> burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
>
> "It did'nae wurk, whit'll a dae?" shouts Sister Senga.
>
> "Show him your cross!" says Sister Helen.
>
> "Aye, that's whit tae dae." says Sister Senga. She opens the window and
> shouts.......
>
> "Get tae f-ck aff the f-ckin' car ya wee vampire b*stard!!!!"
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.
The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fekkin' towel!
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.
The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fekkin' towel!
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, ‘I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, ‘I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'
A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
' Liverpool , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Liverpool ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool .'
'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
' Liverpool , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Liverpool ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool .'
'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo
A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Texas, while awaiting their respective flights.
One is a native American Indian; another is a cowboy on his way to a livestock auction. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Texas from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, they learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.
To break the silence, the Indian clears his throat and softly speaks: "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward: "Once my people were few, he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl.........
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet . . . but I do believe it's a-comin'.."
One is a native American Indian; another is a cowboy on his way to a livestock auction. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Texas from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, they learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.
To break the silence, the Indian clears his throat and softly speaks: "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward: "Once my people were few, he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl.........
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet . . . but I do believe it's a-comin'.."
Sorry Mel 
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
RedWings said:
Red Wings
lol - I like your User name
LMAO You seen these guys? Great T'shirts
www.brownwingsclothing.co.uk/Default.aspx
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning....What part of 'broke' don't you understand?'
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning....What part of 'broke' don't you understand?'
A blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,’ St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first question is,' said St Peter, 'which two days of the week start with the
letter 'T'? The second is How many seconds are there in a year? The third is
What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I
call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought.
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had
considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of
February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve
seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his
head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer
to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the
name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating
the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning
to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy
boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first question is,' said St Peter, 'which two days of the week start with the
letter 'T'? The second is How many seconds are there in a year? The third is
What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I
call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought.
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had
considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of
February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve
seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his
head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer
to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the
name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating
the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning
to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy
boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...
A guy goes into the confessional box.
He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to Confession,
But I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies..............
"Get out. You're on my side."
He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to Confession,
But I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies..............
"Get out. You're on my side."
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