Loss of confidence - lessons?

Loss of confidence - lessons?

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Discussion

silentbrown

Original Poster:

6,703 posts

83 months

Saturday 12th June
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Not really 'advanced' but hopefully I'd get some good answers here: My OH is suffering badly from a loss of confidence when driving. It's been exacerbated by COVID and less time behind the wheel, also having to do more city driving than she's been used to.

My feeling is a few lessons from a good instructor could help - ideally someone who's dealt with this kind of issue before. Any suggestions inv the Hereford/Shropshire/Powys area would be appreciated.

brisel

730 posts

175 months

Saturday 12th June
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https://www.iamroadsmart.com/
https://www.iamroadsmart.com/local-groups/4

IAM can help with this, when life gets back to normality.

BertBert

15,191 posts

178 months

Sunday 13th June
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Don't bother with IAM, just find a local driving instructor.

Somewhatfoolish

3,895 posts

153 months

Tuesday 29th June
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In exactly the same position. Unfortunately I cannot persuade her to take lessons (and she's not suitable for IAM or anything advanced, she doesn't even vaguely deserve a licence tbh). Am basically forcing her to drive a couple of times a week but this isn't going well at all. This must be a common problem at the moment, there must be a better solution!

Isaac Hunt

12,855 posts

178 months

Tuesday 29th June
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I am female. I can totally understand where your wives/partners are at the moment.

A number of medical issues (broken leg, cataracts) have kept me out of the driving seat on and off since September 2019. Additionally we have both retired, so now tend to do a lot of the stuff I did on my own together, such as shopping.

If we go anywhere, the OH drives. He has a Jag XF and I have an MX-5 which he says is not comfortable as a passenger.

Also, he is a way better driver than a passenger. He is not patient and has an "assertive" style of driving. For example, he will sometimes use the RH lane when turning left on a roundabout when the queue is shorter, on the assumption that the extra HP in his car will mean he gets to the exit first (or he just goes all the way around the roundabout).

Therefore he will often voice an opinion on my lane discipline if we are in traffic. I am a conformist where the highway code is concerned and don't tend to switch lanes to what appears to be a faster moving queue in a motorway jam.

So me driving with him as passenger doesn't work unless he has duct tape over his mouth. Are you sure that you never, ever pass comment when your wife is driving, even if you think you are being helpful? Believe me, even the smallest comment would not be help matters at all.

I didn't get to the point of thinking I needed tuition, however if the instructor is positive, it could do wonders for their confidence.

Recently, I had to make a 300 mile trip in my car on my own and that helped no end. Plus I haven't had the MX-5 for long and it has been fun in the nice weather. Perhaps a new car would help? smile

Somewhatfoolish

3,895 posts

153 months

Tuesday 29th June
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Isaac Hunt said:
So me driving with him as passenger doesn't work unless he has duct tape over his mouth. Are you sure that you never, ever pass comment when your wife is driving, even if you think you are being helpful? Believe me, even the smallest comment would not be help matters at all.
Funnily enough, she imitated me today as we drove back from a bizarre woke performace of Romeo and Juliet at the Globe. And yeah sure it was annoying and quite funny.

But what am I supposed to do when we're bouncing off the limiter in 2nd on a dual carrigeway? Or doing 40 in a 30*? Or she's trying to restart the running engine cause she's assumed she's stalled it?

After today's "imitation" I was thinking perhaps one option is just do a commentary drive the whole way (except not me driving). But I suggested that and was shot down.

Really don't know what to do...



*I admit it's not helpful that I am quite happy to do any speed I like when it's safe... indeed one of the reasons I need her driving is I know I'll be caught eventually; as careful as I am (never caught in UK for speeding but been done in many other countries where I don't understand the system so well) I only need to miss an undercover car or van once and a ban is inevitable.

Isaac Hunt

12,855 posts

178 months

Wednesday 30th June
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Somewhatfoolish said:
Funnily enough, she imitated me today as we drove back from a bizarre woke performace of Romeo and Juliet at the Globe. And yeah sure it was annoying and quite funny.

But what am I supposed to do when we're bouncing off the limiter in 2nd on a dual carrigeway? Or doing 40 in a 30*? Or she's trying to restart the running engine cause she's assumed she's stalled it?

After today's "imitation" I was thinking perhaps one option is just do a commentary drive the whole way (except not me driving). But I suggested that and was shot down.
Sorry to say this, but you may find you are part of the problem.

My previous car had the indicator and wiper stalks on the opposite sides. I had this car for 13 years. I never get the wrong option when I am on my own, but sods law, I will get it wrong when he is in the car and he will make a comment.

Have you thought about an automatic?

sean ie3

285 posts

103 months

Wednesday 30th June
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I would not recommend an automatic, it's better to stall your engine than driving into the car in front. Thinking about it, this situation is a total PITA, I'd just let the driver get on with it and hopefully their confidence will grow. smile

ElectricSoup

7,962 posts

118 months

Wednesday 30th June
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Isaac Hunt said:
Also, he is a way better driver than a passenger. He is not patient and has an "assertive" style of driving. For example, he will sometimes use the RH lane when turning left on a roundabout when the queue is shorter, on the assumption that the extra HP in his car will mean he gets to the exit first (or he just goes all the way around the roundabout).
Holy st. Somebody did EXACTLY this (the left hook manoeuvre, not the going round) at a roundabout a couple of months ago, with my missus in our Nissan Leaf to his left (she was going straight ahead, and in a correct lane to do so), him being in a no doubt "extra HP" Range Rover Evoque. He wasn't indicating of course, and misjuged the ability of our no doubt "poxy" Leaf to accelerate - causing a collision which took the front wing and bumper off our car and mangled the entire side of his. Insurance put it on him 100%, fortunately 2 witnesses saw it, stopped and gave details. Even more fortunately my missus and our 13 year old daughter were unhurt, but both were badly shaken and now my daughter has a "fear" of the roundabout where it happened, which we have to pass every day on the school run. I think it will have an impact on her when she learns to drive, she's never going to forget it.

You partner is being a massive, massive bell end.

vonhosen

37,661 posts

184 months

Wednesday 30th June
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It's an old article but bespoke solutions are available.

https://www.theguardian.com/theobserver/2002/oct/2...

Wills2

18,158 posts

142 months

Wednesday 30th June
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ElectricSoup said:
Holy st. Somebody did EXACTLY this (the left hook manoeuvre, not the going round) at a roundabout a couple of months ago, with my missus in our Nissan Leaf to his left (she was going straight ahead, and in a correct lane to do so), him being in a no doubt "extra HP" Range Rover Evoque. He wasn't indicating of course, and misjuged the ability of our no doubt "poxy" Leaf to accelerate - causing a collision which took the front wing and bumper off our car and mangled the entire side of his. Insurance put it on him 100%, fortunately 2 witnesses saw it, stopped and gave details. Even more fortunately my missus and our 13 year old daughter were unhurt, but both were badly shaken and now my daughter has a "fear" of the roundabout where it happened, which we have to pass every day on the school run. I think it will have an impact on her when she learns to drive, she's never going to forget it.

You partner is being a massive, massive bell end.
This is why unless I'm taking the first exit, I always try to remember to look at the near side wheel of the car to my right for an additional check/indication on where they're going to go and if they do set off with "purpose" I'll let them get ahead.

I've had a few situations where they are in the wrong lane but coming across regardless but because of the above I was ready.








Edited by Wills2 on Wednesday 30th June 13:51

ElectricSoup

7,962 posts

118 months

Wednesday 30th June
quotequote all
Wills2 said:
ElectricSoup said:
Holy st. Somebody did EXACTLY this (the left hook manoeuvre, not the going round) at a roundabout a couple of months ago, with my missus in our Nissan Leaf to his left (she was going straight ahead, and in a correct lane to do so), him being in a no doubt "extra HP" Range Rover Evoque. He wasn't indicating of course, and misjuged the ability of our no doubt "poxy" Leaf to accelerate - causing a collision which took the front wing and bumper off our car and mangled the entire side of his. Insurance put it on him 100%, fortunately 2 witnesses saw it, stopped and gave details. Even more fortunately my missus and our 13 year old daughter were unhurt, but both were badly shaken and now my daughter has a "fear" of the roundabout where it happened, which we have to pass every day on the school run. I think it will have an impact on her when she learns to drive, she's never going to forget it.

You partner is being a massive, massive bell end.
This is why unless I'm taking the first exit, I always try to remember to look at the near side wheel of the car to my left for an additional check/indication on where they're going to go and if they do set off with "purpose" I'll let them get ahead.

I've had a few situations where they are in the wrong lane but coming across regardless but because of the above I was ready.
That's a good tip. You are a good driver. Mr Hunt is not. Mr Hunt should not behave as he does.

However, in the case of the collision I'm describing, Mrs Soup set off, with someone on her left as well as Mr Bell End on her right, who tried to overtake and cut in front. Because of Mr BE's behaviour, a collision became unavoidable, he had not even stopped at the roundabout entrance, so there was no chance to do what you suggest, even if Mrs Soup had wanted to. He was essentially racing his "extra HP" car to perform an illegal manouevre. She hit the brakes but it was too late, he just took her out. I'm only surprised she didn't get rear ended also, but fortunately the car behind was being driven correctly, the driver being one of the witnesses who stopped. The misjudgement was entirely his. Insurance companies agreeing without argument that Mr BE was responsible 100% somehwat supports the proposition that Mrs Soup was unable to avoid it.

Edited by ElectricSoup on Wednesday 30th June 13:46

Wills2

18,158 posts

142 months

Wednesday 30th June
quotequote all
ElectricSoup said:
Wills2 said:
ElectricSoup said:
Holy st. Somebody did EXACTLY this (the left hook manoeuvre, not the going round) at a roundabout a couple of months ago, with my missus in our Nissan Leaf to his left (she was going straight ahead, and in a correct lane to do so), him being in a no doubt "extra HP" Range Rover Evoque. He wasn't indicating of course, and misjuged the ability of our no doubt "poxy" Leaf to accelerate - causing a collision which took the front wing and bumper off our car and mangled the entire side of his. Insurance put it on him 100%, fortunately 2 witnesses saw it, stopped and gave details. Even more fortunately my missus and our 13 year old daughter were unhurt, but both were badly shaken and now my daughter has a "fear" of the roundabout where it happened, which we have to pass every day on the school run. I think it will have an impact on her when she learns to drive, she's never going to forget it.

You partner is being a massive, massive bell end.
This is why unless I'm taking the first exit, I always try to remember to look at the near side wheel of the car to my left for an additional check/indication on where they're going to go and if they do set off with "purpose" I'll let them get ahead.

I've had a few situations where they are in the wrong lane but coming across regardless but because of the above I was ready.
That's a good tip. You are a good driver. Mr Hunt is not. Mr Hunt should not behave as he does.

However, in the case of the collision I'm describing, Mrs Soup set off, with someone on her left as well as Mr Bell End on her right, who tried to overtake and cut in front. Because of Mr BE's behaviour, a collision became unavoidable, he had not even stopped at the roundabout entrance, so there was no chance to do what you suggest, even if Mrs Soup had wanted to. He was essentially racing his "extra HP" car to perform an illegal manouevre. She hit the brakes but it was too late, he just took her out. I'm only surprised she didn't get rear ended also, but fortunately the car behind was being driven correctly, the driver being one of the witnesses who stopped. The misjudgement was entirely his. Insurance companies agreeing without argument that Mr BE was responsible 100% somehwat supports the proposition that Mrs Soup was unable to avoid it.

Edited by ElectricSoup on Wednesday 30th June 13:46
Sorry I messed my tip up I meant to say the car on my right! (me being in the left hand lane)

ElectricSoup

7,962 posts

118 months

Wednesday 30th June
quotequote all
Wills2 said:
Sorry I messed my tip up I meant to say the car on my right! (me being in the left hand lane)
'S okay, I presumed as much.

Isaac Hunt

12,855 posts

178 months

Wednesday 30th June
quotequote all
ElectricSoup said:
You partner is being a massive, massive bell end.
Would you like to tell him that hehe

In his defence, it is a very rare manoeuvre, but it does seem the faster the car, the lesser the patience with slower drivers/cars. In my experience, and a lot of you won't like this, men do have a more assertive driving style and will struggle with the little old lady in the Micra holding them up. I occasionally remind him that the lady in front could well be his Mum.

OP, don't dismiss the automatic suggestion. I was dragged kicking and screaming into an auto - "it is not a proper car", but had no option due to knee issues and easily adapted. Also my niece was really struggling with driving until she got an auto. It is one less thing to think about. Not all women are natural multitaskers.


ElectricSoup

7,962 posts

118 months

Wednesday 30th June
quotequote all
Isaac Hunt said:
ElectricSoup said:
You partner is being a massive, massive bell end.
Would you like to tell him that hehe

In his defence, it is a very rare manoeuvre, but it does seem the faster the car, the lesser the patience with slower drivers/cars. In my experience, and a lot of you won't like this, men do have a more assertive driving style and will struggle with the little old lady in the Micra holding them up. I occasionally remind him that the lady in front could well be his Mum.

OP, don't dismiss the automatic suggestion. I was dragged kicking and screaming into an auto - "it is not a proper car", but had no option due to knee issues and easily adapted. Also my niece was really struggling with driving until she got an auto. It is one less thing to think about. Not all women are natural multitaskers.
Defence? Why would you defend such dangerous behaviour? I lost my Dad in a road accident thanks to some ahole's dangerous and selfish driving, and I don't take such flagrantly dangerous behaviour lightly. Yes, I'd tell him. You should tell him. Any reason I shouldn't? Is he going to assault me? Is his Dad bigger than me?

Why do you think people lose the confidence to drive? I'd specualte it's largely in part down to other people driving like pricks around them. Bullies need putting right. Esecially cowardly ones who bully other road usesr in the "extra HP" cars.

Edited by ElectricSoup on Wednesday 30th June 14:05

silentbrown

Original Poster:

6,703 posts

83 months

Wednesday 30th June
quotequote all
Isaac Hunt said:
OP, don't dismiss the automatic suggestion. I was dragged kicking and screaming into an auto - "it is not a proper car", but had no option due to knee issues and easily adapted. Also my niece was really struggling with driving until she got an auto. It is one less thing to think about. Not all women are natural multitaskers.
Thanks! Plenty of good advice there, and I know there have been occasions when my "assistance" from the passenger seat has not been well received...

She's driving an auto already (this car's the first) and is very comfortable with that. Changing cars is a possibility, as the size of the XC60 bothers her. However, the higher driving position works well for her.

Isaac Hunt

12,855 posts

178 months

Wednesday 30th June
quotequote all
silentbrown said:
Changing cars is a possibility, as the size of the XC60 bothers her. However, the higher driving position works well for her.
My Mum went from a VW Passat to a VW Up and that helped her enormously. Unfortunately cars have got bigger, but not parking spaces and I expect that some of her driving will include parking at supermarkets.


Somewhatfoolish

3,895 posts

153 months

Wednesday 30th June
quotequote all
Isaac Hunt said:
Sorry to say this, but you may find you are part of the problem.

My previous car had the indicator and wiper stalks on the opposite sides. I had this car for 13 years. I never get the wrong option when I am on my own, but sods law, I will get it wrong when he is in the car and he will make a comment.

Have you thought about an automatic?
Thought about an automatic but it feels like 'giving in' and would be unhelpful on holiday etc.

I have absolutely no doubt I am part of the problem but I don't see what else I'm supposed to do? I know that in _theory_ bouncing off the limiter for a while shouldn't harm a modern car (mind you hers has 180k on the clock) but is this really a situation you shouldn't intervene? I guess it's possible.

vonhosen said:
It's an old article but bespoke solutions are available.

https://www.theguardian.com/theobserver/2002/oct/2...
Thanks. The particular company in the article is bust but I have found another one called CSM Drive Therapy which do a free 30 minute intro session and she sounds keen so will try this.

waremark

2,902 posts

180 months

Thursday 1st July
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"In my experience, and a lot of you won't like this, men do have a more assertive driving style and will struggle with the little old lady in the Micra holding them up"

It's a generalisation. The opposite applies to me and Mrs Ware, and I see plenty of over assertive young women on the road.