How Solid Really is Your Marriage
Discussion
helmutlaang said:
Well mine ultimately went tits up.
Together 23 years,still technically married but been separated 4 years.
Main reason was I took her for granted. Unfortunately being an only child the role model I had was my dad and he was awful to my mum and most of that rubbed of on me.
There were other factors of course but ultimately it was me being a dick which caused it,and I regret that.
We are still really good friends as our split was amicable and we still care for each other.
We are both seeing other people now and it caused a lot of tension between me and my partner about how close we are when I first started dating again.
Basically my ex and I started dating young and grew up together. I saw her flourish in her career and encouraged her. I’m very proud of her and see her success as my success as well,rightly or wrongly.
But anyway,she seems happy now which is what matters the most.
Quite unusual that a couple can stay great friends after so many years together and after a break up .Together 23 years,still technically married but been separated 4 years.
Main reason was I took her for granted. Unfortunately being an only child the role model I had was my dad and he was awful to my mum and most of that rubbed of on me.
There were other factors of course but ultimately it was me being a dick which caused it,and I regret that.
We are still really good friends as our split was amicable and we still care for each other.
We are both seeing other people now and it caused a lot of tension between me and my partner about how close we are when I first started dating again.
Basically my ex and I started dating young and grew up together. I saw her flourish in her career and encouraged her. I’m very proud of her and see her success as my success as well,rightly or wrongly.
But anyway,she seems happy now which is what matters the most.
Lots of my friends got married very young and most of them divorced . I’m sure I was due to the females being insistent on getting married ‘before the next friend did’ .
I left it to 30 having already been with my now wife for 9yrs.
We are all the happier for it I believe
fridaypassion said:
Together over 20 years married 10.
This and the constant divorve threads always make me feel fortunate I did luck out with the Mrs as she is not mental and is a weapons grade looker whereas I look like someone just beat Ross Kemp up and left him for dead.
We hands outlasted countless couples some really shocked us on splitting most didn't. I don't think there's a formula but some were just clearly wrong or the man/woman is a nutmeg etc.
Couple of observations.
I think a lot of people these days go into marriage fully anticipating getting a 5 year run before moving on. People seem to be always on the lookout for the next upgrade. This is not more misogyny which this thread needs no more of we have seen it happen with both sexes. Men if anything are the worst lillypad jumpers.
People don't have joint bank accounts. This award amazes me. Might be the modern way but it's like peiple are trying to keep hold of a part of their self somehow. To me it's an area of privacy that you should leave behind when you are seriously involved with someone.
You need to fancy your partner. After 20 odd years my Mrs still gives me a twinge I can tell ya! Also this really outdated view of the wife having to ensure she's on hand to look after the man's needs it's all wrong guys! YOU must look after HER for a happy life!
I also think it's important to have your own interests and give each other space to enjoy your own time. My Mrs has no problem me swanning off to the ring with my pals or going out or whatever and she goes off and does what she wants there is no controlling or friction and this is something almost all couples get wrong.
Oh and if one of you publicly declares love on Facebook it's already over.
Absolutely spot on and i lucked out too despite trying to delay marriage as long as poss.This and the constant divorve threads always make me feel fortunate I did luck out with the Mrs as she is not mental and is a weapons grade looker whereas I look like someone just beat Ross Kemp up and left him for dead.
We hands outlasted countless couples some really shocked us on splitting most didn't. I don't think there's a formula but some were just clearly wrong or the man/woman is a nutmeg etc.
Couple of observations.
I think a lot of people these days go into marriage fully anticipating getting a 5 year run before moving on. People seem to be always on the lookout for the next upgrade. This is not more misogyny which this thread needs no more of we have seen it happen with both sexes. Men if anything are the worst lillypad jumpers.
People don't have joint bank accounts. This award amazes me. Might be the modern way but it's like peiple are trying to keep hold of a part of their self somehow. To me it's an area of privacy that you should leave behind when you are seriously involved with someone.
You need to fancy your partner. After 20 odd years my Mrs still gives me a twinge I can tell ya! Also this really outdated view of the wife having to ensure she's on hand to look after the man's needs it's all wrong guys! YOU must look after HER for a happy life!
I also think it's important to have your own interests and give each other space to enjoy your own time. My Mrs has no problem me swanning off to the ring with my pals or going out or whatever and she goes off and does what she wants there is no controlling or friction and this is something almost all couples get wrong.
Oh and if one of you publicly declares love on Facebook it's already over.
It wasnt because i didnt want to marry her it was due to not liking all the show that goes with the big day.
Separate bank accounts- whats that all about?!! If it goes pear shaped you are joint and severely liable for the lot anyway. Marriage is share and share alike and working together so in for a penny in for a pound i say.
And as for facebook thats also agreed hence why i call it "Fakebook"
WestyCarl said:
OK, separate bank account admission time 
it's nothing to do with not sharing (we can probably both check each other accounts) it just works better for us on a number of levels. We did try the whole joint thing for a few years but just didn't work, i'd be thinking "ohh, got some left for a nice carbon widget", she'd think "ohh, got some left for a nice handbag" and we'd either be skint or one would be disappointed.
So now I pay for mortgage, all bills and transfer some to my wife every month. With her salary and my transfer she has to put food on the table.
We both have some left every month in our own accounts to spend or save how we wish, no asking, having to allocate, needing to justify, etc.
That clearly works for you and good luck to you. I tried that with the missus but she just drained her account then used the joint one! it's nothing to do with not sharing (we can probably both check each other accounts) it just works better for us on a number of levels. We did try the whole joint thing for a few years but just didn't work, i'd be thinking "ohh, got some left for a nice carbon widget", she'd think "ohh, got some left for a nice handbag" and we'd either be skint or one would be disappointed.So now I pay for mortgage, all bills and transfer some to my wife every month. With her salary and my transfer she has to put food on the table.
We both have some left every month in our own accounts to spend or save how we wish, no asking, having to allocate, needing to justify, etc.
Brilad said:
Open your mind, Quaid...open your mind...
I'm almost in the same situation. I like my missus but all the juice has gone for whatever reason. But it takes two to not tango I suppose.
We've got 3 kids who I am committed to (twins age 10 included) and there's no way I'm going to destabilise them.
She's a great mum to them, though, it has to be said.
As soon as they are through University, I'm off.
Sad in a way obviously but if you're both not happy when the kids are off hand then you'll only end up resenting each other i suppose.
That said you have plenty of time to sort things out before they fly the nest
I'm almost in the same situation. I like my missus but all the juice has gone for whatever reason. But it takes two to not tango I suppose.
We've got 3 kids who I am committed to (twins age 10 included) and there's no way I'm going to destabilise them.
She's a great mum to them, though, it has to be said.
As soon as they are through University, I'm off.
Sad in a way obviously but if you're both not happy when the kids are off hand then you'll only end up resenting each other i suppose.
That said you have plenty of time to sort things out before they fly the nest
otherman said:
That'd be the end for me. No respect for you at all, just wants the money.
No matey maybe i put it in the wrong context she cares only about us all as a family and wants to spoil us all with good home cooked food and make the house lovely for me and the kids.She is seriously thoughtful and lives by life being too short and loves to see the look on others faces .
She is a diamond but loves one too!
Glad I started this thread , some great stories on here and I think it’ll also make people stop and think about working harder at their marriages if needs be .
Sadly I can see a friends marriage hitting the wall next year but there is no point in telling him as it’s clear it’s alteady too far ruined and I’ll
Onlly end up getting dragged into it .
Shame
Sadly I can see a friends marriage hitting the wall next year but there is no point in telling him as it’s clear it’s alteady too far ruined and I’ll
Onlly end up getting dragged into it .
Shame
oldbanger said:
I’d agree with you on this to a certain extent, but it’s also a fab way to communicate and to create memories.
I don’t have any family nearby but I can send pictures of the kids and general updates to everyone at the touch of a button. And because you generally will record the good bits, when the kids are being extra s
t I can remind myself that it’s not all bad. Useful at the moment as the Christmas meltdowns started a couple of weeks ago.
I am not sure I can really comment on the rest of the thread really. I wanted a 50:50 type marriage the 2nd time round, with lots of chatter laughter and life. But I went for a guy who after the initial honeymoon period wore off, is very traditional, a homebody, wants to have dinner on the table, a clean house, everything taken care of, to be left alone to watch tv, kids out of the way and got sick of my st years ago. We’ve been together 16 years.
But you don’t sound very happy with the current arrangement ? I don’t have any family nearby but I can send pictures of the kids and general updates to everyone at the touch of a button. And because you generally will record the good bits, when the kids are being extra s
t I can remind myself that it’s not all bad. Useful at the moment as the Christmas meltdowns started a couple of weeks ago. I am not sure I can really comment on the rest of the thread really. I wanted a 50:50 type marriage the 2nd time round, with lots of chatter laughter and life. But I went for a guy who after the initial honeymoon period wore off, is very traditional, a homebody, wants to have dinner on the table, a clean house, everything taken care of, to be left alone to watch tv, kids out of the way and got sick of my s
t years ago. We’ve been together 16 years.
Foxhall said:
Known each other for 49 years, married 44 years +
Believe me guys . . The bedroom isn't everything.
I was given 2 pieces of really good advice before I got married, on by my dad, the other from my best man;
My dad said 'Make sure the girl you marry isn't a we in the kitchen and a cook in bed'
My best man; 'believe me, for the 1st 9 months, you'll wish you could eat it, after that, you'll wish you had'
Both good pieces of advice
Here we both have our own skills and specialities
We don't encroach on each others area of expertise.
We take things day by day
And has been said before, time for each other
Mind . . . .Didn't stop things getting rough from time to time.
Haha brilliant post . Believe me guys . . The bedroom isn't everything.
I was given 2 pieces of really good advice before I got married, on by my dad, the other from my best man;
My dad said 'Make sure the girl you marry isn't a w
e in the kitchen and a cook in bed'My best man; 'believe me, for the 1st 9 months, you'll wish you could eat it, after that, you'll wish you had'
Both good pieces of advice
Here we both have our own skills and specialities
We don't encroach on each others area of expertise.
We take things day by day
And has been said before, time for each other
Mind . . . .Didn't stop things getting rough from time to time.
49yrs, top innings !
Ari said:
Some women just aren't that interested. Easy to point the finger at the guy and say he should up his game (and in some instances that may be true), but I know a few guys who have gone out with women who are a little lacklustre (for want of a better expression) in the early days of the relationship, and once married or with a baby simply don't feel the need to carry on the charade of wanting it anymore.
Basically, women know full well that if they don't have fairly regular sex with a new guy, they're going to get dumped pretty quick. So if they're not interested they'll hang on and put up with it till it's hard for him to leave, and then they're done as far as they're concerned (except for making babies obviously).
So yes, maybe it's the extra work and pressure of having the child, but there are many many women who have babies and manage to maintain a perfectly good sex life. Might not be hanging from the chandeliers and leaping off the wardrobe twice a day anymore maybe, but still nice.
I guess a lot depends on what she saw in the bloke in the first place. If it's 'pleasant enough guy, good earner, good father' then it doesn't matter what you wear, what you buy her or how often you go to the gym, it's probably not going to change.
Takes working at . Basically, women know full well that if they don't have fairly regular sex with a new guy, they're going to get dumped pretty quick. So if they're not interested they'll hang on and put up with it till it's hard for him to leave, and then they're done as far as they're concerned (except for making babies obviously).
So yes, maybe it's the extra work and pressure of having the child, but there are many many women who have babies and manage to maintain a perfectly good sex life. Might not be hanging from the chandeliers and leaping off the wardrobe twice a day anymore maybe, but still nice.
I guess a lot depends on what she saw in the bloke in the first place. If it's 'pleasant enough guy, good earner, good father' then it doesn't matter what you wear, what you buy her or how often you go to the gym, it's probably not going to change.
No denying when kids come onboard it gets more tricky when they are babies and then they suddenly won't sleep and then they are teenagers !
As yourself how how all the long term marriages with kids and a sex live exist , it takes planning maybe and that's no bad thing as you can turn it into a good night .
Horses for courses maybe but my other half and I got together in 1989 and still no complaints !
AstonZagato said:
It does need sorting. I had this. I had a difficult and direct conversation with my wife about it. It wasn't easy. Neither of us wanted to confront the issue but if we didn't I would have had to leave the marriage (though I didn't threaten that). She was upset by the conversation, if I'm honest. She told me some things I had to change in the way I approached the marriage too. It was not comfortable at home for a few days. But it saved our marriage. We both made changes. We are both much happier and closer.
There you go things sometimes take 'working through' its no bad thing.Well done you
Dr-RS said:
Thank you for starting the debate Focus RS3. I guess like me you are a Mk3 Focus RS Owner? Do you belong to either of the two main forums? I do which made me nervous to reply, although I wanted to, but there have been many sincere replies on here and no trolling which reassures me it is worth contributing. My other confession is that I don't really read PH, I have advertised a couple of cars on here but I look at the thread titles sometimes and this one seemed intruiging. I haven't read all 13 pages but from the comments I have seen, I fit the pattern of many. I think a few blokes visit car forums for a little male company and to escape from the wife for a bit. Apologies for the sweeping sexist statement but I haven't noticed any female comments in the few I have read. I guess therefore this thread is less surprising and I'm impressed at the decorum, responsibility and mutual respect contributors have shown so far.
I have no complaints about how my life has worked out, but our relationship could be better. I am mid-50's and four years into my second fulfilling career. I plan to retire for good at 60 or maybe do a bit of what I do now part time. Mrs. Speed Limiter and I will have been married 30 years next year, inshallah, we have two brilliant grown up kids, a nice house, no mortgage, great families and friends, 2 lovely dogs and enough disposable income to do what we want and buy what we want. We don't suffer critical health problems thankfully at the moment and are very young and active in our outlook, tastes in music, social life etc. There is nothing worse than grumpy judgemental middle-aged plus people who think this has to be the norm.
Our marriage does follow a distinct pattern though which is lack of female libido. It is reassuring to read how common this is, I thought we were in the minority. Problem is I still have libido coming out my ears. I'm at a stage now which I have reached a few times before where I will go for 3-4 weeks waiting for my wife to instigate sex, thinking I won't pester for it ever again, but she never does, then I pester and we have crap, one sided, quick (because it is) often painful sex. I have no idea what the lack of libido is caused by, and yes we have tried lube, the pain is maybe psychosomatic? We have never sought professional help but we have discussed the problem at length several times. My wife is mid menopause and has suffered with a variety of physical and mental ailments (google Fibromyalgia for a start) which have contributed to sex being right off her agenda, and she told me over twenty years ago if she never had sex again it wouldn't be a day too soon, with me or anyone else. That has hurt every day since, but im pleased she is honest and it is just down to her chemicals or the way her brain is wired up. I think professional help is our only chance now to salvage a sex life.
The frustrating thing isn't so much the lack of a decent sex life, it is the frustration that we could have it all, a even more brilliant, privileged and happier life, and that some of the trivia we disagree about is so pointless when you consider other people's problems. It is childish to say so ("she started it!") but almost all the disagreements are instigated by side effects of my wife's depression, physical pains and other conditions, empty nest syndrome, lack of identity, lack of purpose, lack of self esteem etc. Obviously I'm not perfect but hormone imbalance has a lot to answer for.
We are very different people but we work well together. We worked together better when we both worked full time and the kids were young ... more pressure but we were happier then. We have talked all these issues through and wouldn't want to separate, but things could be better. People who say they married their soul mate are incredibly lucky. I never believed I had one or ever would. Maybe I believed soul mates to be an idealistic notion and I was sceptical of people who claimed they had met theirs. It must be an amazing feeling to genuinely believe it and to be able to express it.
In conclusion it seems a large number of middle aged and below couples are going through the same thing. The only thing I would say is there are a great deal of physical and mental health issues which females in particular go through and are beyond their control which can be destructive to a good marriage. A good marriage, like health, family, friends and happiness is something to work at if necessary and cherish. A poor sex life isn't fun, especially when it was once great pre-children and you love your wife as much as I do and think she is as gorgeous as I do (6', slim, young looking, funny, sexy, milf) but that isn't much to cope with given all the great things I enjoy and considering all the problems others endure and I don't.
Thanks again for starting the debate RS3. I for one found it cathartic joining in, although it is the same conversation I have had with real friends in real life in the pub or on the golf course. I I hope others found it useful too.
I hope if you do own a Mk3 RS your engine doesn't melt, your steering doesn't veer, and you don't fixate about MPG or depreciation but you do simply enjoy an amazing car which does generate strong but divided opinions. Personally I love mine, with all it's idiosyncrasies. You sound like a mature, mellow, level headed kind of bloke and it is a welcome relief (no pun intended) to have an grown-up discussion about serious stuff on a car forum for a change. Almost forgot, although there appear to be so many RS haters out there, including people who own them (?!?!) I'm also very grateful to be able to own such a rewarding drivers car, which incidentally my wife hates with a passion. Bringing it back to cars, if she was ever going to divorce me, the grounds would be unreasonable behaviour, aka buying the RS.
Take Care, The Doc.
Hi Doc,I have no complaints about how my life has worked out, but our relationship could be better. I am mid-50's and four years into my second fulfilling career. I plan to retire for good at 60 or maybe do a bit of what I do now part time. Mrs. Speed Limiter and I will have been married 30 years next year, inshallah, we have two brilliant grown up kids, a nice house, no mortgage, great families and friends, 2 lovely dogs and enough disposable income to do what we want and buy what we want. We don't suffer critical health problems thankfully at the moment and are very young and active in our outlook, tastes in music, social life etc. There is nothing worse than grumpy judgemental middle-aged plus people who think this has to be the norm.
Our marriage does follow a distinct pattern though which is lack of female libido. It is reassuring to read how common this is, I thought we were in the minority. Problem is I still have libido coming out my ears. I'm at a stage now which I have reached a few times before where I will go for 3-4 weeks waiting for my wife to instigate sex, thinking I won't pester for it ever again, but she never does, then I pester and we have crap, one sided, quick (because it is) often painful sex. I have no idea what the lack of libido is caused by, and yes we have tried lube, the pain is maybe psychosomatic? We have never sought professional help but we have discussed the problem at length several times. My wife is mid menopause and has suffered with a variety of physical and mental ailments (google Fibromyalgia for a start) which have contributed to sex being right off her agenda, and she told me over twenty years ago if she never had sex again it wouldn't be a day too soon, with me or anyone else. That has hurt every day since, but im pleased she is honest and it is just down to her chemicals or the way her brain is wired up. I think professional help is our only chance now to salvage a sex life.
The frustrating thing isn't so much the lack of a decent sex life, it is the frustration that we could have it all, a even more brilliant, privileged and happier life, and that some of the trivia we disagree about is so pointless when you consider other people's problems. It is childish to say so ("she started it!") but almost all the disagreements are instigated by side effects of my wife's depression, physical pains and other conditions, empty nest syndrome, lack of identity, lack of purpose, lack of self esteem etc. Obviously I'm not perfect but hormone imbalance has a lot to answer for.
We are very different people but we work well together. We worked together better when we both worked full time and the kids were young ... more pressure but we were happier then. We have talked all these issues through and wouldn't want to separate, but things could be better. People who say they married their soul mate are incredibly lucky. I never believed I had one or ever would. Maybe I believed soul mates to be an idealistic notion and I was sceptical of people who claimed they had met theirs. It must be an amazing feeling to genuinely believe it and to be able to express it.
In conclusion it seems a large number of middle aged and below couples are going through the same thing. The only thing I would say is there are a great deal of physical and mental health issues which females in particular go through and are beyond their control which can be destructive to a good marriage. A good marriage, like health, family, friends and happiness is something to work at if necessary and cherish. A poor sex life isn't fun, especially when it was once great pre-children and you love your wife as much as I do and think she is as gorgeous as I do (6', slim, young looking, funny, sexy, milf) but that isn't much to cope with given all the great things I enjoy and considering all the problems others endure and I don't.
Thanks again for starting the debate RS3. I for one found it cathartic joining in, although it is the same conversation I have had with real friends in real life in the pub or on the golf course. I I hope others found it useful too.
I hope if you do own a Mk3 RS your engine doesn't melt, your steering doesn't veer, and you don't fixate about MPG or depreciation but you do simply enjoy an amazing car which does generate strong but divided opinions. Personally I love mine, with all it's idiosyncrasies. You sound like a mature, mellow, level headed kind of bloke and it is a welcome relief (no pun intended) to have an grown-up discussion about serious stuff on a car forum for a change. Almost forgot, although there appear to be so many RS haters out there, including people who own them (?!?!) I'm also very grateful to be able to own such a rewarding drivers car, which incidentally my wife hates with a passion. Bringing it back to cars, if she was ever going to divorce me, the grounds would be unreasonable behaviour, aka buying the RS.
Take Care, The Doc.
Edited by Dr-RS on Wednesday 13th December 18:04
Edited by Dr-RS on Wednesday 13th December 18:08
Oddly enough I'm not an RS owner but maybe one day and i certainly have grown to like the cars.
My login was formed just when i had thought about buying one hence the name.
The thread i started as i felt sometimes we all (including myself) don't stop to think about our marriages and how they and our relationships with our wives change and evolve over time.
I got lucky, i do have my 'soul mate' who sticks with me through anything and for that i salute her. We are fortunate to have two wonder kids now both teenagers and it scares me how much we have done together and how fast time goes.
When people talk about 'working at their marriages' i know what they mean and its no bad thing but we just seem to work together without having to think about it.
We both have different attributes and it all seems to work. Ok, over the years we have had a few spats but its never really been anymore than that and making time for each other just seems to be something we both enjoy doing.
We plan things with and without the kids but both things are equally as important to us so it gels. We have been through financial highs and lows and continue to do so but we do our best to cut our cloth accordingly and both of us can see when the other is trying to make sacrifices.
She hasn't worked for 15+ yrs so I'm the only provider but value the job she does at home for the 3 of us. She never seems to stop running around for us and i guess i do the hours at work for her and the kids.
What we have is a household full of love and respect for each other together with the kids saying 'love you' to us on a regular basis.
I think if we didn't have what we have between the two of us then the rest would never fall into place but thankfully it does.
We are looking to change a good few things in the new year but we'll do it together and embrace it whatever the next challenges are. She is a very optimistic person and definitely picks me up which i value hugely. When shes not around my right arm has gone and I'm constantly wondering if shes ok.
We don't feel the need to be flash or false around one another, there are no silly games its a natural love and understanding.
The strength of our relationship is evident to me in that i cant wait for the kids to be independent and we can retire together and do all the travelling or clubs together we want to do and still walk hand in hand as we do now but to have even more time together.
As for sex well i never kiss and tell but its all good :-)
I'm glad you're enjoying this thread and i hope it goes for many more pages as reading this i think helps everyone in some shape or form. Weather that be just stopping and thinking about how much they love their partner or how maybe things can be improved for the better or even how bad things have gotten and how to address situations. Its a minefield and you never know how it'll go but all i know is I'm one happy customer
Hope you continue to enjoy the thread
jonah35 said:
I don’t think very solid
If a better guy comes along or a better woman then the other person would often wish to leave.
Also, if you were married to a woman and a better guy came along - better looking, more successful, funnier and could make her happier etc then wouldn’t you want your wife to be happier than if she stayed with you?! Tongue in cheek point but aren’t you supposed to want what is best for your wife
Are you saying that your own marriage isn't very solid ?If a better guy comes along or a better woman then the other person would often wish to leave.
Also, if you were married to a woman and a better guy came along - better looking, more successful, funnier and could make her happier etc then wouldn’t you want your wife to be happier than if she stayed with you?! Tongue in cheek point but aren’t you supposed to want what is best for your wife
techiedave said:
Our marriage is quite solid./ We have similar interests and differing interests. We give each other space and have time together. I always get a smile on my face when I see her unexpectedly.
We have had 3 wonderful daughters two are doing well in different areas of work. Our other who passed away at a young age.
We have similar humour laugh at similar things.
Dave, you clearly have a wonderful relationship good for you .We have had 3 wonderful daughters two are doing well in different areas of work. Our other who passed away at a young age.
We have similar humour laugh at similar things.
Sorry to hear about the passing of one of your children , you are clearly a strong couple .
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