Things that annoy you beyond reason...(Vol 5)

Things that annoy you beyond reason...(Vol 5)

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Discussion

Shakermaker

8,013 posts

38 months

Friday 18th January
quotequote all
davhill said:
On average, it's 15 per day. Of what do I speak? Choccy Hobnobs? Fags? Tinnies? No, I am referring to farts, trumps, anal announcements, trouser coughs. We can all produce such a quantity every day and of course, averages aren't maxima.

However, the mobile sewage plants that get right up my nose in a literal sense are those individuals that emit a secret waft in places where the freshening wind doesn't blow. Newsagents' magazine displays, Boots' cough drop aisles, Aldi's aisle of dreams, they're everywhere. And it's inexplicable; those responding to an unexpected command...'blow tanks'...invariably produce a trailer of the worst possible kind. It's always a glutinous guff that violates the sinuses and hangs on with talons of steel.

Being a smoker, I can be fined, prosecuted and otherwise penalised for lighting up in the wrong place. But exponents of the Vaterland can let fly with impunity.

My mind naturally turned to potential solutions to such antisocial expulsions. A compulsory butt plug employing activated charcoal? No, I came up with a superior two-stage strategy.

Stage one is a warning stage. Rather like a klaxon, it allows those of us in the fallout zone to move quickly in the direction of away. Perhaps appropriately, I first thought of a police whistle.There is also a thing called a firedamp whistle, which is set off by the noxious gases in mines. Whether one can detect sulphuretted hydrogen is as yet unknown. That said, we can forget the chemistry for now. All that's needed is a siren whistle ( as used in Supertramp's 'Logical Song.'). Yes, the pressure is there, the gas flow is matchless, let's use them.

Stage two is of necessity more drastic. Like crims are tagged at all times, serial offenders should be made to wear this item. As above, it's butt plug-like but this time, it's high tech. When fitted, the unit's internal capacitor is charged by the caramel-chewing action of walking. When discharge occurs, the unit can detect the composition of the kind of parp that allows others to identify last night's dinner.

At this point, the unit deploys. No, there isn't a chemical filtration, nor does of fart-isolating airbag appear. Instead, the capacitor is triggered to produce a spark at a pair of contacts. We've all seen a jet fighter's flameout, you get the picture. We all know that energy can only be converted; here it's converted in a useful way.

Seeing a person with a charred anal area and no hair at the back means we know whom to avoid. After all, he or she can produce the archetypal horse choking fart.



Edited by davhill on Thursday 17th January 18:39
Do not, under any circumstance, follow me around a branch of HMV.

Regardless of meals eaten, prior visits to the bathroom or anything else, I cannot help but let rip with some of the worst farts you can encounter whilst I casually flick through the racks of CDs and DVDs hunting for any bargain.

I think it is a defensive mechanism against the rancid body odour of the type of person that works in HMV..

Europa1

7,460 posts

126 months

Friday 18th January
quotequote all
This morning, for me, it's people who use the traps at work to take a leak and don't lift the seat, expecting someone else to clean off their urine from the seat.

Utter peasants. mad

captain_cynic

4,035 posts

33 months

Friday 18th January
quotequote all
Shakermaker said:
Do not, under any circumstance, follow me around a branch of HMV.

Regardless of meals eaten, prior visits to the bathroom or anything else, I cannot help but let rip with some of the worst farts you can encounter whilst I casually flick through the racks of CDs and DVDs hunting for any bargain.

I think it is a defensive mechanism against the rancid body odour of the type of person that works in HMV..
Call me council, but that's the fun of going to shops where you'd never normally buy anything. Dropping some room clearing gas and casually sauntering out. I especially enjoy arty/hipster shops where they have some kind of incense going and overpowering that with delicate aroma of last nights curry.

Shakermaker

8,013 posts

38 months

Friday 18th January
quotequote all
captain_cynic said:
Call me council, but that's the fun of going to shops where you'd never normally buy anything. Dropping some room clearing gas and casually sauntering out. I especially enjoy arty/hipster shops where they have some kind of incense going and overpowering that with delicate aroma of last nights curry.
I dropped one in the baby section of Smiths Toy Superstore last week, when I thought I was the only customer in the area. Reaching down to pick up a travel high chair, and out it came.

And then, about 9 seconds later, I see a young woman walk into the aisle. There is no way she will have mistaken the smell for any accident arising from my daughter's nappy... so I know she probably silently cursed me for leaving her with that.

davhill

3,377 posts

122 months

Friday 18th January
quotequote all
Aha, the truth will out! The fart squad has been scrambled... "Bandits on PH, Tally Ho chaps!"
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MartG

13,583 posts

142 months

Friday 18th January
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People who are unable to answer a simple question without trying to belittle both the questioner and everyone else who has offered an answer frown

OK, we get it, you may have some inside knowledge, but that's no excuse for being a dhead when you choose to divulge information to us mere mortals

matchmaker

6,542 posts

138 months

Friday 18th January
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davhill said:
Aha, the truth will out! The fart squad has been scrambled... "Bandits on PH, Tally Ho chaps!"
I am an appalling farter. Just can't help it. frown

My nickname at home is "Farty Trumpington".

Balmoral

31,466 posts

186 months

Friday 18th January
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Well, it looks like there's an enormous market for the butt plug whistle after all.

NoVetec

9,270 posts

111 months

Friday 18th January
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I'm going to invent one that makes a really loud velociraptor noise.

fatboy18

15,795 posts

149 months

Friday 18th January
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MPs ALL should be totally accountable for outright lies, B Johnson a prime example. These people are elected by people to represent them. They should be accountable in the law courts in my book.
it might make them think twice before they come out with outright lies.

V8mate

41,633 posts

127 months

Friday 18th January
quotequote all
fatboy18 said:
MPs ALL should be totally accountable for outright lies, B Johnson a prime example. These people are elected by people to represent them. They should be accountable in the law courts in my book.
it might make them think twice before they come out with outright lies.
Let's start with something simpler. Weather forecasters.

If their forecast for the following day turns out not to be correct, they have to appear the following evening, prior to the next forecast, apologise, cry a little, and then run themselves through with a sword.

Short Grain

839 posts

158 months

Friday 18th January
quotequote all
Shakermaker said:
captain_cynic said:
Call me council, but that's the fun of going to shops where you'd never normally buy anything. Dropping some room clearing gas and casually sauntering out. I especially enjoy arty/hipster shops where they have some kind of incense going and overpowering that with delicate aroma of last nights curry.
I dropped one in the baby section of Smiths Toy Superstore last week, when I thought I was the only customer in the area. Reaching down to pick up a travel high chair, and out it came.

And then, about 9 seconds later, I see a young woman walk into the aisle. There is no way she will have mistaken the smell for any accident arising from my daughter's nappy... so I know she probably silently cursed me for leaving her with that.
I have been known to clear a room after eating Alpen Muesli! Any own brand muesli doesn't have the same effect strangely, must be some secret ingredient but I can make myself gag! Sad thing is, I love Alpen!! So Sorry to anyone who has suffered after I've had breakfast!

davhill

3,377 posts

122 months

Saturday 19th January
quotequote all
NoVetec said:
I'm going to invent one that makes a really loud velociraptor noise.
laugh

What about this sound to clear a room?


Johnspex

1,454 posts

122 months

Saturday 19th January
quotequote all
davhill said:
Aha, the truth will out! The fart squad has been scrambled... "Bandits on PH, Tally Ho chaps!"
I bet all of those telling fart stories can't wait to get back to school on Monday to tell all the other 13 year olds about going on a website for grown-ups and writing pathetic stories about their smelly farts. How funny that will be at break time.

g3org3y

13,054 posts

129 months

Saturday 19th January
quotequote all
When it's the weekend and your brain wakes you up at 5am for no particular reason and you can't get back to sleep. irked

glenrobbo

13,278 posts

88 months

Saturday 19th January
quotequote all
g3org3y said:
When it's the weekend and your brain wakes you up at 5am for no particular reason and you can't get back to sleep. irked
I leave mine in a jar of salt water on the beside table.
Saves all that disturbance.

My bladder still wakes me at stupid o'clock though. irked

I wouldn't want to be woken up by a really loud velociraptor noise. nono
I'd probably st myself! frown

Edited by glenrobbo on Saturday 19th January 07:49

MartG

13,583 posts

142 months

Saturday 19th January
quotequote all
glenrobbo said:
I wouldn't want to be woken up by a really loud velociraptor noise. nono
I'd probably st myself! frown
Ah - a drowning velociraptor noise then smile

thetoxicnerve

20,780 posts

115 months

Saturday 19th January
quotequote all
"Thank you so much."

rageirked

fk off you .

talksthetorque

5,657 posts

73 months

Saturday 19th January
quotequote all
People going slowly everywhere today.
40 in a 60, 22 in a clear 30 with no side roads, then crawling through the car park with loads of spaces. Getting out and ambling through town like they are in a fking garden centre.
Blocking the doorway as you can't wait any longer to spark up.
A woman creeps towards the escalator, with oncoming pedestrians, can't overtake - then puts her shopping trolley next to her on the same step, so nobody can walk up.
People stopping in the street right in front of you and holding a covnversation five wide on the pavement.

tts everywhere.
tts as far as the eye can see.



fatboy18

15,795 posts

149 months

Saturday 19th January
quotequote all
talksthetorque said:
People going slowly everywhere today.
40 in a 60, 22 in a clear 30 with no side roads, then crawling through the car park with loads of spaces. Getting out and ambling through town like they are in a fking garden centre.
Blocking the doorway as you can't wait any longer to spark up.
A woman creeps towards the escalator, with oncoming pedestrians, can't overtake - then puts her shopping trolley next to her on the same step, so nobody can walk up.
People stopping in the street right in front of you and holding a covnversation five wide on the pavement.

tts everywhere.
tts as far as the eye can see.
I've noticed this speed reduction thing more and more over the last year.
Thought the Idea of motorised transport was to get from point A to point B as quickly and legally (I threw that bit in) possible? whistle