Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Author
Discussion

hairy v

1,300 posts

152 months

Saturday 5th February 2022
quotequote all

remedy

1,766 posts

199 months

Saturday 5th February 2022
quotequote all
Abbott said:
MartG said:
rofl
rofl

Jonboy_t

5,038 posts

191 months

Saturday 5th February 2022
quotequote all
remedy said:
Abbott said:
MartG said:
rofl
rofl
I don’t get it?!

ETA - Hang on, just took my glasses off. Very good smile

GloverMart

12,293 posts

223 months

Sunday 6th February 2022
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Got a jacket from my local tailors for £30 reduced from £150, had on the label 'imperfect'.

Well, I checked the lining, the pockets, collar, etc and the only thing I could find was that one of the arms was slightly longer than the other two.

Skyedriver

18,993 posts

290 months

Sunday 6th February 2022
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hairy v said:
What the ????

Pixelpeep 135

8,600 posts

150 months

Monday 7th February 2022
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I tried warming the seat in my canoe but it melted frown turns out that old saying was right, "you can't have your kayak and heat it."

Pixelpeep 135

8,600 posts

150 months

Monday 7th February 2022
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Just wrote a song about Tortillas. I say song, but it's more of a wrap.

vaud

52,481 posts

163 months

Monday 7th February 2022
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Skyedriver said:
What the ????
I suspect a Google translate failure.

Jim1064

381 posts

213 months

Monday 7th February 2022
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vaud said:
Skyedriver said:
What the ????
I suspect a Google translate failure.
https://shopee.com.my/-Cat-Feces-Candy-Maoming-Specialty-Handmade-Coconut-Peanut-Soft-Candy-500g-in-Independent-Small-Packaging-i.605027814.15214539550

grumpy52

5,724 posts

174 months

Monday 7th February 2022
quotequote all
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything, and hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says “What's the food like here?" The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.

Pixelpeep 135

8,600 posts

150 months

Monday 7th February 2022
quotequote all
grumpy52 said:
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything, and hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says “What's the food like here?" The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.
I don't normally read jokes that long, much preferring the pun liners and snappy gags. Glad i did though, made me chuckle.

Trenchard

303 posts

36 months

Monday 7th February 2022
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Sean Connery called on the phone. He said, " I want you to come and sit on my sofa." As he asked nicely, along I went. His driver wasn't pleased.

Pixelpeep 135

8,600 posts

150 months

Monday 7th February 2022
quotequote all
Trenchard said:
Sean Connery called on the phone. He said, " I want you to come and sit on my sofa." As he asked nicely, along I went. His driver wasn't pleased.
boxedin


Edited by Pixelpeep 135 on Monday 7th February 15:59

Trenchard

303 posts

36 months

Monday 7th February 2022
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No, consider how Sean used to shpeak,

Doofus

28,619 posts

181 months

Monday 7th February 2022
quotequote all
Abbott said:
MartG said:
rofl
biggrin

Pixelpeep 135

8,600 posts

150 months

Monday 7th February 2022
quotequote all
Trenchard said:
No, consider how Sean used to shpeak,
omfg. Parrot for me. sorry !!

Doofus

28,619 posts

181 months

Monday 7th February 2022
quotequote all
Pixelpeep 135 said:
Trenchard said:
No, consider how Sean used to shpeak,
omfg. Parrot for me. sorry !!
To be fair, he sounds like a weirdo. The only person who can tell me to come and sit on their sofa without sounding like a pervert is my mum.

a_dreamer

2,031 posts

45 months

Monday 7th February 2022
quotequote all
Went out for dinner last night and the waitress gave me the wrong meal... It was meant for a GP in the next table.....Afterwards she said " Did you enjoy it?" I said " Oh yes, it was just what the doctor ordered!"

Porsche guy

3,465 posts

235 months

Monday 7th February 2022
quotequote all
grumpy52 said:

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says “What's the food like here?" The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.
Now that was good.. laugh

grumpy52

5,724 posts

174 months

Monday 7th February 2022
quotequote all
My ex tells everybody that I really knew how to push her buttons.
I tell them if that were true she would have been on Mute !