Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Monkeylegend]

The only thing better than daffodils on your piano is tulips on your organ.

[Sticks.]

I went into the optician's and said 'I think I need some new glasses'. The owner replied 'you do, this is a fish and chip shop'.

My wife went into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a Double-Entendre. So he gave her one.

[Pieman68]

A horse walked into a bar

The barman said "Why the long face?"

[MartG]

I made a lamb curry yesterday, but apparently they only eat grass.

[droopsnoot]

When a trick went wrong, an amateur magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two children into armchairs. He tried everything he knew to reverse the trick but when all attempts failed, he took them to a hospital.

He paced up and down in the waiting room for hours until finally a junior doctor came out to see him.

“My wife is a couch and my two children are armchairs,” said the magician. “I need to know how they’re doing.”

The doctor glanced at his notes and said, “They’re comfortable.”

[Laurel Green]

[Pixelpeep Electric]

blindfold fairgrounds - i can't see the attraction.

[Master Of Puppets]

Bloke's on his honeymoon, after the first night, 5am he comes downstairs with his fishing gear.

The night porter says "Excuse me for asking sir but the first night of your honeymoon, I thought you'd be at it all night with your new bride."

"Can't" he replies, "She has really a bad dose of the clap."

"Oh, sorry to hear that sir but one hears anal is all the rage these days."

"Can't do that either, she always seems to have a bad dose of diarrhoea."

"Well what about a blow job"

"No not that either, herpes of the mouth."

"I suppose a hand jobs out the question"

"yes she has a real bad case of dermatitis."

"Well excuse me again for asking sir but why did you marry her?"...

"For the maggots"

[ChemicalChaos]

Monkeylegend said:

The only thing better than daffodils on your piano is tulips on your organ.

[GloverMart]

I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself!

No 'fence...

Nun taken....

[Skyedriver]

Pixelpeep Electric said:

blindfold fairgrounds - i can't see the attraction.

Passed by that last time, deserves a

[Monkeylegend]

ChemicalChaos said:

Monkeylegend said:

The only thing better than daffodils on your piano is tulips on your organ.

Haven't seen that in a long while.

[JB99]

Monkeylegend said:

ChemicalChaos said:

Monkeylegend said:

The only thing better than daffodils on your piano is tulips on your organ.

Haven't seen that in a long while.

One of my late father's favourites, he played the organ regularly, at both church and his Masonic lodge....at lodge he accepted his supper in leu of his fee!

So he played for his supper......

[Pixelpeep Electric]

If I got 50p for every time I failed a maths exam, I’d have £6.30 by now.

[speedking31]

A couple falling on hard times and short of cash, so the wife agrees to go on the game.
Off she goes down to the Docks.
Early hours of the morning she returns home.
"How much did you make", asks the husband.
"£20.50"
"Bloody hell, which bd gave you 50p?"
"They all did."

[Vipers]

[Skyedriver]

So true, so sad

[peter tdci]

[Blib]

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore, looking like an idiot.

[808 Estate]