Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Author
Discussion

Master Of Puppets

3,554 posts

72 months

Thursday 28th November 2024
quotequote all
A guy in the pub sold me a rare antique map of the Sahara desert for £20 last night.

Wasn't until this morning when I sobered up I realized it was a sheet of sandpaper.

Jinx

11,659 posts

270 months

Thursday 28th November 2024
quotequote all
Master Of Puppets said:
A guy in the pub sold me a rare antique map of the Sahara desert for £20 last night.

Wasn't until this morning when I sobered up I realized it was a sheet of sandpaper.
That's rough.

boyse7en

7,278 posts

175 months

Thursday 28th November 2024
quotequote all
Huntsman said:
If Isla St Clare married Barry White she'd be Isla White, if she divorced him and married Bryan Ferry she'd be Isla White Ferry.

Thank you. Here all week.
One for the teenagers there...

languagetimothy

1,305 posts

172 months

Thursday 28th November 2024
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for those who like to play silly games at Christmas, don't forget "blind mans buff" '. find a blind man and polish him in less than five minutes

Vipers

33,168 posts

238 months

Thursday 28th November 2024
quotequote all
I went to the supermarket this morning, cashier said my total was £350.75

I wanted a second opinion so I went to the self checkout and I was surprised to find it was only £50.75

havoc

31,259 posts

245 months

Thursday 28th November 2024
quotequote all
languagetimothy said:
for those who like to play silly games at Christmas, don't forget "blind mans buff" '. find a blind man and polish him in less than five minutes
I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue?

Legacywr

12,975 posts

198 months

Thursday 28th November 2024
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Paid for the hour, got 57mins left, so she’s doing my tree…


wildwesthero

268 posts

4 months

Thursday 28th November 2024
quotequote all
ozzuk said:
Tye Green said:
Just been on the news about the devastating effects on some businesses resulting from Rachel Reeves' recent budget.

A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.

A local strip club has gone tits up, Interflora is pruning its business and Dyno-rod has gone down the drain.

The saddest one though is the ice cream van man found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He couldn't take it any more and topped himself.
It's not all bad news, I started a boat building business in my attic, sails are through the roof!
A couple of budget airlines have crashed.

captain_cynic

13,908 posts

105 months

Thursday 28th November 2024
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wildwesthero said:
A couple of budget airlines have crashed.
Budget Airlines?

I though they only rented cars.

R6tty

485 posts

25 months

Thursday 28th November 2024
quotequote all
Vipers said:
I went to the supermarket this morning, cashier said my total was £350.75

I wanted a second opinion so I went to the self checkout and I was surprised to find it was only £50.75
Eh?

Legacywr

12,975 posts

198 months

Thursday 28th November 2024
quotequote all
R6tty said:
Vipers said:
I went to the supermarket this morning, cashier said my total was £350.75

I wanted a second opinion so I went to the self checkout and I was surprised to find it was only £50.75
Eh?
He didn’t put everything past the scanner… I guess.

Tye Green

831 posts

119 months

Friday 29th November 2024
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grumpy52

5,756 posts

176 months

Friday 29th November 2024
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A husband arrives home and sees his wife washing dishes.
He says, "Love, drop everything and let's have sex!"
The woman stops washing the dishes and happily begins to undress!
He says, "No, not here, baby, let's go to the park across the street and do something crazy for once!"
The woman gets excited and without a second thought opens the door and they run to the park across the street!
They are undressed and well “engaged” when suddenly a Policeman appears.
"What's going on here? Aren't you ashamed? I will fine you for indecent exposure." He says.
The husband complains but the Policeman will hear no excuses and proceeds to fine them.
A £30 fine for the husband and £100 fine for the lady.
"Why £30 for me and £100 for my wife?" asks the husband curiously.
The Policeman replies, "Sir, this is your first time..."

Vipers

33,168 posts

238 months

Friday 29th November 2024
quotequote all
grumpy52 said:
A husband arrives home and sees his wife washing dishes.
He says, "Love, drop everything and let's have sex!".................."
Nice one.

K87

3,852 posts

109 months

Friday 29th November 2024
quotequote all
Vipers said:
grumpy52 said:
A husband arrives home and sees his wife washing dishes.
He says, "Love, drop everything and let's have sex!".................."
Nice one.
I think that is where I have been going wrong, I would have waited until she had finished.

Sporky

7,751 posts

74 months

Friday 29th November 2024
quotequote all
K87 said:
I think that is where I have been going wrong, I would have waited until she had finished.
A gentleman always lets the lady finish first.

K87

3,852 posts

109 months

Friday 29th November 2024
quotequote all
Sporky said:
K87 said:
I think that is where I have been going wrong, I would have waited until she had finished.
A gentleman always lets the lady finish first.
As long as she does the drying up.

Still Mulling

13,772 posts

187 months

Friday 29th November 2024
quotequote all
K87 said:
Sporky said:
K87 said:
I think that is where I have been going wrong, I would have waited until she had finished.
A gentleman always lets the lady finish first.
As long as she does the drying up.
That somewhat prevents the remainder of the yarn.

MartG

21,430 posts

214 months

Friday 29th November 2024
quotequote all

grumpy52

5,756 posts

176 months

Friday 29th November 2024
quotequote all
K87 said:
Sporky said:
K87 said:
I think that is where I have been going wrong, I would have waited until she had finished.
A gentleman always lets the lady finish first.
As long as she does the drying up.
I could never understand the old saying that a gentleman used his knees and elbows .... then I discovered that girls were nice to play with !