Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Ponpiman]

One for the folk in Alabama

How do you know when your sister is on her period?

When your dad's willy tastes like blood

I'll ban myself

[silverfoxcc]

My friend Iain has just come back from the opticians. they told him he has one eye bigger than the ither

Edited by silverfoxcc on Saturday 25th March 07:46

[Nigel_O]

silverfoxcc said:

My fruend Iain has just come back from the opticians. they told him he has one eye bigger than the ither

He’s also missing one and got an extra one… ;-)

[silverfoxcc]

nigel, apparently you do not know that ither is scots for other..... but thanks for pointing it out

[Nigel_O]

silverfoxcc said:

nigel, apparently you do not know that ither is scots for other..... but thanks for pointing it out

No problem - all part of the service…. ;-) Had to check you weren’t setting me up for a whoosh parrot, but you’re absolutely right. Every day’s a school day!

[Dr Interceptor]

Ponpiman said:

One for the folk in Alabama

How do you know when your sister is on her period?

When your dad's willy tastes like blood

I'll ban myself

[ArmaghMan]

Ponpiman said:

One for the folk in Alabama

How do you know when your sister is on her period?

When your dad's willy tastes like blood

I'll ban myself

As they say in Alabama

You can divorce me if you want but you'll always be my sister

[Voldemort]

I first read the 'sister' joke in a rag mag that also contained this jem:


How do you castrate an Italian?

Kick his brother in the back of the head.

[Morningside]

Pixelpeep Electric said:

went to a very expensive cannibal restaurant last night - it was £50 a head!

Tell me about it, cost an arm and a leg!

[lord trumpton]

Ponpiman said:

One for the folk in Alabama

How do you know when your sister is on her period?

When your dad's willy tastes like blood

I'll ban myself

That's just vulgar mate - not in the slightest bit funny.

[john2443]

Last year I joined a support group for anti-social people.

We haven't met yet.

[john2443]

Posting here because it amused me and I don't recall thread for 'Stupid people with Sat Navs' or 'Only in America'

My satnav sometimes shows that I'm driving across a field, but only when the road is newer than the map update!

[silverfoxcc]

One for us oldies

A policeman was doing his rounds one night when he spots a car parked up in a well known 'lovers lane'
noticing that the car isn't as steamed up he wanders up and kncks on the drivers door

Back door opens and a lad gets out

Lad 'Yes Officer?'

PC Just wondering sir why you may be parked here?

Lad Lovers lane , is it a crime ?

PC' Well No it isnt' Then he suddenly sees a young lass also in the back knitting 'Excuse me ,but how old is that girl ?

Lad She is fifteen sir,

PC get a bit agitated thinking he may have an arrest here, 'And When, might i ask will she be sixteen ?

Lad looks at his watch and replies 'In about 7 minutes'

[glenrobbo]

john2443 said:

Posting here because it amused me and I don't recall thread for 'Stupid people with Sat Navs' or 'Only in America'

My satnav sometimes shows that I'm driving across a field, but only when the road is newer than the map update!

The "wenching out" cost seems rather excessive.
The farmer obviously saw him coming.

[Pixelpeep Electric]

Massive fight in my local pizza hut last night. I don't usually take sides but they were getting cold and i hate to see good food wasted.

[MartG]

A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail.

As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes:

- "Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?"

And the husband replies:

"Well, my love, what are you going to do?"

"Oh, Roger...! I spoke to the judge handling your case,"

"And what did he say, my love?"

"He told me that for every time I make love with him, he will reduce your prison sentence by one year..."

"What!!! What a miserable bd and what did you say to that son of a b**ch? "

" Oh, Roger! We'll talk about it at home, pick up your stuff, let's go… !!!"

[Wacky Racer]

Man and young blonde big breasted girl pull up in a secluded lovers lane,

Man, "OK, get in the back"

Girl "No"

Man, "Come on, get in the back"

Girl "No, I don't want"

Man "Come on, get in the back"

Girl "I've just said, no I don't want"

Man, getting frustrated with a massive hard on "Why not?"

Girl " 'Cos I want to stay in the front with you"

[Monkeylegend]

My son ended up in jail last night and created havoc.

He refused to eat his food, he covered the place with graffiti and then took all his clothes off and refused to talk to anyone.

We told him that if he continues to misbehave we will never play Monopoly with him again.

[grumpy52]

[GeneralBanter]

Wacky Racer said:

Man and young blonde big breasted girl pull up in a secluded lovers lane,

Man, "OK, get in the back"

Girl "No"

Man, "Come on, get in the back"

Girl "No, I don't want"

Man "Come on, get in the back"

Girl "I've just said, no I don't want"

Man, getting frustrated with a massive hard on "Why not?"

Girl " 'Cos I want to stay in the front with you"

Great first line, real proper stuff particulalry when some of it has nothing to do with the joke.


Well done!