Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Author
Discussion

mac96

4,763 posts

153 months

Sunday 12th January
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Rayny said:
GeneralBanter said:
Mandat said:
Who says that racist jokes can't be funny?
No idea haven’t seen on one here for ages.
I, and I'm sure many others, thought that Wacky Racers Chinese pirate was funny
Exactly. It's as much about preconceptions of what a professional pilot should look like as anything else.

Skyedriver

19,631 posts

292 months

Sunday 12th January
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Wacky Racer said:
Benny Hill is alive and well and living on PH. hurray!

grumpy52

5,763 posts

176 months

Monday 13th January
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My Nanna passed away recently at the grand age of 93 ,she went in the best way possible ,the way I want to go , she sat in the chair ,fell asleep but didn't wake up . Her dentist on the other hand crapped himself !

MartG

21,450 posts

214 months

Wednesday 15th January
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A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, Don't screw up."

MartG

21,450 posts

214 months

Wednesday 15th January
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A man is recovering from minor surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O.K., but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS "

Monkeylegend

27,424 posts

241 months

Wednesday 15th January
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Mandat said:
Who says that racist jokes can't be funny?
What's a lacist?

Still Mulling

13,829 posts

187 months

Wednesday 15th January
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MartG said:
A man is recovering from minor surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O.K., but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS "
hehe

Upinflames

1,771 posts

188 months

Wednesday 15th January
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GeneralBanter

1,157 posts

25 months

Wednesday 15th January
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Monkeylegend said:
Mandat said:
Who says that racist jokes can't be funny?
What's a lacist?
Someone who goes to Specsavers.

Laurel Green

30,888 posts

242 months

Thursday 16th January
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Monkeylegend

27,424 posts

241 months

Thursday 16th January
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Laurel Green said:
Looking at her you would have thought it would have been his.

MartG

21,450 posts

214 months

Thursday 16th January
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PomBstard

7,231 posts

252 months

Friday 17th January
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Laurel Green said:
Remember, behind every angry woman is a man who has no idea what he did wrong…

MartG

21,450 posts

214 months

Friday 17th January
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Erotic Short Stories for Premature Ejaculators…

Chapter 1. ‘WIND’

The wind gust caught her skirt.

THE END.

GloverMart

12,506 posts

225 months

Saturday 18th January
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Just seen a sign on the bookies door saying "Sunday : Open 11-4"

I'll have a tenner on that, he was open last Sunday!

silverfoxcc

7,878 posts

155 months

Saturday 18th January
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Weather report for tonights temperature was the Motown one

Expecting 3 degrees

4 Tops

GeneralBanter

1,157 posts

25 months

Saturday 18th January
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silverfoxcc said:
Weather report for tonights temperature was the Motown one

Expecting 3 degrees

4 Tops
Used in every shop I’ve been into, thanks.

Roofless Toothless

6,256 posts

142 months

Saturday 18th January
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I don’t think the Three Degrees ever recorded for Motown.

MarkwG

5,301 posts

199 months

Saturday 18th January
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Roofless Toothless said:
I don’t think the Three Degrees ever recorded for Motown.
Adding to the feline autopsy, Philadelphia rather than Detroit smile

motco

16,325 posts

256 months

Saturday 18th January
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silverfoxcc said:
Weather report for tonights temperature was the Motown one

Expecting 3 degrees

4 Tops
Excellent!