Depression

[227bhp]

mcelliott said:

I'm actually outside the UK mainland so we haven't got a NHS; however we do have a local health authority with an area set up for counselling. The dr has given me a questionnaire/forms to fill out, which are about three fking pages long, but because this department is so under resourced they may not even see me. However he did also give me some numbers for some very good private counsellors - I'm thinking of cutting to the chase and going straight to them instead, don't fancy waiting two or three weeks. This problem needs addressing now.

Yes if you feel that way then crack on, having made your mind up that you need to take this step and having the need and determination to do it is a very positive thing.
To put some perspective on it though where I live they told me 6 months to a year! When my time was nearly there they sent me a letter asking if I wanted to attend group therapy. As you can maybe imagine I did not want this and I was in such a dark place I didn't even bother replying thinking a non reply meant no.

A non reply meant to them I was ok.

They took me off the list.

Can you imagine how that felt? I was skint, no friends, family didn't care much, no partner. I was on my own and sinking slowly.
Yet there were still people worse off than me, I just didn't realise it or want to think about it. That's what it can do to you.

Anyhow, back to the rugby ball analogy, grab the fker and run with it, if you can get good counselling privately then do it.
Whilst you have to look after yourself don't forget those close to you, you have to be right to be able to look out for them, but you've also got to give a bit too. There will be some self pity, but don't let it take over, people will start walking away from you if you do. Keep talking to them, keep talking here if it helps.
The start of a journey, some days you'll take a step forwards, some days two back. Keep plugging away...

[mcelliott]

227bhp said:

mcelliott said:

I'm actually outside the UK mainland so we haven't got a NHS; however we do have a local health authority with an area set up for counselling. The dr has given me a questionnaire/forms to fill out, which are about three fking pages long, but because this department is so under resourced they may not even see me. However he did also give me some numbers for some very good private counsellors - I'm thinking of cutting to the chase and going straight to them instead, don't fancy waiting two or three weeks. This problem needs addressing now.

Yes if you feel that way then crack on, having made your mind up that you need to take this step and having the need and determination to do it is a very positive thing.
To put some perspective on it though where I live they told me 6 months to a year! When my time was nearly there they sent me a letter asking if I wanted to attend group therapy. As you can maybe imagine I did not want this and I was in such a dark place I didn't even bother replying thinking a non reply meant no.

A non reply meant to them I was ok.

They took me off the list.

Can you imagine how that felt? I was skint, no friends, family didn't care much, no partner. I was on my own and sinking slowly.
Yet there were still people worse off than me, I just didn't realise it or want to think about it. That's what it can do to you.

Anyhow, back to the rugby ball analogy, grab the fker and run with it, if you can get good counselling privately then do it.
Whilst you have to look after yourself don't forget those close to you, you have to be right to be able to look out for them, but you've also got to give a bit too. There will be some self pity, but don't let it take over, people will start walking away from you if you do. Keep talking to them, keep talking here if it helps.
The start of a journey, some days you'll take a step forwards, some days two back. Keep plugging away...

Thanks for your input - greatly appreciated. I can't imagine how it must feel to go through this without the support of family and friends - to be on your own...well I certainly couldn't do it. I will update in the near future, once again thank you very much.

[227bhp]

mcelliott said:

Thanks for your input - greatly appreciated. I can't imagine how it must feel to go through this without the support of family and friends - to be on your own...well I certainly couldn't do it. I will update in the near future, once again thank you very much.

Well thank you too . It sounds like you've been shouldering this for some time. It's a lengthy process (a big ball of tangled wool to unwind) and you'll go through many stages, many of which you won't recognise until you're out the other side. Best of luck with it.

[Animal]

mcelliott said:

I'm actually outside the UK mainland so we haven't got a NHS; however we do have a local health authority with an area set up for counselling. The dr has given me a questionnaire/forms to fill out, which are about three fking pages long, but because this department is so under resourced they may not even see me. However he did also give me some numbers for some very good private counsellors - I'm thinking of cutting to the chase and going straight to them instead, don't fancy waiting two or three weeks. This problem needs addressing now.

A bit of info about private therapy (something which I'm learning a bit about):
- therapists are a bit like yoga instructors in that they all seem to have their own version of how they want to practice. A bit of research can give you a steer as to the kind of therapy sessions you might think are most helpful. For me, psychodynamic therapy seems most applicable. Link here: http://www.bacp.co.uk/student/modalities.php
- your first therapy session is very much like a job interview or a first date. Be honest with yourself about what you're looking for: would you be more comfortable talking to a man or a woman? Someone younger or someone older? You're going to have to talk about a lot of deep stuff with this person, so be sure you feel comfortable doing so.
- cost: an hourly rate can be around £70, but if the therapist is keen to work with you and you can't afford their asking rate then there can be a conversation to be had.
- frequency: they may well want to see you weekly. Is that something you can commit to?

It's a cliche, but the first step is deciding that you want help with something. Good luck, and remember that you're being proactive in improving your health and well-being.

[xjay1337]

al1991 said:

xjay1337 said:

It felt like we spent half of the time remaining discussing why I was late and how it's not really acceptable or showing commitment.
I didn't take it personally but I was annoyed and frustrated that it seemed like she thought I didn't want to be there, when i did.
At my own admission as well, I did not fully complete the "homework" assgined.

This involved keeping a record of things which have caused my low mood and anxiety and the thoughts and feelings that I have during these episodes.
I recorded 2 instances but the sheet had 8 spaces so the therapist was disappointed. I was honest and said that I simply had not prioritised the time to do it.

She has said that following our next appointment (which is the Tuesday after this one) that we are having 3 trial sessions and if I do not complete the "homework" and do not show up on time then she will put me on the waiting list which means another 6 months wait before additional help. Alternatively another therapist may be available in evening times.

Fair enough I guess.

The rest of the session was spent looking into why I suffer low moods which is primarily it appears linked with anxiety.
I'm on the fence about whether it's useful for me personally.

As I am explaining my thoughts and feelings the therapist she is telling me that I am good and understanding my thoughts and feelings.
I feel like I can explain what's going on in my head but I cannot explain why it's going on and that can be frustrating at times, feeling like you are not in control of your own mind.

We'll see what happens at the next meeting.

Sounds as though you've had a good attitude towards the whole thing. I suppose it's fair enough on the homework not being done but I do think I would be a bit disappointed by the use of therapy time to discuss being 7 minutes late.

She asked me how I felt about her challenging me. I said to her pretty much exactly what I said above that I felt we spent a lot of time on it, and for her to understand that I have some pressures on me from the Mrs, friends and work etc and that sometimes if I'm 10 mins late for something that's just me.

I had my next session this last Tuesday after a much needed week away.

We spent a lot of it looking into my past and more detail about growing up, what it was like, what my relationship was like with my parents, siblings, my education. etc etc.

A lot of what the therapist focused on was my relationship with my Mother (which was not good to say the least) and the feelings and thoughts I had at the time, and the fact that I tend to brush off a lot of things that happens to me, I often say "other people have it worse" or "well, that's life".
apparently that's not very healthy.

One thing I find hard is that how I look back at a situation that happened 6, 8 , 10 + years ago may now be different to how I looked at it at the time and it's very hard tor me to decipher what I felt then and what I feel now looking back . I feel old.

As time goes on I feel I can talk more openly as I grow more comfortable with the therapist.

for my homework this time, I have to fill in a form with the 3 most significant moments in my life. One is easy, moving/being kicked out. The others I need to decide whether I'm able to open up / decide / process what is the worst. We will see

Just a reminder: this is face to face CBT therapy through the TalkingTherapies site, rather than the online stuff. The 3 or 4 hours I've spent so far with her have been immeasurably more useful than the online rubbish you get.

Hope everyone else is doing well. Easier said than done I know!

[johnwilliams77]

xjay1337 said:

She asked me how I felt about her challenging me. I said to her pretty much exactly what I said above that I felt we spent a lot of time on it, and for her to understand that I have some pressures on me from the Mrs, friends and work etc and that sometimes if I'm 10 mins late for something that's just me.

I had my next session this last Tuesday after a much needed week away.

We spent a lot of it looking into my past and more detail about growing up, what it was like, what my relationship was like with my parents, siblings, my education. etc etc.

A lot of what the therapist focused on was my relationship with my Mother (which was not good to say the least) and the feelings and thoughts I had at the time, and the fact that I tend to brush off a lot of things that happens to me, I often say "other people have it worse" or "well, that's life".
apparently that's not very healthy.

One thing I find hard is that how I look back at a situation that happened 6, 8 , 10 + years ago may now be different to how I looked at it at the time and it's very hard tor me to decipher what I felt then and what I feel now looking back . I feel old.

As time goes on I feel I can talk more openly as I grow more comfortable with the therapist.

for my homework this time, I have to fill in a form with the 3 most significant moments in my life. One is easy, moving/being kicked out. The others I need to decide whether I'm able to open up / decide / process what is the worst. We will see

Just a reminder: this is face to face CBT therapy through the TalkingTherapies site, rather than the online stuff. The 3 or 4 hours I've spent so far with her have been immeasurably more useful than the online rubbish you get.

Hope everyone else is doing well. Easier said than done I know!

Do you find that talking about all of the past is helping? There are some theories / books on depression that believe it is not so useful to talk so heavily on the past and spend more time talking about the future. Clearly, some people it helps, some people - perhaps not.

[xjay1337]

johnwilliams77 said:

Do you find that talking about all of the past is helping? There are some theories / books on depression that believe it is not so useful to talk so heavily on the past and spend more time talking about the future. Clearly, some people it helps, some people - perhaps not.

Not really to be honest, and I have said this. But I guess the therapist lady wants an insight into my past which could have lead to me developing my thought patterns etc.

I'm personally at peace with my past. Things that have happened I'm sure had an effect. But I know full well I cannot change the past. And I'm such a different person now than I was even 5 years ago.

I am not sure how arguing with my mum or being kicked out or any of the other things that have happened in my past would impact me now, given (at least consciously) I have "left it in the past" so to speak.

[weeboot]

warning | Brain dump approaching.

If you’ve used a computer for any period of time, at some point you’ll have seen the infamous BSOD, the Blue Screen Of Death. This generally happens due to a lack of resources, or a conflict between operations attempting to use the same piece of memory. Ultimately, it’s a computer getting into a situation which it cannot “think” it’s way out of in a rational, binary, way.

Now imagine if that happened to your brain, your mind. Insufficient resources to deal with the request, you may have seen that as a computer user. Unfortunately, the mind doesn’t generate error messages, it would be fking handy if it did, at least then one could diagnose issues with slightly more certainty.

It happened to me a few weeks ago, I ran out of resources, mentally. I guess you can call it a nervous breakdown, a collapse, or any other term for just hitting the wall, having nothing left. There was a definite moment when things came to a head, and it’s the most ridiculous of things. I woke at 0400 needing a pee, so got up and went to the bathroom, in the dark, walking through the dining room to the kitchen I stepped on a slug. Quite what a slug was doing in my dining room, I’ve no idea, but I stepped on it none-the-less, getting slug between the toes of my right foot. It was foul, utterly foul. I washed my feet and went about going to the loo and heading back up to bed, but I was awake now, fully awake and began to fall into a deep, deep, fug. By 0900 I knew that I was in a bad situation and made a call to the doctors for an appointment, fortunately they agreed to see me the following morning.

I wrapped myself in a duvet and fell into catatonia. I had nothing left.

I’m still trying to understand exactly what led me to that particular moment, where something so, seemingly, innocuous, could trigger a collapse. I guess it was the stereotypical straw to the camel’s back.

And now, several weeks down the line, I’m sat looking at the future and attempting to understand where I go now, waiting for several referrals to run their course, for the triage from a variety of services to kick into action.

It’s at this point where people begin to recommend soul searching, examining your life, thinking about yourself. It’s a great piece of advice, I’m sure it is, but after a life of, whilst perhaps not appearing to, attempting to please other people, it’s somewhat tricky to spin the lens inwards. In fact, I find it damn near impossible.

To use another comparison, imagine standing in the centre of a maze, a large and complex maze, picture the scene, not a desolate space, but not the most inviting of environs. You can see that there are ten routes out of the centre of the maze, you know that each of those routes will have potential to be the exit, to have the answers. You also know that exploring the routes, even those which aren’t the exit, will provide insight into the construction of the maze, perhaps even an impression of the architect of the labyrinth. With an open mind, ready to accept whatever may come next, you attempt to use one of the exits, but there’s a problem, you don’t know how to walk. You don’t know how to walk.

You’ve no idea how to walk.

And typing that makes my shoulders fall and my brain heavy. I know that I am in a very different place to that which I was a few weeks ago, I’m not catatonic, for a start, but I also know that I am a very, very, long way away from where I need to be.

Another cliché is the whole “I need to find myself” deal. It’s true, I do need to find myself, but, much like not being able to walk, I’ve no idea where to look to find myself.

I’m sure, if I were able to start traversing the twists and turns of the maze, I’d begin to find parts of me, but as it stands, I can’t walk and I’m wearing blinkers.

Looking back to this happening before, about two years ago, I’m conscious that things build to a certain level, almost being manageable, until a trigger point is hit which pushes me “over the edge”, I do wish I could write without such cliché. That trigger point seems to be a very variable thing, but generally there is a point of high stress, prior to a final act which serves as the tipping point. I’m certain that part of my journey forwards is developing an ability to spot these triggers in advance and not, as I have done in the past, forget about it and let my guard down. It’s all too easy for me to think that I’m ok, I’m great at papering over the cracks and just cracking on with life, but it leaves a terrible, unfulfilled, emptiness beneath it which sits in wait, like a man-trap in a forest.

I don’t know what the next step is, a lot of recommendations have come for talking therapy, so I’ll see what the NHS has to offer in the coming months. I’m conscious that there is a very big stress point coming up in a week, my daughter is going in for some substantial surgery, I know that it’s going to be hard and I know that I’ll deal with it via autopilot, and can only cross my fingers that I’ll be strong enough to pull myself through it.

[Saleen836]

Will we see the following being looked into with more detail to benefit those who suffer?
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/10/14/magic-m...

[xjay1337]

Not sure I'd fancy trying them tbh.

[rovermorris999]

I've had them a few times many moons ago when young and foolish. A wholly pleasant experience with no discernible side effects for me. I felt euphoric and found everything funny. Not a recommendation of course and I am not a doctor etc etc.

[mcelliott]

So just a quick update - I had my first session of therapy yesterday with my counsellor. On the whole it was a largely positive experience - well as positive as it can be I guess. She allowed me to talk at free will for long periods and looked at finer detail at tracking my early life and all the stuff that went on, and gave me a better understanding, albeit we're at a very early stage of proceedings. My mood has been pretty dire if I'm honest, particularly my temper which is volcanic at best, then throw into the mix self pity, anxiety, yep. Stuff like that. Sometimes I feel like my brain is going to explode - I'm guessing this is quite normal, but it's also very exhausting.

Not really looking forward to this weekend as my wife is away in the UK and it's my Mum's birthday. There is a dinner being held for her that I won't be attending - just not ready for a reconciliation, the fact is we're a million miles away from it right now - I don't even know where to start. Still lots of anger.

[FocusRS3]

mcelliott said:

So just a quick update - I had my first session of therapy yesterday with my counsellor. On the whole it was a largely positive experience - well as positive as it can be I guess. She allowed me to talk at free will for long periods and looked at finer detail at tracking my early life and all the stuff that went on, and gave me a better understanding, albeit we're at a very early stage of proceedings. My mood has been pretty dire if I'm honest, particularly my temper which is volcanic at best, then throw into the mix self pity, anxiety, yep. Stuff like that. Sometimes I feel like my brain is going to explode - I'm guessing this is quite normal, but it's also very exhausting.

Not really looking forward to this weekend as my wife is away in the UK and it's my Mum's birthday. There is a dinner being held for her that I won't be attending - just not ready for a reconciliation, the fact is we're a million miles away from it right now - I don't even know where to start. Still lots of anger.

Hope you got through the weekend . I find being along at times isn't the best scenario , I tend to run problems through my head that don't yet exist .

[mcelliott]

FocusRS3 said:

mcelliott said:

So just a quick update - I had my first session of therapy yesterday with my counsellor. On the whole it was a largely positive experience - well as positive as it can be I guess. She allowed me to talk at free will for long periods and looked at finer detail at tracking my early life and all the stuff that went on, and gave me a better understanding, albeit we're at a very early stage of proceedings. My mood has been pretty dire if I'm honest, particularly my temper which is volcanic at best, then throw into the mix self pity, anxiety, yep. Stuff like that. Sometimes I feel like my brain is going to explode - I'm guessing this is quite normal, but it's also very exhausting.

Not really looking forward to this weekend as my wife is away in the UK and it's my Mum's birthday. There is a dinner being held for her that I won't be attending - just not ready for a reconciliation, the fact is we're a million miles away from it right now - I don't even know where to start. Still lots of anger.

Hope you got through the weekend . I find being along at times isn't the best scenario , I tend to run problems through my head that don't yet exist .

Yeah things went ok in the end thank you very much, managed to keep myself busy in the garden and walks with my son and plenty of exercise. Feeling a bit more like myself recently, but with another session of counselling on Monday. Off to the UK mainland with my family for a few days, really nice to get away from it all.

[FocusRS3]

Great stuff Marcus pleased to hear it .
My wife is big on the power of positive thoughts so at times hits me with getting rid of negative ones and it does help on a daily basis .

Being able to escape the situations by going somewhere different I always find helps.
Last summer I found playing cricket enabled me to switch off for an afternoon which helped enormously .

[oobster]

How is everyone doing? Me, not so great this last week/10 days, having trouble staying asleep at night. I can get to sleep no problem (the Mrs is having a go because I want to go to bed early'ish and she wants to stay up) but I am waking in the middle of the night with work thoughts running through my head at a thousand miles an hour.

That then makes me tired and irritable all through the next day, and so the cycle repeats itself.

Have any of you taken a huge drop in pay just to be happier in a less stressful job?

[Wacky Racer]

oobster said:

How is everyone doing? Me, not so great this last week/10 days, having trouble staying asleep at night. I can get to sleep no problem (the Mrs is having a go because I want to go to bed early'ish and she wants to stay up) but I am waking in the middle of the night with work thoughts running through my head at a thousand miles an hour.

That then makes me tired and irritable all through the next day, and so the cycle repeats itself.

Might seem obvious but have you talked to your wife about your problem/s? Don't suffer in silence, there's help out there, even on here.

You may not think so now, but you will get better and emerge from the dark tunnel.

Hang on in there.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

[Ruskie]

Wacky Racer said:

oobster said:

How is everyone doing? Me, not so great this last week/10 days, having trouble staying asleep at night. I can get to sleep no problem (the Mrs is having a go because I want to go to bed early'ish and she wants to stay up) but I am waking in the middle of the night with work thoughts running through my head at a thousand miles an hour.

That then makes me tired and irritable all through the next day, and so the cycle repeats itself.

Might seem obvious but have you talked to your wife about your problem/s? Don't suffer in silence, there's help out there, even on here.

You may not think so now, but you will get better and emerge from the dark tunnel.

Hang on in there.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

Still the best video I have seen on showing people what depression is like if they don’t understand it fully.

I’m struggling at the moment. Lethargy and hypersomnia followed by being unable to settle. All aspects of my life I would rate as poor/could be better but I feel trapped in finding ways of improving them. I know I need to push through but I just don’t have the energy. Falling into bad habits that aren’t helping. My self loathing is at an all time high and yet I carry on putting the mask on and acting like life is good.

• Ding Ding* Round 10...time to drag myself off the canvas and go on....

[FocusRS3]

Ruskie said:

Still the best video I have seen on showing people what depression is like if they don’t understand it fully.

I’m struggling at the moment. Lethargy and hypersomnia followed by being unable to settle. All aspects of my life I would rate as poor/could be better but I feel trapped in finding ways of improving them. I know I need to push through but I just don’t have the energy. Falling into bad habits that aren’t helping. My self loathing is at an all time high and yet I carry on putting the mask on and acting like life is good.

• Ding Ding* Round 10...time to drag myself off the canvas and go on....

Funny I stumbled across that video last week .

In terms of help it seems so many are on anti depressants nowadays I'd thought of going to the docs giving them a go too but I've w reluctance to become dependant on pills .

Is wanting to escape all part of depression ?

I'm putting on such a false face at work which I know I can't keep up forever and it's probably evident I hate the job now .
My wife is right that I have everything most would want and to keep thinking positive thoughts or the negative ones will consume me but I just don't find it that simple .
She even had a book called 'The Secret' that she reads regularly and sends me snapshots .

My worrying about supporting and providing for my family is what makes me depressed so I can't see how reading a book on positive thoughts is going to change that but then maybe this is the state I've got myself into .

[Wacky Racer]

FocusRS3 said:

Funny I stumbled across that video last week .

In terms of help it seems so many are on anti depressants nowadays I'd thought of going to the docs giving them a go too but I've w reluctance to become dependant on pills .

Is wanting to escape all part of depression ?

I'm putting on such a false face at work which I know I can't keep up forever and it's probably evident I hate the job now .
My wife is right that I have everything most would want and to keep thinking positive thoughts or the negative ones will consume me but I just don't find it that simple .
She even had a book called 'The Secret' that she reads regularly and sends me snapshots .

My worrying about supporting and providing for my family is what makes me depressed so I can't see how reading a book on positive thoughts is going to change that but then maybe this is the state I've got myself into .

Seriously, get yourself to the docs ASAP.

There's no shame in depression, it's an illness just like any other.

There are no wonder cures, any medication might take 3-4 weeks to kick in, but honestly, in most cases they do help and are NOT addictive.

Your wife sounds like a star........do it for her.

You'll be fine and in a year or so all this will be a distant memory, life's a marathon, not a sprint. Take each day as it comes.