How do you get someone to seek help from a doctor?
Discussion
This is a bit of a weird situation, but it's way out of anything I've ever had to deal with and would like some advice.
Last night my sister phoned me in tears, begging me to talk to our mother and try to make her see sense. Recently her neighbour has had work done to their house, they've extended out the front and out the back. They've finished the front extension, and part of the work they've done has involved them directing the downpipe of the eve guttering to a drain which sits between both of the houses. Now this is a shared drain, they're entitled to do it. But, apparently, my mom insists they're doing it to "flood her house" and "force her to move".
This paranoia isn't a new thing with my mom. For as long as I can remember she's had this paranoia to varying degrees. Our dad (now since deceased) used to drink, and he'd often spend evenings in the pub. Our mom would be telling us stories about how he'd be pissed when we were babies, how bad of a man he was, and how he had bugged the house. We're talking early/mid 90's and I'm about 6 years old.
Recently, well in the last 3 years since my Dad's death, it's gotten worse. My mom is adamant that the neighbours want to "poison the dog" because they don't like her. She's a lovely, albeit big, staffy who hardly ever makes a sound. She doesn't bark at all. The neighbours, also, haven't done anything to try and kill the dog. The worst thing they have done is that the kids will be outside shouting "woof!" to annoy the dog, but the dog doesn't go for it.
From the conversation I had with my sister last night, they had an argument and mom flew off the handle in a fit of rage. She's accusing my sister of siding with the neighbours, selfish, being horrible. She also told my sister to stop talking about the neighbours as they're listening in to their conversations. I don't know how, she doesn't know how, but mom is adamant that they're listening in. The dog then barked at something at the TV, mom went histerical because she said the neighbours will call the council and get the dog put down for being noisy.
That's a very simplified, to the point description of what's happening with my mom. It's also struck a cord with me, because in my own head I've suffered similar issues. Not to the point of paranoia, but I've been anxious over things that really aren't an issue or don't exist. My mental health has been bad since the death of my Dad, where I've been anxious, I've had attacks of rage and losing my temper over nothing. I also know that since I've been going to the doctors and going through the process of trying to bring it all back under control, those issues have gone. I don't know if I'm projecting or not, but I honestly feel that my mom isn't well mentally and that she needs help to bring her back to normal.
The issue though, according to my sister again, is that even she has suggested that mom sees a doctor. But mom goes off on one, gets hostile about it, says there's nothing wrong with her or that my sister is being a "bully" and accusing her of being mental.
I promised my sister I'd call my mom today when I got home from work and try and put her mind at ease about the drain pipe and the neighbours. But I really want to try and get her to see a doctor or something, because even though we've always known our mom to be paranoid, this is a new level of paranoia and it's something that she shouldn't have to be suffering with.
But how do I do it? How can I convince her to see someone? I've contemplated telling my mom about my own depression - she doesn't know, haven't told her because I didn't want to add to her issues - and use that as a "well I've felt like you have, it's not normal, but I went to the doctor and I've been brilliant since".
I just don't know.
Last night my sister phoned me in tears, begging me to talk to our mother and try to make her see sense. Recently her neighbour has had work done to their house, they've extended out the front and out the back. They've finished the front extension, and part of the work they've done has involved them directing the downpipe of the eve guttering to a drain which sits between both of the houses. Now this is a shared drain, they're entitled to do it. But, apparently, my mom insists they're doing it to "flood her house" and "force her to move".
This paranoia isn't a new thing with my mom. For as long as I can remember she's had this paranoia to varying degrees. Our dad (now since deceased) used to drink, and he'd often spend evenings in the pub. Our mom would be telling us stories about how he'd be pissed when we were babies, how bad of a man he was, and how he had bugged the house. We're talking early/mid 90's and I'm about 6 years old.
Recently, well in the last 3 years since my Dad's death, it's gotten worse. My mom is adamant that the neighbours want to "poison the dog" because they don't like her. She's a lovely, albeit big, staffy who hardly ever makes a sound. She doesn't bark at all. The neighbours, also, haven't done anything to try and kill the dog. The worst thing they have done is that the kids will be outside shouting "woof!" to annoy the dog, but the dog doesn't go for it.
From the conversation I had with my sister last night, they had an argument and mom flew off the handle in a fit of rage. She's accusing my sister of siding with the neighbours, selfish, being horrible. She also told my sister to stop talking about the neighbours as they're listening in to their conversations. I don't know how, she doesn't know how, but mom is adamant that they're listening in. The dog then barked at something at the TV, mom went histerical because she said the neighbours will call the council and get the dog put down for being noisy.
That's a very simplified, to the point description of what's happening with my mom. It's also struck a cord with me, because in my own head I've suffered similar issues. Not to the point of paranoia, but I've been anxious over things that really aren't an issue or don't exist. My mental health has been bad since the death of my Dad, where I've been anxious, I've had attacks of rage and losing my temper over nothing. I also know that since I've been going to the doctors and going through the process of trying to bring it all back under control, those issues have gone. I don't know if I'm projecting or not, but I honestly feel that my mom isn't well mentally and that she needs help to bring her back to normal.
The issue though, according to my sister again, is that even she has suggested that mom sees a doctor. But mom goes off on one, gets hostile about it, says there's nothing wrong with her or that my sister is being a "bully" and accusing her of being mental.
I promised my sister I'd call my mom today when I got home from work and try and put her mind at ease about the drain pipe and the neighbours. But I really want to try and get her to see a doctor or something, because even though we've always known our mom to be paranoid, this is a new level of paranoia and it's something that she shouldn't have to be suffering with.
But how do I do it? How can I convince her to see someone? I've contemplated telling my mom about my own depression - she doesn't know, haven't told her because I didn't want to add to her issues - and use that as a "well I've felt like you have, it's not normal, but I went to the doctor and I've been brilliant since".
I just don't know.
Tricky one.
Unless someone can be proved to lack mental capacity there's nothing that can force them to see a Doc.
As a starting point, I'd suggest you need to establish if your mum recognises her behaviour as "normal" or not.
By that I mean does she actually consider the way she feels to be the appropriate (albeit undesirable) reaction to her situation, or can she recognise and admit, to herself as much as anyone, that she's essentially over-reacting but maybe just can't understand why.
If it's the latter, you've got something to work on as you can then start to suggest she seeks help.
If it's the former, you've got an uphill struggle.
If someone really believes they're the normal one and everyone else is the problem then it can get very, very trying.
Whether you disclose your own experience is a bit of a judgement call that only you can make.
It might add to her condition, or it might make her accept that seeking help or advice isn't anything to be ashamed of.
ETA: I use the word "normal" in a very loose context. Normal varies from person to person and you have to remember some people are actually happy with being unhappy.
Unless someone can be proved to lack mental capacity there's nothing that can force them to see a Doc.
As a starting point, I'd suggest you need to establish if your mum recognises her behaviour as "normal" or not.
By that I mean does she actually consider the way she feels to be the appropriate (albeit undesirable) reaction to her situation, or can she recognise and admit, to herself as much as anyone, that she's essentially over-reacting but maybe just can't understand why.
If it's the latter, you've got something to work on as you can then start to suggest she seeks help.
If it's the former, you've got an uphill struggle.
If someone really believes they're the normal one and everyone else is the problem then it can get very, very trying.
Whether you disclose your own experience is a bit of a judgement call that only you can make.
It might add to her condition, or it might make her accept that seeking help or advice isn't anything to be ashamed of.
ETA: I use the word "normal" in a very loose context. Normal varies from person to person and you have to remember some people are actually happy with being unhappy.
Edited by anonymous-user on Wednesday 17th January 14:05
I know someone whose mother is similar, always has been, definite issue but nobody dare suggest it as she would be raging, everyone is out to get her, everyones motives are devious, coupled with hoarding behavior and having to control everything and everybody.
I would speak to a specialist and explain the details and get their take on how to approach it, Paranoia manifests itself in a load of different personality disorders, very complex and no two are identical.
I would speak to a specialist and explain the details and get their take on how to approach it, Paranoia manifests itself in a load of different personality disorders, very complex and no two are identical.
Thank you both for your advice.
I've spoken to my sister yesterday, and I said instead of calling my mom to discuss it I'll pop round. I've got to fit a light for her anyway so it's a good excuse. We'll both be there, and I think going down a route of asking her whether she thinks her reactions are normal and not over-reactions.
I probably won't tell her about my own experience until it gets to a point of "if all else fails". It might jolt her in to thinking it's OK to say there's a problem and that help can be got.
I've spoken to my sister yesterday, and I said instead of calling my mom to discuss it I'll pop round. I've got to fit a light for her anyway so it's a good excuse. We'll both be there, and I think going down a route of asking her whether she thinks her reactions are normal and not over-reactions.
I probably won't tell her about my own experience until it gets to a point of "if all else fails". It might jolt her in to thinking it's OK to say there's a problem and that help can be got.
Write or call her GP they are the primary care giver
My sister and brother in law have been through this recently with his mum , very similar , claiming people were stealing money and setting one sibling against the other , very upsetting and getting help can be a long uphill process
Best of luck
My sister and brother in law have been through this recently with his mum , very similar , claiming people were stealing money and setting one sibling against the other , very upsetting and getting help can be a long uphill process
Best of luck
I went round at the weekend like I said, what I wanted to do was get her in to a conversation about the things my sister mentioned but without mentioning my sister. I wanted her to volunteer the issues.
She didn't really go off on one about it, but there were moments when she'd say "They always get their own way, they're dangerous" (in reference to the neighbours). I asked her why she thought that, she said that's what "they" are like. "Have they threatened you or anything like that?". She said no. I would then say does she think it's rational to think like that, she wouldn't say no but she didn't say yes either.
I didn't mention my own depression to her either, and my sister didn't really want to be around my mom as their relationship is strained (my sister lives at home with her). Both of them are stubborn and back bite each other. When my sister wasn't around my mom would b
h about my sister in a fairly vicious way. When I asked what she had done, mom went off on a tangent about how she does her cooking etc etc - however anyone with an Irish mom will testify, Irish mothers don't let or like their children cook!
So it really didn't go to plan and quite difficult to get anything going at all. I'm going around again Saturday to fit a washing machine for her, so I'll try it again.
I would rather she sought the help herself, rather than me notifying doctors etc. It would make it a lot easier in the long run I think if she did it that way. I think if I go behind her back to her GP or anything like that she might take it as either I'm out to get her or I've betrayed her.
She didn't really go off on one about it, but there were moments when she'd say "They always get their own way, they're dangerous" (in reference to the neighbours). I asked her why she thought that, she said that's what "they" are like. "Have they threatened you or anything like that?". She said no. I would then say does she think it's rational to think like that, she wouldn't say no but she didn't say yes either.
I didn't mention my own depression to her either, and my sister didn't really want to be around my mom as their relationship is strained (my sister lives at home with her). Both of them are stubborn and back bite each other. When my sister wasn't around my mom would b
h about my sister in a fairly vicious way. When I asked what she had done, mom went off on a tangent about how she does her cooking etc etc - however anyone with an Irish mom will testify, Irish mothers don't let or like their children cook!So it really didn't go to plan and quite difficult to get anything going at all. I'm going around again Saturday to fit a washing machine for her, so I'll try it again.
I would rather she sought the help herself, rather than me notifying doctors etc. It would make it a lot easier in the long run I think if she did it that way. I think if I go behind her back to her GP or anything like that she might take it as either I'm out to get her or I've betrayed her.
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