Wife's parents, dementia, care, stubbornness
Discussion
I know there was a long and good thread here somewhere offering advice about getting a care home organised.....can't find it.
Our position.
MIL is in a bad way mentally. Good physically. Long history of psychosis and now has dementia. It's getting worse day by day. Not yet at the pooping herself level but it's been possibly months since she showered.
She (78 years of age) is very close to not being able to be living in her house with....
Her husband.
Has horrific sciatica. Mentally good however.
The house was his parents. He was born there doesn't want to leave.
(Yes, for the financially astute....the house was transferred to my wife @9years ago)
We decided at the weekend we would buy them an apartment. You know, the sort with a pull cord for the warden. Her father is against the idea. But accepting.
Then, this evening it's just hit us that MIL will fail the dementia test.
So, what to do? If she goes into a care home (which she needs) he won't leave the house. He's barely able to move around and like MIL hasn't washed properly in months. Which I guess could well count as mental illness.
Social services have said they're getting involved but we haven't heard a fat lot.
This evening wife has taken a distressed call as they haven't eaten. He is having a bad day and can barely move. And her mother is also having a bad day seemingly just shaking and muttering 'sorry' over and over.
What the feck do we do?
We have young children. Zero other family (either of us). Wife has her own issues to manage and we both have pressured jobs.
It's hit us that this evening is a sign of what's coming. But if she goes into care he won't go with her 'wont live in a place like that'. And he'd be a danger to himself on his own in the house. He is 77. Forgetful, and it takes fifteen minutes to get up/down the stairs.
It's a matter of time before something serious happens to one of them.
Wife is worried sick.
Suggestions?
Our position.
MIL is in a bad way mentally. Good physically. Long history of psychosis and now has dementia. It's getting worse day by day. Not yet at the pooping herself level but it's been possibly months since she showered.
She (78 years of age) is very close to not being able to be living in her house with....
Her husband.
Has horrific sciatica. Mentally good however.
The house was his parents. He was born there doesn't want to leave.
(Yes, for the financially astute....the house was transferred to my wife @9years ago)
We decided at the weekend we would buy them an apartment. You know, the sort with a pull cord for the warden. Her father is against the idea. But accepting.
Then, this evening it's just hit us that MIL will fail the dementia test.
So, what to do? If she goes into a care home (which she needs) he won't leave the house. He's barely able to move around and like MIL hasn't washed properly in months. Which I guess could well count as mental illness.
Social services have said they're getting involved but we haven't heard a fat lot.
This evening wife has taken a distressed call as they haven't eaten. He is having a bad day and can barely move. And her mother is also having a bad day seemingly just shaking and muttering 'sorry' over and over.
What the feck do we do?
We have young children. Zero other family (either of us). Wife has her own issues to manage and we both have pressured jobs.
It's hit us that this evening is a sign of what's coming. But if she goes into care he won't go with her 'wont live in a place like that'. And he'd be a danger to himself on his own in the house. He is 77. Forgetful, and it takes fifteen minutes to get up/down the stairs.
It's a matter of time before something serious happens to one of them.
Wife is worried sick.
Suggestions?
- Just off the top of my head having gone through slightly similar for my parents over the last few years, and general ramble as I've only half read your OP
Social services care needs assessment is the first thing needed. Get into the local council now and chase chase chase, get their councillor/ MP copied in on stuff to get in the system- they can be brilliant once you get the right person. They'll help to define what each parent needs- including potential home adaptions and can provide some funding towards it, potentially via direct payments for care then you can manage sorting their care via an agency At the same time (if you've not already) get applications in for attendance allowance for both of them- its not means tested and even if the cash isn't necessarily needed it opens a lot of doors for other help (even blue badges for parking when getting them around)
Age UK can also be really helpful
also make sure your own GP and employers are aware of yours and your wife's caring responsibilities, and your employers
edit: pm me if you want and I'll forward you the email of what I did as a bit of a tick list. Not dementia but old age health issues with mine
Social services care needs assessment is the first thing needed. Get into the local council now and chase chase chase, get their councillor/ MP copied in on stuff to get in the system- they can be brilliant once you get the right person. They'll help to define what each parent needs- including potential home adaptions and can provide some funding towards it, potentially via direct payments for care then you can manage sorting their care via an agency At the same time (if you've not already) get applications in for attendance allowance for both of them- its not means tested and even if the cash isn't necessarily needed it opens a lot of doors for other help (even blue badges for parking when getting them around)
Age UK can also be really helpful
also make sure your own GP and employers are aware of yours and your wife's caring responsibilities, and your employers
edit: pm me if you want and I'll forward you the email of what I did as a bit of a tick list. Not dementia but old age health issues with mine
Edited by hajaba123 on Monday 6th January 20:40
Edited by hajaba123 on Monday 6th January 20:44
Rockets7 said:
Dementia is awful. Heartfelt sympathies.
^ This. Very sorry.A few threads I've found which may be helpful:
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Best of luck to you and your wife.
Also - Dementia UK have specialist nurses (Admiral Nurses)
https://www.dementiauk.org/information-and-support...
https://www.dementiauk.org/information-and-support...
https://www.dementiauk.org/information-and-support...
https://www.dementiauk.org/information-and-support...
LuckyThirteen said:
Home visits I think is where it's heading.
How on earth do we influence getting the ball rolling?
My utmost sympathies. We have gone through similar with both my Grandmother and FIL over the last couple of years. In our experience the window where home visits are a suitable solution was very short, so you may need to consider the next step as well. Even with 4 visits a day we still had serious concerns. How on earth do we influence getting the ball rolling?
I'm not saying it won't work for you, but it's probably worth having another long term solution in mind.
My dad's story is partially told in the last link posted above. We had our suspicions for years. My mother separated from him in 2002 because he was driving her crazy. Looking back it was clear he had early symptoms.
Lessons I have learnt. A lot of people involved have been amazing. But, the process is not. Start with the assessment. As mentioned in that other thread my fathers assessment was "Yup, he's got impairment. But, we knew that didn't we? Eees got bloody dementia. Not much we can do about that.".
It is the start of the process and is required. They will then start making connections. My dad's local council had specialists who would talk to me for as long as I needed. If they were not the right person they ensure a warm hand off to the person I needed to speak to.
My advice is to try and be eyes open and plan for the future. It is easy for me to say this now but reading my posts on those other threads I now know how naïve I was about the next steps.
We started off having home visits which was successful for a couple of years. I am very grateful to everyone that was involved to make this work. We ended up with 5 people visiting a day.
I was very happy I had a path to the end which would play out as symptoms worsened. The apartment was attached to a home. That plan fell apart when the owner of the apartment he was in died very unexpectedly and the people who inherited wanted to sell (understandably). At the same moment, my dad had a step change in symptoms and he had to be moved to a home. We went from one track to something we had not considered before in less than a week.. We found a place that promised to be the new path very quickly and he was moved there.
2 months later it was clear the home had over promised and they dumped him at the hospital. In the process he was sectioned. This changed everything and took control from us. It was a relief.
Oh, final piece of advice based on experience. It can be tough. My brother became very frustrated because he was doing most of the work. We just needed to talk more. Something we have not been good at ever.
Lessons I have learnt. A lot of people involved have been amazing. But, the process is not. Start with the assessment. As mentioned in that other thread my fathers assessment was "Yup, he's got impairment. But, we knew that didn't we? Eees got bloody dementia. Not much we can do about that.".
It is the start of the process and is required. They will then start making connections. My dad's local council had specialists who would talk to me for as long as I needed. If they were not the right person they ensure a warm hand off to the person I needed to speak to.
My advice is to try and be eyes open and plan for the future. It is easy for me to say this now but reading my posts on those other threads I now know how naïve I was about the next steps.
We started off having home visits which was successful for a couple of years. I am very grateful to everyone that was involved to make this work. We ended up with 5 people visiting a day.
I was very happy I had a path to the end which would play out as symptoms worsened. The apartment was attached to a home. That plan fell apart when the owner of the apartment he was in died very unexpectedly and the people who inherited wanted to sell (understandably). At the same moment, my dad had a step change in symptoms and he had to be moved to a home. We went from one track to something we had not considered before in less than a week.. We found a place that promised to be the new path very quickly and he was moved there.
2 months later it was clear the home had over promised and they dumped him at the hospital. In the process he was sectioned. This changed everything and took control from us. It was a relief.
Oh, final piece of advice based on experience. It can be tough. My brother became very frustrated because he was doing most of the work. We just needed to talk more. Something we have not been good at ever.
So sorry to hear this. I went through similar from 2015 to 2019 with my lovely mum. I recognised the dementia signs but could not convince the young GP, as my mum could fool him and the tests, for longer than she should. Eventually I convinced the GP and things started to happen. To be honest, I have blanks in my recollection because that was how I coped. I was in denial myself.
Social services is step 1.
With respect to supporting parents, there is a difference between medical support (around a named condition) and care (mobility, dressing, cleaning). The authorities are clear on the differences for funding reasons. My recommendation is to get consultations for parents and get every health condition documented and on the record. Funding is more for medical than general needs, but it is a split.
It's not a nice situation to be in so my thoughts are with you.
Social services is step 1.
With respect to supporting parents, there is a difference between medical support (around a named condition) and care (mobility, dressing, cleaning). The authorities are clear on the differences for funding reasons. My recommendation is to get consultations for parents and get every health condition documented and on the record. Funding is more for medical than general needs, but it is a split.
It's not a nice situation to be in so my thoughts are with you.
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff