Other halves and finance

[daytonavrs]

So a little annoyed at OH

Twice previously been "surprised" by financial irregularities in that their outgoings exceed their own ltd income...just checking and its 3rd time unlucky showiing a negative trend on her spending patterns

Fortunately we don't do joint to impact my own statements, but I still see it significant to monitor as we aren't independant and married people share financial burdens regardless of keeping seperate

Seeing as my 1st surprise from them was a £10k many years ago, at the same time as we were housebuying which killed picking a specific property for a cheaper one ( although it was one I favoured initially)

Seems keen to lavish on family, whilst banging own account down to near only £500 left in her account since having £3k in Jan following a bereavement.
(other amounts went into savings, but I can see that becoming reversed based on their dubious spending trends)

To explain the amounts seems hard from her.....also details seem to suggest rather unhinding self medicating spending amounts....In some cases half a dozen at a time to Temu. I thought the idea was its cheap not spending 100s at a time !!!

The lack of financial sense is getting annoying, as I'm the opposite and expect the same from a partner.
I can understand why some split up due to money...I am far more frugal...to the point I do my/our own car maintenance !
I did her clutch to save £1000s.....I wonder why I bother
She won £500 on bonds recently, wonder how that got blown out

[alock]

Sounds familiar.

I got divorced.

[fat80b]

sorry - that must be rather frustrating.

I've always thought that "attitude to money" is one of the most important things to have a similar mindset on in a relationship, although there's no one-size-fits-all approach as often seen in the joint-account vs separate accounts threads that often pop up here.

I'd be tempted to create a spreadsheet and run through it with them. Agree what the top level goals are, and how best to achieve them, if you can't agree on the top level goals, then you'll never agree on the tactical spending detail....

[daytonavrs]

Be a bit different if we weren't within the "working classes" / had better means to afford silly spending but...

I'm / "we" are past 50 and do look forward to at some point being able to chill out more, maybe review how I work...not with this one to worry me I won't

I have done well to save a bit though ( dont like to disclose online ) though I don't think I'm ready to give up work yet, but does leave more empowered than many and useful to know have paid off the house.
Still good to live within means and trend to saving money not spending it all away with nothing to literally show for it of value except bags of cheap chinese clothes perhaps?

I questioned on a £60 cashed out only 2 days ago, can't fully account for it except partly rewarded some of it to niece/nephews for passing exams!
Other families kids rewarded when you have only £500 left in your account ! Get a grip

[boyse7en]

daytonavrs said:

Be a bit different if we weren't within the "working classes" / had better means to afford silly spending but...

I'm / "we" are past 50 and do look forward to at some point being able to chill out more, maybe review how I work...not with this one to worry me I won't

I have done well to save a bit though ( dont like to disclose online ) though I don't think I'm ready to give up work yet, but does leave more empowered than many and useful to know have paid off the house.
Still good to live within means and trend to saving money not spending it all away with nothing to literally show for it of value except bags of cheap chinese clothes perhaps?

I questioned on a £60 cashed out only 2 days ago, can't fully account for it except partly rewarded some of it to niece/nephews for passing exams!
Other families kids rewarded when you have only £500 left in your account ! Get a grip

Is the £50 in her account or in your joint account?

If it is "her" account and you are keeping separate finances, then she should be able to spend it however she wants (within reason).
It's difficult if you are a a saver and your partner is a spender, but you have to come to terms with it, or split up. You can't easily change someone's base attitude towards money

[Puzzles]

Would it not be easier to agree that £X goes into savings for a rainy day or retirement and the rest she can blow how she likes?

Quibbling over £60 cash I only going to annoy both of you.

[daytonavrs]

Sorry to be clear its not quibbling over just one incident of £60

I mentioned she started the year on £3k....and for no particular need or reason she just liking to spend has managed to blow that part of her inheritance to nearer nothing so shes closer to being a financial burden than an asset

Yes its separate and to some degree I agree and been ok but to the point shes ruining her own financial position, should just be accepted as ok ?

She could be saving, not getting closer to debt....literally nothing to show for it either

[daytonavrs]

I've been affected by her debt focussed attitude and firivilousness and not prepared to accept it any longer, yeah if she was putting away a little (anything) a month that would be something

Its like being ultra generous to others whilst nearly in debt yourself, sorry I just can't do this. Its going to finish this

[fat80b]

daytonavrs said:

I've been affected by her debt focussed attitude and firivilousness and not prepared to accept it any longer, yeah if she was putting away a little (anything) a month that would be something

Its like being ultra generous to others whilst nearly in debt yourself, sorry I just can't do this. Its going to finish this

You say you are past 50 - and that you are done with it - One read of it could be that you have already made the decision, and have come here for confirmation?


At 50 (still a few years to go for me and the wife) we will be in the position to retire if we choose to, but that's because we have squirelled reasonably effectively while also holidaying fairly generously. We do that because we don't waste money on the things that other people seem to do (e.g. cars, clothes and stuff) - Neither of us have ever bought anything from Temu or Wish...... My bigger problem is not getting the wife to not-spend, it's convincing her that she should!


I'd still suggest a spreadsheet - list all pensions / savings etc, and pitch it as "here is the retirement plan" - it either acts as a short-sharp-shock and triggers a meaningful heart-to-heart convo, or it confirms your position

[Puzzles]

daytonavrs said:

Sorry to be clear its not quibbling over just one incident of £60

I mentioned she started the year on £3k....and for no particular need or reason she just liking to spend has managed to blow that part of her inheritance to nearer nothing so shes closer to being a financial burden than an asset

Yes its separate and to some degree I agree and been ok but to the point shes ruining her own financial position, should just be accepted as ok ?

She could be saving, not getting closer to debt....literally nothing to show for it either

I get that it s not purely about £60, but it s a slippery slope and it s where you re at now.

If she is okay with blowing her money on pointless tat I m not really sure what you can do about it?

I m sure my OH thinks I waste money on pointless stuff, cars etc, just like I think she does, but everyone has different ideas.

Maybe she needs therapy if it s serious but without her buy in it s pointless.

Does she have a pension building up?

Is she okay with working into older age?

Does her spending mean you are left to pick up the tab in other areas?

[FredAstaire]

This bereavment and inheritance?

Who was it? Is your mrs still grieving and/or 'living for today' with whats a relatively modest sum?

I don't know how a marriage can survive being on different pages financially.

[Peterpetrole]

Going to need a few translations of the OP to make sense of this thread. No idea what's going on. Is it £60 or £10,000 we are discussing?

[Chris Peacock]

daytonavrs said:

So a little annoyed at OH

Twice previously been "surprised" by financial irregularities in that their outgoings exceed their own ltd income...just checking and its 3rd time unlucky showiing a negative trend on her spending patterns

Fortunately we don't do joint to impact my own statements, but I still see it significant to monitor as we aren't independant and married people share financial burdens regardless of keeping seperate

Seeing as my 1st surprise from them was a £10k many years ago, at the same time as we were housebuying which killed picking a specific property for a cheaper one ( although it was one I favoured initially)

Seems keen to lavish on family, whilst banging own account down to near only £500 left in her account since having £3k in Jan following a bereavement.
(other amounts went into savings, but I can see that becoming reversed based on their dubious spending trends)

To explain the amounts seems hard from her.....also details seem to suggest rather unhinding self medicating spending amounts....In some cases half a dozen at a time to Temu. I thought the idea was its cheap not spending 100s at a time !!!

The lack of financial sense is getting annoying, as I'm the opposite and expect the same from a partner.
I can understand why some split up due to money...I am far more frugal...to the point I do my/our own car maintenance !
I did her clutch to save £1000s.....I wonder why I bother
She won £500 on bonds recently, wonder how that got blown out

"financial irregularities"
"I still see it significant to monitor"

I had to double check to make sure you weren't talking about a business partner.

Doesn't sound healthy at all.

[shirt]

OP is frustrated, this post isn’t meant to provoke…


… it’s not up to me to determine whether 3k is a big or small sum to you or her. But 3k over 6mths doesn’t suggest she has a spending problem. To me a spending problem could burn that in a far shorter timeframe and across far fewer transactions.

some people, and I count myself in this, simply just don’t look at where money goes. It’s only when you record it and look back over the week or month that they recognise waste and frippery.

If this is your aim then approaching it from a shame angle won’t help. There has to be a positive incentive and motivation to change any behaviour.

[md_ph]

Gosh if my wife spent only £2500 over 6 months I would be over the moon!

Maybe you need to contribute a little more of your savings to her and let her enjoy life as she sees fit. After all you are a married couple and should be sharing in the good and bad times.

Treating her nephews is just a nice thing to do, you sound miserable.

You can’t take it with you when you are gone.

[PM3]

Would look like a great line in a divorce hearing

....Financial coercive control ? Even an idiot brief could make miles from monitoring someone over £60 , hell even £500 unless the couple were on breadline incomes

Maybe I am just easy on this, as basically all my working life I earned and wife spent ( will looking after children) . No fantastic salary, but decent .
e used a joint account which only I credited ( largely true) and she never felt I was watching, because I wasn't. Every now and then I might have mentioned that this month its running a bit thin and she would be careful until next money went in, or if she was about to make a hard hit she would mention as she certainly did not look at account.

Worked out now in long run it seems. It is definitely a team game .

[Sheepshanks]

daytonavrs said:

Sorry to be clear its not quibbling over just one incident of £60

I mentioned she started the year on £3k....and for no particular need or reason she just liking to spend has managed to blow that part of her inheritance to nearer nothing so shes closer to being a financial burden than an asset

Yes its separate and to some degree I agree and been ok but to the point shes ruining her own financial position, should just be accepted as ok ?

She could be saving, not getting closer to debt....literally nothing to show for it either

Some women just think money is for spending.

Since we had kids (in the 80s) my wife only ever worked part-time, and she retired at 51 with a tiny Civil Service pension. Her financial contribution has been negligible.

We have a joint account and the only reason she has savings accounts in her name is for tax purposes.

I've just learned to suck it up.

[FlatSixBoxer]

Perhaps you need to meet in the middle. The wife likes to spend, you like to save. On the face of it £3k is not a lot of money spend in 6 months on luxuries, especially if it is just a one off inheritance that is being spent, I agree it would have been good if some of it was put towards savings and some of spent and that is the part where you could aim to meet in the middle, as I guess you'd just save the entire £3k which is as equally annoying to a "spender" as you feel as a "saver".

I assume your wife is working and has her own income otherwise and contributes to the bills and we're only referencing the spending on non essentials? A good place to meet in the middle would see some of your wife's income being saved for a "rainy day" or define what you both want i.e x months income in savings for emergencies, pension of size x and therefore the rest can be spent. Simply being frugal and not spending or living is not a practical expectation on anyone.

[ThingsBehindTheSun]

alock said:

Sounds familiar.

I got divorced.

My ex wife didn't work for the last five years of our marriage, but her mantra seemed to be "If there is any money left over at the end of the month, then that is a waste". She didn't understand the whole concept of rainy days, or the fact that as the only one working, we would be screwed if I lost my job.

She utterly lost it when she discovered I had managed to put £10K aside as a backup fund, in fact she said "I can't believe you have made me live like a pauper when we (note the we, I earned it all) had this much in the bank. We split soon after, but she would have wanted to blow the lot on a holiday.

My current partner and I have separate bank accounts and put 50/50 into a joint account to cover mortgage and all bills. After that we can spend what we want, but we are both very careful and there is never any arguments.

I could never live with someone who who on a different page to me financially.

Sheepshanks said:

Some women just think money is for spending.

Since we had kids (in the 80s) my wife only ever worked part-time, and she retired at 51 with a tiny Civil Service pension. Her financial contribution has been negligible.

We have a joint account and the only reason she has savings accounts in her name is for tax purposes.

I've just learned to suck it up.

Wow, wish I had found someone to look after me to that level that allowed me to retire at 51.

[ozzuk]

You don't need to manage her money, but you maybe need to have an adult conversation/set some expectations. If your finances are truly separate then what she does is largely up to her, you'll just have to accept the risk she could run up debt. If you want to maintain that separation you need to decide/agree how things like major asset purchase/holidays are funded - it will quickly get old if you want expensive holiday she cannot afford. You then need to apply that logic to pension and retirement - is she happy to keep working/state or is there expectation on you to support?

Above are pitfalls for operating separately. Another option is to operate jointly, then agree a set amount monthly you can both spend as you see fit - blow it on temu/save, whatever. So all income paid into same joint account, all bills from same, then an amount transferred out for 'free spending'.

My partner and I (not married, together 10 years, joint house etc) are largely separate in finances, but we pay an agreed amount into a joint savings (proportionate to income) all bills come from that account, outside that our money is our own. But we talk about any major purchase. we have a looming issue for retirement (still 10 -15 years away) that we don't have a real idea on (I can likely retire early) but we're pretty sensible in discussions and will find a route.