PistonHeads vs David Coulthard

One Mercedes SLS AMG, the Top Gear test track and 15 minutes to set a winning time. Okay, we're on the PS3 but a race is a race...

May the most experienced racer win...

Much like a dad trying to get into dubstep, watching established car companies attempt to get 'down with the kidz' is rarely a dignified sight. Yes, Lotus and Swizz Beatz, we're looking at you...

Mercedes, though, is smarter. And has a bigger toybox. One that in this case contains the SLS AMG, David Coulthard, and a load of PS3s. We've had gamers prove themselves as real racers in the Gran Turismo GT Academy. But what about a live face-off, with gamers driving against a real car, in real time and with a real driver?

PHers were quick to identify Dunsfold as the 'secret' track for this contest and, off the back of that, I've been invited to represent PistonHeads against both Coulthard and the gamers. A double opportunity for humiliation beckons.

One fast man, one fast car...

As I arrive at Dunsfold, back at Mercedes-Benz World at Brooklands gamers are doing the same, albeit virtually. But this being PistonHeads, we thought this story needed a dose of reality.

Reality that presents itself in a cacophonous V8, a. howl of tyres and a streak of blood-red SLS. That'll be Coulthard getting some cheeky practise laps in then. Going by the full outside broadcast set-up this is a big deal. And an expensive one. How much? "Cheaper than a conventional advert," is all our man from Mercedes will tell us.

He's also a little cagey about exactly where the three SLSs have come from. "They're all from the press fleet," he says, somewhat unconvincingly. What, you've got that many red ones? "Er ... we can get them when we need them." Buyer beware, then, if your local Merc dealer suddenly offers a temptingly priced Le Mans Red SLS showing 'delivery miles'...

DC gets a few practice runs in

Especially having seen licks of flame coming out from under the arches of one of the cars as Coulthard returns from some hot laps with Radio 1 DJ Reggie Yates. That'll be the ceramic brakes warmed through, then.

"They're right on the limit," admits Coulthard. I point out one of the three cars is on standard steel brakes. "Well, that one will be beyond the limit of them driving like that. With the ceramics you know they'll be there, even when you're pushing hard." I hope quietly he'll have burnt out the two ceramic equipped cars by the time it comes to our race.

This is Coulthard's first time at Dunsfold, all contestants hopefully equally disadvantaged by lack of track knowledge. But there's bad news for any gamers hoping this will level the playing field. "It takes about 10 laps to learn a track," he says decisively. "From there you'll be within a second of what you'll be able to do." And by my counting he's already got that number under his belt at least, his 1mins 18secs - admittedly with a flying start - three seconds quicker than the Stig in the SLS.

"Gambon? Wasn't he a weatherman?"

My passenger lap is literally my first view of Dunsfold beyond Sunday night Top Gear viewings. I note DC keeps the ESP in sport and the gearbox in auto S+, my motoring journo's 'everything up to 11, ESP off and good sense be damned' approach apparently for those with delusions of ability in place of the real thing.

At least we're equal on track knowledge. "I'd only ever seen it on the TV," he says as we casually approach the totally blind entry to Willson with enough speed to have my buttocks tensing against the SLS's Nappa leather. "But it's actually a lot more challenging than I expected. There's no visual reference points at all and that makes picking your lines really difficult." He's right. Huge expanses of concrete appear at 130mph and I realise I have absolutely no idea which way we're going to turn when we reach them. It's genuinely alarming.

DC keeps ESP on

He leans hard on the ESP too, chuckling "that'd have been a big tank slapper without it!" as we lunge through Chicago. "No way is that flat like they always say it is on the telly either," he observes after Follow Through. What about the gearbox, I ask, opining somewhat boldly that I've found it a bit slow in manual mode. "You tell me, you're the one that gets to drive these things back to back!" Oh. Well. It's a bit reluctant on downshifts. "Is it?" brow furrowed. He tries manual. "Aye, you're right." Phew.

In a fug of cremated ceramic brakes we arrive back at Gambon and, after a quick 'grip and grin' photo, I'm off to Brooklands.

I arrive just in time to see the six finalists picked out for the contest against DC before jumping into a pod for some much-needed practise.

For sale, one SLS. Never raced or rallied

Golly it's hard. I protest that DC had his traction control on but, in keeping with the rules, my electronic nanny is sent packing. At least I've got cones marking out the lines - a luxury Coulthard doesn't have - but laptimes in the 30s aren't going to cause DC much bother. A few more under my belt and I'm down to the high 20s and then finally under 1min 25secs, but time's up.

By the time the race starts I'm genuinely tense. The format is a 15-minute run, Coulthard doing the same in real time at Dunsfold, broadcast over a big screen beside the pods. Best lap counts, fastest wins.

I'm advised to get a banker in early and my first lap is looking good until I spin at Gambon. I try and keep calm but understeer out at Hammerhead. Brundle's commentary and the roar of the helicopter at Dunsfold coming over the PA system whips up the excitement and I catch wind of Coulthard putting in a 1min 16.3secs, fastest gamer Jason Birt half a second behind.

Flying start means Stig's SLS time falls

Mid-way through it's clear DC has cooked his tyres and brakes, my own virtual spin at Gambon played out for real over at Dunsfold and a chance for the gamers to claw back some time. I bag a 1min 23secs and it's game over, Coulthard's half-second advantage maintained and reality triumphing over Birt's fastest 1min 16.8secs. It's enough to earn him the win and a trip to the Brazilian Grand Prix though. And in the hacks' race PH comes second to the man from the Telegraph. But he'd been practising.

So what have we learned? Well, Coulthard seems like a decent bloke and Dunsfold is a surprisingly tricky track to master, whether you're doing it for real or hammering out the laps on the PS3. And if you're looking to give your brand an injection of youthful zest, video games are more effective than sucking up to random music biz 'celebs' nobody's actually heard of.