Speeding Madness

Be on your toes, a new breed of variable limits are on the cards

By PH Staff / Wednesday, 5 June 2002 / Loading comments

The Highways Agency has unveiled plans to introduce continuously variable random speed limits (CVRSL) on the eastbound carriageway of the M4, from Junction 4 to the elevated section near Chiswick. The Highways Agency's much-maligned Tiny computer will automatically alter the speed limit on this stretch of motorway from 10 - 70mph, once every three minutes. The information will be displayed on existing electronic signs and overhead gantries. The limits will be strictly enforced by euphemistic safety cameras, police entrapment vans and traffic wardens with flashing lights on their hats.

Cheese

According to The Highways Agency Area Manager Richard Dastardly, safety reasons triggered the move to random speed limits. "Recent studies showed that the current confusion over speed limits on this road has reduced serious fatalities by over .2%. A completely unreadable scientific report suggests that CVRSL would increase the overall percentage of reduction by as much as 33%, saving at least 48.7% of a life each year." Dastardly says the new system reflects common sense: "Totally unpredictable speed limits will encourage drivers to maintain constant vigilance, in order to obey the law and avoid less safety conscious motorists."

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The Association of British Speeders condemned the new system as "yet another effective attempt to penalise perfectly safe, long-suffering motorists." Victoria Veyron says CVRSL will also penalise dangerous, short-suffering motorists. "Bad drivers with short tempers will not take kindly to having to think too much. And so they shouldn't. Accept the government's fascist anti-speeding policies I mean."

Pineapple

The Really Rather Spiffy Automobile Association cautiously welcomed the new system as "

something we don't want to rule out until the public is well and truly disgusted

", then changed its mind. Spokesperson Gender Specific now claims that CVRSL will create potentially dangerous chaos: "

CVRSL will create potentially dangerous chaos. Motorists will be constantly speeding up and slowing down, much as they do when they approach a speed camera, or drive on a stretch of motorway, or drive through town, or try to find a parking spot at Sainsbury's. If the government thinks we're going to put up with this, they're right